The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from June, 1996
from Poets Who Are Lucky the Communications Act was Shot Down!
Brandy writes 06/30/96
There once was a man named Casey,
Whose wife, they say, was quite racy!
She developed a rash
Which she'd earned in her past,
And indeed, his departure was hasty!
Sandman writes 06/30/96
There once was a girl named Rose
Who'd suck a golf ball through a hose;
She'd open her legs wider
Than a funnel-webbed spider
Whilst performing lewd acts with her toes!
The Sage informs Rosebud that the over-submitted
"Man from Nantucket" limerick, plus its variations, have been
banned from the contest. The same goes for the "dead whore in a cave" limerick.
Writerman writes 06/21/96
A bird-loving fellow named Garrett
Enjoyed making love to his parrot -
Till one day the squawker
Bit off his dorker,
Thinking the thing was a carrot!
If you're lost in a funk and, alas,
It's quite dark and you keep smelling gas,
Good heavens above,
You're not really in love,
You've just got your head up your ass!
After the ultimate screw,
What sex thing is there to do?
We all love the fucking
And touching and sucking--
But can't someone invent something new?
The Sage offers Jello as a suggestion.
Stan the Man writes 06/19/96
Ginger, go wipe off your chin -
You must be fellating again!
The cum's great, just try it.
Just right for your diet
It'll keeping you looking quite thin.,
Dean shares a classic 06/19/96
Our president's name is Slick Willie
Who thinks fidelity is silly -
He'll pull down his pants
(A re-election stance)
And he'll find that November's quite chilly!
Dean shares a variation on Shadow's classic 06/19/96
There once was a woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her quim
At the Grand Canyon rim
And the rest of her ass in Dallas!
FiFi writes 06/18/96
Percy traveled far and wide,
Digging shellfish at low tide.
Once a week he'd get a pearl -
Problem was, it was a girl -
So to his wife Percy lied!
Stargazer writes 06/18/96
An old Latin scholar named Enos
Was possessed of the world's hardest penis.
At the British Museum
He cried, "Carpe diem!"
And punctured the statue of Venus!
Stan the Man writes 06/17/96
"Ginger," he said. "You're a tight one."
"But nevertheless, you are quite fun."
She replied, "Bless my soul."
"You're in the wrong hole."
"There's plenty of room in the right one."
Anonymous writes 06/17/96
There once was a fellow named Matt
Whose dick was quite long and quite fat,
But I'm willing to bet
The only pussy he'll get
Is when he goes home to his cat!
Shadow writes 06/17/96
There once was a woman from Dallas
Who used dynamite as a phallus -
They found her wazoo
In Kalamazoo
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace!
Sandman writes 06/17/96
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
But forgetting the rhyme, they did not do as they oughter
Before very long,
Jill had Jack's schlong,
And she serviced him till they caught her!
The Sage informs Snakespeare that the over-submitted
"Man from Nantucket" limerick has been
banned from the contest. So has the "dead whore in a cave" one.
Stan the Man writes 06/15/96
Ginger, oh where have you been?
In hiding or living in sin?
I long for the lick
Of your tongue on my stick
Just tell me, I beg, where or when?
Herkin writes 06/12/96
I'm really worried about my Mrs.
I'm wond'ring from whom she's getting her krs.
There's this big oozing scratch
In the thatch round her snatch,
Alongside the hole where she prs.
Pokey writes 06/14/96
There once was a woman who teased,
Who often dropped to her knees!
A man said "Let me fuck it!"
And tossed her a ducet,
But now he burns when he pees!
A librarian, checking her stacks
Bent over and ripped her slacks
When a man saw her bush
He gave it a push
And they stacked one more kid in a stroller.
Rowdy Jack shares a classic 06/14/96
The townspeople's eyes would all pop
Every time Ms. Godiva would stop -
Twas by no means her bare back
That made them all stare back;
'Twas the fact that her horse was on top!
CB writes 06/14/96
Right-to-lifers will be Dole's undoing,
Though distaff-side voters he's wooing.
For the Christian Coalition's
Staked out its position:
There'll be no more legal unscrewing!
There once was a nun from Altoona
Left her convent for Reverend Moona!
No more ancient Nicene stuff;
She's gone for the green stuff
And her habit's now lined with vicuna!
Snakespeare shares a classic 06/13/96
There was a young gal from Cape Cod
Who thought that all children came from God -
But it was't God almighty
That lifted her nighty,
It was Rodger the lodger by God!
Jim writes 06/11/96
A pickle packer named Sue
When asked if she'd like to screw,
Said, "I'm not partic'lar"
'Bout who is my pickler
Fact -sometimes I make a dildo!"
Madonna, you know, is with child,
It's practically driving her wild,
For it may have Sean's chin
Or Dennis Rodman's skin,
Or any of a thousand men's smiles!
Madonna, as you know, is with child !
Who was the guy she must have riled ?
No one in his right mind
Would risk that kind of a grind,
And having his todger defiled!
Writerman writes...
A big brawny bastard named Tex
Had muscles he'd constantly flex!!!
Rope a cow? Ride a horse?
He couldn't of course...
Nor could he have hetero-sex!
Her husband was never a sober man
Her love life seemed truly all over, man.
But as she walks down the street,
There's a smile there so sweet -
And a smile on the face of her Doberman!
and shares a classic 06/08/96
Searching around for a pet?
Dog? Cat? Bird?... Which one should you get?
If you're male like I am--
You might try a lamb--
Those sheep give back more than they get!
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Old Rover took over,
And slipped her a bone of his own!
Lisa Pattington writes 06/07/96
Here I sit on the pot
How I was, oh so, taught
Suddenly I implore
To go on the floor
But alas, I sit here on the pot
Writerman writes 06/07/96
Writerman will be gone for awhile...
To Cape Cod (I vacation in style!)
I'll be with those crude shits
In old Mass-of-chewed-shits
Oh, come on you Kennedys--- smile!
There was a young nun from Crewe
Who remarked, as the Bishop withdrew,
"The Arch-Bishop is thicker"
Änd slicker and quicker
And two inches bigger than you!"
Stargazer writes 06/06/96
My love brings me many a condom,
And she tastes 'em as soon as I've donned 'em.
The last, God forgive 'er,
Was flavored like liver;
De gustibus non disputandum!
A pretty young Aussie named Tanya
Had an orgasm eating lasagna.
Said her mum, "What a kick!
I've come eating a prick,
But if that does the trick, then good on ya!"
A lad works the fields in Uzbekistan,
Out so long in the sun that his neck is tan;
But a week in the sack
With a frisky Kazak
Is the way that he's hoping to wreck his tan!
The poet comments, "Herkin, I surrender to your principle of wandering ethnicities,
as you see......."
Domin8r shares a classic 06/06/96
Hickory Dickory Dock,
This lady was suckin' my cock.
When she was through,
I dropped my goo
And let her off at the next block!
LIMBERICK writes 06/06/96
Ginger, how about a nice 3 course meal?
The appetizer - a 3 finger feel!
Then I'll marinate meat
In GINGER so sweet
And hair pie for dessert, what a deal!
Writerman writes 06/05/96
For girlwatchers, summertime's it!
When girls show a thigh and a tit!
At the beach you can catch
Quick qlimpses of snatch
And asses so cute you could shit!
LIMBERICK writes 06/05/96
Ginger, forget about Stan -
Baby, if you want a real man,
Try my pillar of passion,
It'll sure suit your fasion
And bets hell out of using your hand!
Ginger writes 06/05/96
Anon, please don't keep me in suspension -
Believe me, you've got my attention!
That cock in your trouser
Is such a great wowser!
A winner for sure - gets special mention!!
Writerman writes 06/04/96
Writerman welcomes back Ginger
With a cock that's so hot, it could singe her!
So I'll make Ginger smile
Writerman style
Lest Ginger give me the finger!
Fin-jer?
LIMBERICK writes 06/04/96
Ginger's back, yes I've seen it often
As she knelt and her ass I was boffin'
Though it was only a dream,
That babe made me scream -
I nearly ended up in a coffin!
Anon writes 06/04/96
The ultimate cure for my blues
Is a girl who's no goody-two-shoes.
We fuck and give head
On the floor and in bed.
There's a hundred positions we use.
A sensitive spinster of Dover
Held her head in a sack till 'twas over.
So she wasn't to blame
That her paramour's name
Wasn't Nigel or Dick, it was Rover!
Anon writes 06/03/96
Naughty poets, rejoice: Ginger's back!
Her pussy's the spice our lives lack!
Her hot, sultry rhymes
Made me come several times -
No one else is her match in the sack!
Rowdy Jack writes 06/01/96
A horny young farm wife named Clare
Used a cuke when her Luke wasn't there
And by filling her quim
With brine to the brim
Made pickles to sell at the fair!
The poet comments, "Having worked on a farm, I can attest that it is
always best to get two jobs done at the same time."
There once was a fellow named Stan
Whose words were so hot that I'd fan.
But try as I may ...
I admit, yes I say ...
My pussy was hot from that man!
Rhubarb, for A. N. Wilkins, shares a classic 06/01/96
"The regret that I had," declared Joe,"
"When our country took on the foe
Outside of Verdun
Was that I had but one
* for my country, you know."
Writerman writes 06/01/96
Said the Queen to her husband the King,
"Your cock is a beautiful thing!
Its royal presence
Humbles the peasants
And causeth the angels to sing!"
The sage informs
Ki-rin that the "dead whore in a cave" limerick has been banned by this contest.