The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from July 1996
from Poets Who Would Never Get a G Rating
AlabamaArse shares a classic 07/31/96
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket
And every time the lamb got out,
The dog would try to...
Put it back in!
Al comments, "Not quite a limerick...got it on a tour bus in the parking lot of the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. I typed it exactly how it was told...with the exception of the last line..."
There once was a girl named Ludmilla,
Who had an affair with a driller.
Ah,the sight of his oil,
It would make her blood boil,
For 'twas only his bit could fulfill her!
Old Goatie shares a classic 07/30/96
An aspiring poet named Glass
Had balls that were made out of brass.
When they tinkled together,
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out his ass!
Eating Spam on the porch in the nude
Was a habit the neighbors thought lewd,
But when he donned clothing
They didn't stop loathing -
'Twas the sight of the Spam they eschewed!
Daenan shares a classic 07/29/96
A near-sighted golfer named Leer
Was thrown off the links just last year
For being obscene
Right on the first green
'Neath a sign that read "Enter Course Here"!
Writerman writes 07/29/96
This Olympics spectator applauds
U.S. Broadjumping champion, Bill Bauds
The event's quite demanding
Yet his record's still standing
He jumped over 2,000 broads!
Toast Point notes: "Og, I saw this before and thought I put it in. My apologies"
An amorous girl from Champaign
Took on a young husband to train.
Her joy knew no bounds,
Though she lost several pounds
For his hungers were just as profane!
The poet's wedding gift for his wife...
His Peace writes 07/26/96
Ever noticed how folks down South
Always talk with food in their mouth?
One day they will find
That their beloved behind
Can too, and then they'll pass out!!
I knew a guy who loved to bungee jump -
He once jumped off a camel's hump.
But the cord didn't hold fast
And that jump indeed was his last,
'Cos he crashed in a heap of camel dump!
Herkin writes 07/26/96
Today the world's focus is on Atlanta!
But the new events causing all the banter
Are the Long-Distance Spit
And the Vertical Shit.
I bet the Yanks will win these in a canter!!
Chrisadam writes 07/25/96
There once was a man named Ted.
His dick was bigger than his head.
He coulden't fit it up
A pussy or a butt
So he used his head instead!
Brick writes 07/23/96
There once was a girl from Temecula
Whose skills 'tween the sheets were spectacula.
Men came far and wide
But oh! what a ride...
It left them like they was tubercula!
Blaze writes 07/22/96
Madonna, you know, is with child
And it's got theologians quite riled
That her increase in girth
May be called "Virgin Birth"
Though her trainer's been fucking her wild!
Tim writes 07/19/96
Poor Sandman, you feel like a misfit,
But here's an answer, if you're willing to risk it -
My dog licks his cock
'Till it's hard like a rock
And you can too - just give him a biscuit!
A gay young pixie called Paul
Was grinning like a damn fool.
When I asked him why
He winked and replied
I'm sitting on a toadstool!
Could there be an apostrophe missing in the last word?
"Marathon Sucking" would attract a large throng
But one problem means the event won't be on
You may search there and here
But I really do fear
You won't find a dick twenty-six miles long!
If you do, let us know...
Stargazer writes 07/19/96
When the pols are illicitly boffin'
'Til their poles and their poll numbers soften,
Perhaps we can vote
(In reverse of
Tim's quote)
That their "standings are rising" too often!
Queentut writes 07/19/96
There once was a man from Bel Isle
Who knew all the women would smile
When he opened his coat -
IT'S THE SIZE OF A BOAT! -
He'd a shit-eating grin all the while.
The Olympic Games are a bore.
Without SEX events they're a snore!
Let's have "Cross-Country Fucking!"
And "Marathon Sucking!"
Isn't THAT what our bodies are for?
Yay, Og's back!
query writes 07/17/96
There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who sat on a bench on her tuffet -
She became a big bore,
Her tuffet became sore,
And all the townspeople said, "Stuff it!"
CeeJay writes 07/17/96
Poor Sandman feels misunderstood,
He thinks a dog's life must be good.
He'd enjoy the sensation
Of auto-fellation....
I'm sure we all would if we could!
Coxwell writes 07/16/96
John was rough when he fucked it -
He grabbed his wife's hair as she sucked it
Lorraine said, "Let go!"
He replied, "Just blow."
So she bit the shit off and chucked it!
Sandman writes 07/15/96
A final thought as I stare at the sky,
Pondering, as life slowly passes me by,
What is to me
The greatest mystery
If dogs can lick their genitals,why can't I?
Stargazer writes 07/12/96
U.S. "tories" are surely in luck; up
To now, mostly Democrats fuck up.
JFK, Hart, and Clinton
Have dropped us the hint on
What LIBERAL "members" get stuck up.
The Sage informs Spinach Head that the "man from Nantucket" limerick has been banned from the Toast Point Contest, due to oversubmission.
The Conservatives' standings aren't rising
A fact that is hardly surprising
As each week in bed,
Another member's found dead
In a position that's quite compromising!
The fires of scandal become embers
And the party tries not to remember
How awful the sleaze
With poor Sarah Keyes
And a stuck-up Conservative member.
The poet comments, "I say, more British politilimericks. Naughty ol' Cecil P.went and got his secretary preggers, don't you know. " The Sage is appalled by such naughty behavior.
Stargazer writes 07/07/96
Seems "naughty" is down on its luck;
All its poets have chosen to duck.
So I'll write, out of pity,
This sweet little ditty ---
Which is too clean to be here! Oh, fuck.
Ahh.....that's better........
LambMan writes 07/06/96
There was a young girl named Jen
Whose body was rated a "10".
But the guy she was dating
Had questioned the rating
And he never was heard from again!
Jim writes 07/06/96
The far out city of LA
Held an ugly girl contest one day.
When the winner stripped down,
Most men turned around -
But those who dared stare all turned gay!