The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries for May, 1996
from Poets Whose Mothers Have Thrown Up Their Hands!
WRITERMAN writes 05/31/96
There was a strange man from Zabat
Who preferred to have sex with his cat
"About pussy I'm fussy -
I don't want no hussy..."
And we all say "me-ow" to that!
My niece is a saucy young devil,
Torments the life out of boyfriend Neville.
She's a proper little flirt -
With the hem of her skirt
Only two inches below "C" level
Stan the Man writes 05/30/96
Elizabeth said with a sob,
"A man dropped his drawers on the job!"
But it wasn't pres Billy
That flashed his John Willie;
Twas the knob of her old husband Bob!
Elizabeth's husband - old Bob
Was born with a very short knob -
But with Elizabeth's deft hand,
It could fully expand
'Til it looked more like corn on the cob!
Stargazer writes 05/30/96
Donald's dick was a scant several inches,
But when stoked by his sweetie's soft pinches,
It grew (so they say)
Several sizes that day,
Just like that heart of the Grinch's!
Kilroy shares a classic 05/29/96
There was a young man from Boston
Who bought himself an Austin
He had room for his ass
And a tank full of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em!
Five gay-fellas sauntered into
A sex store to buy dildos anew;
When the clerk asked "how many?"
The lead hen,named Kenny
Crowed..."A cock-a-dude"ll do!"
Stargazer writes 05/28/96
Two lovely disciples of Venus
Sought a partner-in-crime with a penis;
Though I started to pant,
They said, "Surely we can't
Let a small thing like THAT come between us!"
Tim writes 05/28/96
Another old man from Nantucket
Did not possess his own bucket,
So, to my dismay
There's no more to say
And this limerick is ruined - oh, bother it!
Herkin writes 05/28/96
A sneak thief, name of Hodges,
Made a living snatching watches.
His big brother Mercer,
Did the same, but vice-versa!
Dirty bugger! Buenos Noches!
The poet comments: Wobster's Dictionarty defines snatch as
'that part of the female anatomy from which man came forth -
and spends his entire life trying to get back into!'
An acidhead male from Westphalia
Had a dong so long it could impale ya!
One day on a Trip,
He got circumcised by his zip
Now his genitalia's an absolute failure!
The Sage comments: This has greatness potential, if the scansion were cleared up.
The Bird writes 05/26/96
There was once a juicy young tart
Who could not compress e'en in part -
If you gave her a poke,
While she gagged or choked,
She'd let out a big smelly fart!
Kilroy shares a classic 05/25/96
There was a young maid from Anheiser
Who swore no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance
Found Schlitz in her pants
Now the poor maid is sadder Budweiser!
A boy from Albuquerque
Had a past decidely muquerque -
Allegations of rape
With a ferret, owl and ape,
And unspeakable things with a tuquerque!
Somebody gave me two starting lines and challenged me to
finish the limerick - so here's what I came up with...
There once was a soldier named Art -
Every time he ate Spam, he would fart!
It's a hell of a feat
For a tin of chopped meat
To have such effect on one's Pvt. parts.
There once was a soldier named Art -
Every time he ate Spam, he would fart!
With the help of this fact,
And a strategical match,
He could blow all the bad guys apart!
There once was a soldier named Art -
Every time he ate Spam, he would fart!
Such a sweet melody
That all did agree
That his arse must connect to his heart!
There once was a soldier named Art -
Every time he ate Spam, he would fart!
Using a blowpipe he stole
Whilst on jungle patrol -
He's now company champion at darts!
There once was a soldier named Art -
Everytime he ate Spam he would fart!
Through the end of his cock -
And though he got a shock,
It put the wind up the company tart!
Three girly-men, all dressed in leather
Got a tube and put their heads together
"I'll spank you
If you spank me
And shove up _your_ ass a feather!"
and shares classics 05/23/96
There once was a girl from Lynn Mass,
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think,
It's gray, has long ears, and eats grass!
Then Jill, who was very perceptive,
Because she was so disrespected,
Didn't ever say yes,
Never cleaned up the mess,
Unless he would use contraceptive!
Toast Point informs DOMIN8R that the Sage has banned the
"Man from Nantucket" limerick, even if changed to "man with a bucket".
Stan the Man writes 05/23/96
Rowdy Jack looked like a jerk in
His yarmulka made of a merkin -
He said, "I don't care"
"I like pubic hair"
"And it's fine to wear to work in!"
Had a blind date with a girl called Nell.
Overweight and unfit, I could tell.
"Since I was a Minor,
I've had Acute Angina... "
"Yes", says I "And nice pretty titties, as well!"
Herkin sends greetings from Australia
But is suffering, pro-tem, from Word Failure.
It seems from playing with his cock,
He developed "Writer's Block " .
When he recovers, I know, he'll E-mail yer!
Uncle Ben shares a classic 05/22/96
I once met a man from leads
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
In a month, the silly ass
Was covered with grass
And he couldn't sit down for the weeds!
The submitter's super great uncle Ben taught this naughty limerick
when the submitter was 9 years old.
Lou Lou Livingston writes 05/22/96
Bill's mouth was as filthy as dirt.
His girlfriend - he went up her skirt!
"Well, I do love you, Bill
But I didn't take my pill..."
On went his pants and his shirt!
LIMBERICK writes 05/22/96
I met a young maid from France,
I wanted to get in her pants,
Then she took out my meat
And gave me a treat
Down my length with her tongue she did dance!
As one who's eluded "the bands"
Don't get much - and that's where it stands!
When a random erection
Brings on sheer dejection
I take matters into my hands!
Rhubarb, submitting for Bob Giandomenico, shares a classic 05/19/96
Her ex asked her new love with scorn
If used merchandise had made him forlorn.
"Not at all," he replied,
"She's just like a new bride,
Once I get past the part that is worn."
Peter was obsessed with perfection;
His penis in constant erection.
Never settling for less,
His body under stress,
He dissolved in his own semination!
Rhymelust writes 05/18/96
His cock made her yearn for a sip,
But before she reached to unzip,
She remembered his penchant
For relieving his tension
With self-sucking, balls resting on lip.
CB writes 05/17/96
Lady lawyers are pinstriped and vested,
And in chambers, some just can't be bested!
For a 'suit' is a role
Not requiring a pole -
You just might like *your* 'suits' double-breasted!
LIMBERICK writes 05/17/96
If you like your suits double-breasted
There's a girl I know who's large-chested;
She's a tailor by trade,
But she'd rather get laid -
"Ahh! To hell with the suit!" I attested.
There once was a man named Dick Lonnecker,
Who was born with a monstr'ous donnicker.
The size of his tool
Compared with a mule;
"Donkey Dick" was Lonnecker's moniker!
Percy Longprong writes 05/15/96
The bollocks of the Sherriff of Nottingham
Were strangled by his codspiece- and was garroting ém
But that wasn't the trouble -
It was this big, yellow bubble
Oozing down his dick that was rotting ém!
Eeewwwwww!
I'm steering clear of that lady from Spain!
In my todger, there's nothing but pain!
And I've had second thoughts
About those genital warts
And I don't want to catch AIDS again!
There once was a girl named McWrath
Who had a magnificent snath --
It wasn't furry and pink,
As you probably think;
It was wood, had a blade, and cut grath!
LIMBERICK writes 05/14/96
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
As she rode atop Mr. Haley -
He came like a comet
As she thrust on it
And now he orbits her daily!
The Hardy Boys, on an adventure
Discovered someone had a chipped denture -
The clues all led
To Nancy Drew's bed,
Where she ground down their dicks for good measure!
Rowdy Jack writes 05/13/96
An exhibitionist bugger named Morgan
Had a dick with the powers of Gorgon!
Its stiffness conveyed to
The lads 'twas displayed to,
They got hard from one glance at his organ!
A Sillicon Valley recruiter
Met a DOS-friendly lass and pursued her;
Her slot for his card
Turned that floppy to hard,
Redefining the "RAM" in computer!
LIMBERICK writes 05/13/96
A flogging one time I did take
For making a little mistake!
Now a pat on the back
Instead of the flack
STARGAZER, to me gives a break!
Phred writes 05/13/96
Three girly-men, all dressed in leather
Played a game with two whips and a feather.
Before all their sessions,
They asked the same questions:
They asked "When" and "Where" but not "Whether."
You remember the Artful Dodger?
A well-hung little codger !
It's true all right
Because every bath night
His Ma would pull him out by his todger!
Davo writes 05/11/96
There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels in a doorway;
She said to her man,
"Get off the divan -
I think I have found one more way!"
Herkin shares a classic 05/11/96
An over-sexed lady from Spain
Enjoyed a bit, now and again.
Not now and again -
But NOW and AGAIN
And AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN!
Percy Longprong writes 05/11/96
On the street, a familiar face. "Hallo, Dave"
You gonna invite me round to your cave?"
"If you're after my dead whore,"
" She ain't there any more!"
"She's certified dead! And buried by the Sage!"
A fitting closure...
Dean shares a classic 05/10/96
There once were fairies from Rangoon
They took a lesbian up to their room.
But when they turned out the light
they argued all night
Who'd do what and with which to whom.
Stargazer writes 05/09/96
The original limericist, Lear,
Published rhymes that the world loved to hear,
So if Limberick rhymes
With the same word two times,
Who can blame him for following Lear?
The Sage can.
LIMBERICK writes 05/08/96
Observing the bulge in his khakis
She said "I want you in my crack, please!"
She tore open his trousers
And then exclaimed "Wowsers!
It's only the size of a crackie's!"
For those who don't know, a crackie is a small dog.
Three girly-men, all dressed in leather
Went to a pawn shop to see whether
Clothes less bold
They could get for their old -
They came out wearing gowns made of feather!
This girl at gymnastics I seen -
To fuck her, I thought, would be keen;
On my beam, she did dance
Said "You're taking a chance..."
And made me her own floor routine!
The Sage fiddled with it a bit, for the flow...
Writerman writes "Alone Again - Unnaturally!!!" 05/07/96
Being single is really the pits!
All day long I watch jiggling tits!
At night -- no one's waiting...
It's just me... masturbating...
With my dick -- not their tits-- in my mits!
BADFINGER shares a classic 05/07/96
Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I believe that was one up for me!
Note to BADFINGER: we just had the girl from Peru last month.
There once was a girl who licked her lips -
The club was steaming, so she gyrated her hips.
Alas, the boys all turned around
Found her panting on the ground
Smiling and waiting with whips!
LIMBERICK writes 05/07/96
I know a young lass named Kay
Who would roll with the boys in the hay -
As they fucked hard and long,
The cows would look on,
And it made the bull horny, they say!
The bull with his cock long and pink
The young heifers he wanted to dink;
He went sniffing about
For the one with most stout
And Kay's ass was the hole he did sink!
Rowdy Jack writes 05/07/96
There once was a lad from Encino
Who ate beans, but refused to take Beano
The result was: He gassed,
Firing blast after blast
Why, he passed it more times than Marino!
Tom S. Kazee writes 05/07/96
There was a young Dane named Bijorn
Who ate Cheetos while watching some porn.
The Cheetos he'd eaten,
While his meat, he'd beaten,
And that turned his penis bright orange!
Linda Longprong writes 05/07/96
Observing the bulge in his khakis
I ran my hand over his fly - He's
Disadvantaged, you know.
Very little to show!
And that bulge was his spare set of car keys!
Remmey writes 05/06/96
There once was a man from Moscow
Who used to own a sheep and a sow,
But when he went to war
All he could think of was legs of four,
So he got himself an inflatable cow!
The poet also comments:
I have nothing to say
Except that I am not gay,
And that I love women,
Women who like to play!
Toast Point comments that some of his best friends are heterosexual.
Rhymsters critical of Herkin's love for his dipstick -
Be warned of its uses other than as a pissquick!
Ignore this warning at your peril
Because if Herkin does go feral
Herkin's wars will go Intercontinental - and Ballistic!
Nice commentary, but the meter....
Dean shares a variation of a previously-shared classic 05/06/96
In days of old
When knights were bold
And rubbers wern't invented,
Knights wore socks
Over their cocks
And babies were prevented!
LIMBERICK writes 05/06/96
"Hmm! you taste so good."
Said the wolf, to Red Riding Hood.
But Red Riding Hood said,
As she gave the wolf head,
Eat! Eat! Eat! I'd just like to fuck if we could!
The Sage has now banned the "dead whore in a cave" limerick.
Queentut writes 05/06/96
Observing the bulge in his khakis
Was entirely,totally wacky!
He liked to play games
(It was his claim to fame)
Cause he had built-in hacky sackys!
Two Japs, meeting on their holiday flight
Found they were employed at the same sanitation site.
They'd worked in the same sewer.
(Although he never knew her )
They were just two Nips passing in the shite!
The Sage rolls his eyes.
Lam shares a classic 05/05/96
In days of old
When knights were bold
And ladies weren't particular,
They tied a sock
Around their cock
And screwed them perpendicular!
Three girly-men, all dressed in leather
Were following sweet little Heather;
They said to the girl,
"Come and give us a whirl
And we'll tickle your ass with a feather!"
Clyde with his dick at attention -
The size of his balls we won't mention -
He popped Daisy Mae,
She didn't know what to say,
He sure didn't need an extension!
There once was an enormous dick -
The size of it would make you sick!
All the girls wanted it,
But it just wouldn't fit,
So all he got was one sick dick lick!
BishopSheen writes 05/04/96
"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
"On your knees and pray to your Master!
Foreswear saucy tarts
With their temptuous parts.
Raise my robe! Drop your shorts! And pump faster!"
There was a young lad - Peter Dragon
With a long dick always a'draggin' -
It scraped in the dirt
And started to hurt
So he hauled it around in his wagon!
Blackbody writes 05/04/96
In the cloakroom said Gingrich to Dole,
"That old war wound sure took its toll.
The bodily harm
That the Krauts did your arm
Makes it useless for flogging your pole!"
To Newtie, old Bob did relate
"There's other ways to masturbate -
Now every night
Instead of the right
I just fuck the left, which is great!"
and also...
An old politician named Dole
Had a hankering for Betty's back hole
She called it skulduggery
His passion for buggery
But he called it "Mining for Coal"!
Toad shares a classic 05/04/96
There once was a woman named Alice
Who peed in a Protestant chalice
She said "I do this
From a great need to piss,
And not from sectarian malice!"
There once was a man named Buchanan,
Despised for the platform he ran on.
In comparison, Dole
Looked like less an asshole,
Leaving Clinton one less leg to stand on!
Percy L writes 05/03/96
A wanker from Raratonga
Was chastised for stroking his donga;
"You'll start losing your mind,"
Probably go blind,
And the hairs on your palm will grow longa!"
Ratman writes 05/03/96
"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
Bring me some oil of castor!
The bishop's done died,
With my organ inside,
From fuckin' him faster and faster!
Van shares a classic 05/03/96
Of the serpent's beguilment, be wary,
For original sin is quite hairy!
For the fruit that begot
Man's trouble was not
Eve's apple, but rather her cherry!
LIMBERICK writes 05/03/96
What in fuck was that you wrote, HERKIN?
Your head must not have been workin'
If you play with your dick,
Like you write limerick
Get someone else to do all the jerkin'!
The Sage groans. "Oh no, another flame war!"
Writerman's been busy as hell
Moving and offline as well.
Now I'm back (with some luck)
My cock ready to fuck
Any female whose name I can spell!
Ladnek writes 05/02/96
Said a frowzy French maid named Louise,
"In France, we do it by threes;
I would not oo-la-la
At a ménage à trois,
But a ménage à quatre if you please!
The writer comments: This is a limerick, alas, that requires explanation. What¹s more, it¹s in two languages.
I appeared in a community theater production of Noel Coward¹s Private Lives, a comedy with four principal roles (two feuding married couples who switch partners) and a bit part for a French maid named Louise (me). Louise speaks nothing but French and appears only briefly to discover the four principal characters apparently shacked up together.
At the opening night cast part, I recited this limerick, French accent and all!
Lendak also shares a classic 05/02/96
From the crypt of the church at St. Giles
Came a shriek that resounded for miles.
The vicar said, "Gracious,
Our brother Ignatius
Forgets that the bishop has piles!
CeeJay writes 05/02/96
As they laid the young man in his coffin:
"There's really no way you can soften
The blow", said his wife,
"'Cos poor John lost his life
Through fucking too hard and too often!"
Preacher shares a classic 05/01/96
There is a young lassie from Wales
On whose breast is the cost of the ales,
But on her behind
For those that are blind
Is exactly the same thing in Braille!
There is a girl from Azores;
Her crotch is covered with sores,
Even dogs wouldn't eat
The strips of green meat,
That hang in festoons from her drawers!
Toast Point pales. "Not this one again!"
Herkin writes 05/01/96
Three jolly maids from Buckingham
Kept a dead whore in a cave
His Ma said " Jack"
"If you don't put 'em back "
And bits of her pussy in Dallas!
Toast Point chortled. The Sage was not amused.
Nimrod shares classics 05/01/96
A lusty young plumber named Lee
Was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Cried the maid, "Stop your strumming!"
"I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
There was once a young lady from Worcester
Who dreamed Marlon Brando sedorcester.
She awoke to find
It was all in her mind -
Just a knot in her nightie had gorcester!
Preacher shares classics 05/01/96
There once was a bishop from Birmingham
Who seduced young girls whilst confirming 'em;
Midst rounds of applause,
He lowered their drawers,
And put his Episcol sperm in 'em!
There was a young fag from Rangoon
Who took a dyke to his room.
They argued all night
About who had the right
To do what with who and which with whom!
Toast Point is reminded of the old joke:
Masochist: "Beat me! Beat me!"
Sadist (with a grin): "No!"
Phred writes 05/01/96
The miners in northern Saskatchewan
Are complaining that all the good snatch is gone.
They say caribou
Make a pretty good screw,
But they run so damned fast, you can't catch you one!
The Sage has now banned all submissions of the Nantucket limerick.
Sage, sorry about the mistake!
It was an honest mistake -
Ooops! I did it again!
I'm living in sin!
A flogging I will have to take!
Sage, come on, flog me please!
I'm down on my hands and my knees!
Strike my ass with your paddle!
I swear I won't tattle
if you promise my balls you will tease!
The Sage promises nothing, but gets out his cat-o'-nine-tails nonetheless.
A man's desire to fuck
Is a game of considerable luck
The promises he makes
And the interest he fakes
In the name of hormones run amok.
Titled "Between The Legs Thinkers" and copyrighted at the Library of Congress, May 1995
A woman's desire to be loved
By a strong man lying above
Is tempered by reason
And a strong sense of season
When her lover's pecker is ungloved
Titled "Practical Girl" and is copyrighted in the Library of Congress, May 1995