The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from August, 1996
from Poets Who Should Be Severely Censured!
3Dan shares a classic 08/31/96
There once was a girl named Dot
Who liked to eat boogers and snot
When she couldn't get these
She ate the green cheese
That grew in the folds of her twat!
Eeeewwwww....
The Goof writes 08/30/96
Hi, Sage, I've returned!
Many a midnight oil I've burned
Fornicating and fucking,
Masturbating and sucking,
Gonorrhea, I've thus earned...
Ah, the gift that keeps on giving...
The Web just has boundless erotica!
From sites in Australia to America
Be it a .com or a .edu,
It fills my brains with goo
When I see images of Cindy, Angie and Erica!
Jack DeLadd shares a classic 08/29/96
There was a young man named Kelly
Who preferred his wife's arse to her belly
He shrieked with delight
As he ploughed through her shite
And filled up her hole with his jelly!
CB writes 08/26/96
Madonna's in family way,
And the proud, happy papa did say:
"The world's best-known cunt
Pops out my little runt,
When we celebrate her Labor Day!"
Magunda writes 08/25/96
The judicial sage from Toast Point
A poet he craved to anoint-
With a urinous bliss
He fermented the piss
And rubbed it all over his joint!
The poet comments, "Apologies to the recondite one ;)"
The sage is disconcerted and will ponder whether forgiveness is deserved.
Anonymous writes 08/24/96
There was a young man named Chris
And the women thought he was bliss!
This amorous young fool........ i
Had a twelve-inch tool........ h
That was always oriented like t
Magunda writes 08/23/96
The Hardy Boys, on an adventure,
Needed to cash in a debenture.
You see, they were sued
For spying all nude
And for beating their meat without censure!
The poet comments, "That's why they call them hardy!"
"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
"On your knees, I am your master!"
"It is the rear entry I love,"
He said, (as he put on his glove) -
"For the rug, this spells disaster!"
The poet comments, "Don't munch this rug!"
Butch shares classics ...
There once was a Queen of Bulgaria
Whose box had grown hairer & hairier.
A Prince from Peru
Came up from for a screw,
And had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier!
There once was a gal from Reno
Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
So she laid on her back
And opened her crack.
Now she owns the Casino!
and writes 08/22/96
There once was a whore from Van Nuys
Who would spread her legs free for the guys.
She got lots of stares
At those black pubic hairs
'Til they discovered they weren't hairs, but flies!
My aunt, (who when she was young)
Took up smoking for fun.
Now her hackin' and wheezin'
Is very displeasin'.
Why she occasionally brings up a lung.!
Blondie writes 08/20/96
There was once was a bitch in heat
Who craved a piece of my meat,
But I ran like hell
Because of her funny smell,
And now I'm with someone I beat.
Sucha Nice Boy shares a classic 08/20/96
An adventurer out of Rangoon
Shot up in a hi-tech balloon.
On his way to the stars,
He fucked Venus on Mars,
And buggered the Man in the Moon!
Writerman writes 08/19/96
A sex-loving lass from Hoboken
Fucked for years till her pussy got broken!
She found a repairman
Couldn't tell you just where, man,
But it's back again, soakin' and smokin'!!!
The Sage removed a word for scansion purposes.
Sucha Nice Boy shares classics 08/18/96
There was a young farmer from Kitts
Who planted an acre of tits.
When they ripened in fall,
Pink nipples and all,
He greedily chewed them to bits!
There was a man of Rangoon
Whose father came off too soon.
Not having the luck
To be born from a fuck,
He was scraped off the sheet with a spoon.
There was a young man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay,
But the heat of his prick
Baked the clay into brick
And abraded his foreskin away.
There once was a man from Madras,
Whose balls were made out of brass.
In stormy weather,
They clashed together,
And sparks flew out from his ass.
Magunda writes 08/18/96
Observing the bulge in his khakis,
The Sultan declared to his lackeys:
"For Sri Lankan I lust,
To suck a Mongol, I must,
But my fantasy butts are Iraquis!"
Chauncey de Groot von Blattnik writes 08/18/96
While peeling a juicy banana
Said my mistress, the Dame de Fontana,
"Bring yours out tout de suite !
An' I'll peel it as neat !"...
She said this while pealing with laughta !
The Hardy Boys, on an adventure
Returned to a fury of censure!
They'd bragged, you see,
About sex in a tree,
As one straightened his removable denture !!
Ashrad Risvi writes ...
There was found in a small, English town,
A whore that was big, fat, and round.
Men paid more to abuse 'er,
To fuck and to use her -
Foreign England, they pay by the pound!
and shares a classic 08/18/96
The Kleenex is brought to his nose.
He inhales and then sharply blows.
The Kleenex, it shattered.
The boogers are splattered
All over the front of his clothes!
The poet comments, "I've always considered this oddly paced poem one of the best non-sexual,
but crude, limericks I've ever heard. My cousin wrote it for an 8th grade
English class assignment of a "limerick that wasn't dirty."
The content is pure 13 year-old and the bending of the verb tense from
present to past makes it particularly appealing to me. Best of all, he
received a day's detention for his efforts."
Rhubarb shares a classic by Cybergeezer 08/17/96
There was an old hermit named Dave
Who keeps a dead mower in his cave.
Since he can't cut the grass,
Now it's up to his ass.
(His donkey, you censors: behave!)
Magunda writes 08/16/96
There once was a nun from Altoona
Who loved the retreat in Laguna -
The lesbian clan
Massaged her with flan
And consumed it by light of the moon...ahh.
Chauncey de Groot von Blattnik writes 08/15/96
There once was a nun from Altoona
Had a muff just as fine as vicuna.
Said the priest who was weary
From strokin' his 'dearie',
"Oh sister let me lick yer lacuna !
Magunda writes 08/14/96
A librarian, checking her stacks,
Decided to unzip her slacks!
Her pussy was wet,
Affirming her bet-
A book fetish is better than facts!
The poet comments, "Alternative last line...Consummation before Oliver Sacks"
Magunda writes 08/13/96
While peeling a juicy banana,
I peed on Carlos Santana!
His guitar twanged out of tune =
(The piss caused an electric typhoon)
He was blown to the Copacabana!
Sandman writes 08/13/96
A young maiden entered the water in bits
'Twas cold as she shivered in fits
All her clothing was strewed
Which left her quite nude
While the tide lapped up round her knees...
The poet comments, "Now had she gone deeper, that really WOULD have been poetry...."
Magunda writes 08/12/96
A gymnastic raven named Pete
Could juggle his balls with his feet!
Said Pete with a tweet
As he fondled his meat,
"Now ain't this a helluva feat?"
Magunda writes 08/11/96
Madonna, you know, is with child
The bishop, he just went wild
"If I find the bloke
who gave her pussy a poke
I will declare him ecclesiastically reviled!"
There once was a waitress named Janna
Who jerked sodas in Great Falls, Montana.
But the cowboys took notice
Cuz she jerked more than sodas
And had a split better than banana!
Arp shares classics 08/07/96
There once was a fellow from Boston
Who drove around town in his Austin -
He had room for his ass,
And a gallon of gas,
So he hung out his nuts - and he lost 'em!
There once was a lady from New Zealand
Who had this funny little feeling
So she lay on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.!
Bluesman writes 08/07/96
There once was a man named Chuck
Whose cock was incredibly shrunk
His friends called him tiny,
Fudge-packed his heiny,
And came in his mouth when he sucked!
Bawdy Bard writes 08/07/96
Her husband Tom is an old "pussy taster,"
However, he refuses to face her.
Her wrinkled twat smells
Much more than high hell
So she now uses a large turkey baster.
Dolphin writes 08/07/96
In life there are may pitfalls -
I'll speak of one which greatly appalls...
I think it unjust
That in moments of lust
I'm unable to lick my own balls!
At the crest of evolution we stand,
Yet there's some things we can't do on demand -
We can't tongue our own jewels,
But note, we're not fools,
For we've young ladies to give us a hand!
Sandman writes 08/07/96
Forthcoming is a strange Christmas tale
About Santa who wound up in jail
The problem you see
As plain as could be
Was his penchant for the wee amber ale
You see on a night when the beer was for free
He came home as drunk as could be,
And the silly old codger
Wound the clock with his todger
And buggered his wife with the key!
She's now suing for unlawful entry;
Her home now guarded by alarm and by sentry.
Not welcome at home
So now he does roam
No longer a popular old gentry.
He hit on on a new line of work
And around a dentist he happened to lurk
But with increasing depravity
He'd fill the wrong cavity
Now all the women do think Santa's a jerk!
Suddenly Santa took moment to pause
As James Dean waltzed on through the doors
He arrested him quick
It's the end of St. Nick
Now we've a rebel....without a Claus!
Hee hee. Sandman, did you write this? It wasn't clear from the submission. Toast Point gives you the benefit of the doubt.
Sandman replies 08/07/96
Those last limericks were in fact mine -
Sandman hopes you thought they were fine.
My life is a rhyme,
Yet strangely sublime -
I'll make sure I sign each line that is mine!
CeeJay shares a classic 08/06/96
A certain young lady named Hall
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
But the dress caught on fire,
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all!
A submitted correction to Bill Doern's classic
below. Thanks also to Stargazer.
There was a young lass at the lake
With nipples so nifty they'd make
The most adequate swimwear
A reason for mens' stare
And boggle their minds 'til they'd break!
and submits a classic 08/03/96
There once was a girl from Bengal
Who went to a masquerade ball.
Her dress caught on fire
And burnt her entire
Front page, sporting section and all!
The submitter comments, "Heard this one about 45 years ago in Grade 6.
Not repeatable then but squeaky-clean today at any age."
The Sage replies, "Sporting section????". Check out CeeJay's correction above.
DJ Inertia writes 08/01/96
I once knew a girl with some class -
She only at grapes in a glass.
If the grapes were too tart,
She'd then start to fart,
And grape seeds would shoot out her ass!
Herkin writes 08/01/96
Youse Dames 're in fer a shock !
Guaranteed to make you do yer block !
The wisest ting dat came out
Of any woman's mout'
Wuz Albert Einstein's cock