The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from April 1996
from Poets Who Revel in Tawdriness!
jlhcat writes 04/30/96
There was a fair maiden I knew
Whose eyes were unusually blue
And her naughty smile said
She was much fun in bed
She had eager men up the gazoo!
La De Dah, La De Dah, La De Dah
La De Dah, La De Dah, La De Dah
La De Dah..., La De Dah...
La De Dah..., La De Dah...
La De Dah, La De Dah, F**k...
The writer comments: "Wherever there was a dirty word, I put it La De Dah..."
FALCON writes 04/30/96
There once was a girl from Peru.
One day when she'd nothing to do,
She sat on her stairs
Picking cunt hairs
One thousand, four hundred and two!
FALCON writes 04/30/96
There once was a girl from Far Rockaway
Whose cunt smelled from a block away!
I went down for a sniff,
Came up with the syph,
So now I look down and watch my cock rot away.
LIMBERICK writes 04/30/96
I met a wild, flirty redhead;
She invited me home to her bed!
She was wild as a twister
And so was her sister;
They blew me right off of the bed!
The Sage warns LIMBERICK to stop rhyming words with
themselves, or risk a flogging.
A sultry young maiden from Ongar
Had a torrid affair with a conger (eel, that is)
Her boyfriend, from Deal
Said " How does it feel? "
She said, " Just like yours, but much longer!"
The Chief writes 04/29/96
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Rode the shaft of Sir Arthur Faily;
She bounced so fast
On Sir Arthur's stout mast,
That they both came quite early!
Anonymous shares a classic 04/28/96
There was a young lady from Aberwriswith
Who had a male friend she played Whist with.
You may think it a fable,
But under the table
She played with the thing that he p****ed with!
Rickless shares classics 04/27/96
There once was a girl from New Guinea
Who could take it up to her kidney!
A man from the South
Stuck it up to her mouth;
He had a big one, didn't he!
There once was a girl from New Zealand
Who had a peculiar feelin'
Laid on her back,
Tickled her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling!
and writes...
I've got a roomie named Scott
Who delights in farting a lot.
Great clouds from his ass will pour
Releasing the earth's worst spore
Fresh air, we haven't got!
Snakepeare shares a classic 04/26/96
There was a young man from Boston
Who bought a new little Austin -
Room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out, and he lost em!
LIMBERICK writes 04/26/96
His big dick began to twitch,
As her rhythm she started to switch.
He meet with disaster,
When she sucked him faster.
He put the damn car in the ditch!
Many a lass in their belly's have got,
The seed of young Johnny Lott.
No children he'll get,
The dumb fuckin' shit,
He came in their mouth, not their twat!
and a triple...
I'm going to write yet another -
This one goes out to my brother.
Don't be upset by the fact,
Your girlfriend I packed -
For details please read the other!
She dropped by to see me (she said).
Next thing, she was givin' me head!
She first let me mount her
Bent over the counter;
To end it, I screwed her in bed!
We fucked as we sat on the floor
And leaning against the front door
At the end of every hour
We would screw in the shower!
Whe's becoming a bit of a bore...
Sumac writes 04/25/96
An unfortunate parson named Birch
Had a penchant for farting in church.
This led not a few
Who sat in his pew
To go elsewhere in spiritual search!
A stunted baseballer, a runt,
Was always encouraged to bunt.
The reason for that,
A shortness of bat,
Also made for shortness of cunt.
As King Oedipus lay at the breast
Of his mom, he was highly distressed.
He put out his eye
And let out a cry,
"I, Rex, like sex, but incest is best."
A politician seeking election
Sought support from his Asian section.
Said an ardent supporter
As he left their quarter,
"Rots of ruck, sir, in your erection."
Scoobie Doo writes 04/25/96
When the lass went away to Virginia,
Her mom said "Don't let no one in ya!"
The boys wanted to,
But she would not screw.
So they all said "Bug off, ya Virginia!"
Percy Longprong shares a classic 04/25/96
A callow youth, name of Herkin
Was always jerkin' his gherkin
His Ma sai " Herkin ! "
"Quit jerkin your gherkin "
"Your gherkin's for ferkin' - you nerkin!"
Van shares a classic 04/25/96
There was a young lad named Caruther
Who crept into bed with his mother!
I know it's a sin,
Stuffing it in,
But it's better than blowing my brother.
Gooch writes 04/25/96
I once met a beauty named November;
Under her skirt, I discovered a member!
So rather than scoff,
I just whittled that dick right off,
And gave her a night to remember!
LIMBERICK writes 04/25/96
Gents, if you want to get laid,
For a quickie, I know a young maid.
She will clean out your pipes,
In 3 or 4 swipes,
That's why they call her Minute Maid!
She lay there asleep on my bed
I proceded to position my head
Before she awoke,
I gave her a poke
And then blew a load on the bed!
A nun came into my place -
She proceeded to sit on my face
I felt the vacuum kick in
Her twat sucked me right in
And now I'm living in Grace!
There was a young idol named Kurt Cobain,
Who couldn't handle his stardom and pain,
He tried to overdose,
But didn't even go comatose,
So he picked up a shotgun and blew out his brain.
LIMBERICK shares classics 04/23/96
There once was a woman from Chicago
Who had tits as black as charcoal.
She could skin a man's prick
So god damn quick,
Sparks flew from his asshole!
There once was a man from Kent
Whose member was so long that it bent
To stay out of trouble
He bent it in double
And, instead of cumming he went!
and writes 04/24/96
"I have for you, love, just one question -
Will you try any position I mention?"
I decided to go
When she answered me "no".
I guess then a blow job is out of the question!
Hubert writes 04/23/96
There once was an kinky old slut,
Who liked to get boned up the butt.
But her man had a fear,
Of entering the rear,
And he could not get off a nut!
Out yonder lived a man named Bob,
Who bragged of the world's biggest knob.
One night his wife was bored,
And wanted the big gourd.
But instead she gave him a blowjob.
Stark writes 04/23/96
There was a young woman named Brandi
Who'd take off her dress for some candy
Or for money for rent
Or for just fifty cents
Or for anything else you had handy!
There once was a woman named Annie
Who liked to have sex in the fanny;
She could fuck all night
And still remain tight!
She got dates though she was an old granny!
There once was a woman named Muffy
Who everyone thought was quite stuffy.
But when paid enough money,
She'd screw like a bunny
Though her little pink tail wasn't fluffy.
There was an old pervert named Stark
Who watched women jog through the park -
He hid behind a tree
And spanked his monkey
Until he came all over the bark!
and the Brady Bunch Contest rears its ugly head...
When Jeffrey Dahmer met the Bunch
He knew it was more than a hunch
That they soon would be dead
And he'd keep all their heads
In his fridge, to eat later for lunch!
Rowdy Jack writes 04/23/96
Lady Di and Prince Charles lost their cools
Trading crowns for the dunce caps of Fools!
Chuck was caught scoring goals
With Camilla P. Bowles,
And Diana eschewed his crown jewels!
The royal facade further buckled
With Fergie's big toe getting suckled -
Her topless parading
Meant Andy was trading
His crown for the horns of a cuckold!
Randy royals can't help breeding malice
When the sceptre they wield is a phallus;
The sun never sets
On their conquests, so let's
Rechristen it "Fucking 'Em" Palace!
Pat shares a classic 04/23/96
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter to nine
By a quarter to ten it was in her!
(The dinner, not Skinner)
This is part of a composite, composed for an after dinner speech.
Unfortunately, the speaker dined rather well and when he rose to deliver the
limerick was befuddled. This resulted in the following version:
There once was a fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter to nine
At a quarter to ten it was up her!
(Not Tupper,
Some other bugger named Skinner!)
MadCat writes 04/22/96
"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor,
"Sing, damn you, sing! oh yes! Faster!
Your rhythm and shake
Makes my trembling loins quake
Sing it out: I'm your lord and master!"
Of a lover she'd often had dreams:
A man who could mend all her seams.
Make her once again whole
With a watertight soul,
AND be very adept with whipped cream!
Rowdy Jack writes 04/22/96
She sought out his manhood and robbed it,
Then from the car window she lobbed it!
For she'd pledged to the stiff
At the height of their tiff,
That when his john waned, she would bob it!
Pedro writes 04/21/96
There was a young lady named Hubble
Who enveloped herself in a bubble.
She'd have happily died
Wrapped safely inside,
But the world's full of pricks, that's the trouble!
alex,c, on 4/20, wrote first...
"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
Get away from Billie Jae
Keep your hands away from people's pockets
Don't tough what isn't yours,
Don't fondle with others' behinds.
commenting "I just made this up in a few minutes so it's nothing much."
And then wrote
"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
Get away from Billie Fryar
Stop that touching right now
Or I'll bring in the cow
Who has always quenched my desires!
The sage comments "Well, you're getting closer. 1,2 and 5 should rhyme."
Rowdy Jack writes 04/19/96
At stroke 22, Jack the setter
Was standing much taller and wetter
With some soda applied
To the tip, and each side
For with Coke, such things always go better!
Two porcupines making a third
Is a sight both obscene and absurd.
Add the shrieks from each prick
(of their quills, not his dick)
And 'tis wondrous the creature's endured!
Dale writes 04/19/96
"Don't do that!" the husband repeated
When he found that his wife had excreted.
She stopped and he cheered,
But mostly he feared
The supply of it would be depleted.
Bern1 shares classics 04/16/96
There once was a lady named Alice
Who used dynamite for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And part of her ass in Dallas!
There once was a man named Green
Who invented a masturbating machine.
On the ninety-ninth stroke,
The damn thing broke
And mashed his balls into cream!
There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead old whore in his cave.
The damned thing smelled,
But what the hell,
Think of the money you save!
Stan the Man writes 04/14/96
A poet, by name, Rowdy Jack,
Was giving his willy a whack;
On the twenty-first stroke,
He paused for a Coke
But alas, his old willy went slack!
Rowdy Jack writes 04/12/96
Said a fellow named Ira S. Green,
"My sex life is terribly lean...
I'm a chaste little lamb,
Save for old Uncle Sam,
Who screws me each April 15!"
Siralop writes 04/11/96
There once was a fine young lass
Who had a penchant for running out of gas.
She asked, "Do you take credit?"
The man said, "FORGET IT!
"Why don't you blow it out your ass!"
Finocchio shares a classic 04/11/96
A degenerate buffoon from Yeppoon
Was born several months too soon
He hadn't the luck
To be conceived by a fuck
But a wet dream retrieved by a spoon
I'm glad that you like my long dick,
And you think that my stroke does the trick,
But I don't need new glasses,
I know where your ass is.
The back hole's the best hole to stick!
Count Drac writes 04/11/96
Said the Count, "I like O, A and B.
"I don't care if you've got HIV.
"I'll just give you a bite
In the neck, in the night,
And then you'll be a vampire like me!"
Bartender shares a classic 04/09/96
There once was a man named Franzini
Who spilled gin all over his weenie!
He thought it uncouth,
So added Vermouth
And slipped his young date a martini!
Quilis writes 04/09/96
A cute lady soldier named Kay
Had a hole that was three feet each way
During sex, Sgt. Quinn
Accidentally fell in
And has since been declared "M.I.A."
Count Drac writes 04/09/96
A tipsy young vampire named Mabel
Has a menstrual cycle so stable,
That one week in four
She gets down on the floor,
And drinks herself under the table...
Ewwwwww!
Zephyr writes 04/08/96
There was a young boy named Bill,
Who discovered a girl named Jill
Could cause in his pants,
A jig and a dance,
And all of his seed to spill!
Leonard Hall writes 04/08/96
Ms. Bobbitt should not get away
With castrating poor John while he lay!
So here's my advice:
She should pay him a price
And consider it "severance pay"!
Anon comments on a classic 04/08/96
Ancient tales of the Nantucket lass
Or of Alsatian balls made of brass
Must be sent to Toast Point
To get his nose out of joint.
Getting T.P. pissed must be a gas!
Toast Point and the Sage know that unless you read back through the
archives, you probably don't realize how often these come up, but still...
Rowdy Jack writes 04/08/96
"Mounting canines may seem quite un-classy
When the option's a feminine chassis,
But I'd trade," exclaimed Wally
"My gal for a collie."
Well, they say every lad needs his Lassie.
Theotinus writes 04/07/96
There once was this man from Wolc-Meepy.
Moylcon, his brother, was creepy.
He raised up a stick,
A robotic dick,
To put on his sister, Miss Peepy.
Blue-Eyed Devil writes 04/07/96
"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
"Your blowjob technique's a disaster!
Removing your hand
From the base of my gland
Will let me come deeper and faster!"
There once was a girl from Lynn Mass
Who had a magnificent ass
not rounded and pink
as you probably think -
It's gray, has long ears, and eats grass!
Rowdy Jack writes 04/05/96
"Though your stroke is a slow and a strong one
And your dick is a thick and a long one,
What you need," said the lass, "is
A new pair of glasses,
For the hole that you poked is the wrong one."
See Phred's response on 4/11.
Hurricane NZ writes 04/04/96
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Said "I should do this more than daily!
Jogging, tennis and a swim
Certainly will keep me in trim,
But bonking on top is my main glee!
The Nookiemonster shares a classic 04/04/96
There once was a man from Alsace
Whose balls were constructed of brass
When they clanged together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning came out of his ass!
Gee, it only took 5 days this month...
BigD writes 04/02/96
Oh, CB, you don't understand!
It's not best to just use your hand -
With a good lubricator,
A ten inch vibrator
Can make you feel OH so Grand!
Phred writes 04/02/96
The porcupine's quiver of quills
Can cause some connubial ills.
Their sex can't get crazy
Or careless or lazy;
Their fucking has very few frills.
Her form was really appealing,
The curves alone sent him reeling.
Though she straightened him up,
Did this lass to this pup,
She summarily sent the lad kneeling.
Tyme321 writes 04/02/96
There was a young fella named Bub,
Who played with himself in the tub.
He fingered his balls,
And shot on the walls,
While farting out rub-a-dub-dub.
There was a young man from D.C.
Who went to the men's room to pee.
While acting the fool,
He pulled out his tool,
Then pissed on himself and on me.
J, Edgar, he knew that the crux,
Of gangster control was big bucks.
Some said he was queer,
But, that was a smear;
It's the other Hoover that sucks!
CB writes 04/01/96
St. Valentine must be a fairy!
The boyfriends he sticks us with - scary!
I now understand
Best to just use your hand,
Even though your palms may get hairy!
"I have the world's biggest tool,"
Boasted Dick, making sweet April drool
But then he undressed -
'Twas a calendar jest;
He'd just made, of sweet April, a Fool!