The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries...
from Poets Who Should Avoid Cincinnati!
Entries from March, 1996
Justkicks writes 03/31/96
I really don't mean to intrude,
Though my rhymes may sometimes be crude
But today is the day
That I jump in the fray
So 'scuse me should my ass protrude!
A computer nerd got on the net
And said "I haven't had cyber-sex yet".
But she wasn't desirous
She e-mailed him a virus
And told him "that's all that you'll get!"
After a bottle, a bang and a bong,
I sang an unsavory song.
"All these pleasures" I cried
"should not be denied
To a man with a very long dong!"
Anon writes 03/28/96
An Indian girl in Belize
Made a dildo of corncobs and cheese.
She fucked it quite boldly
Until it grew moldy
And gave her six strange STDs!
Menopausal writes 03/27/96
My boyfriend thinks I'm just plain mean
For moaning and pleading: "Please clean!
Take that trash to the dump
Or no Sylvie you'll hump -
Everything in the fridge has turned green!"
"And I wasn't raised in a stable!
So you'll have to wear clothes at the table!
Your willie's a sight
Better saved for the night
I've put up with as much as I'm able!
An excessively socialized bitch
And a weirdo not wearing a stitch --
Maybe just not a match
'Twixt the caveman and snatch,
Despite giving each other The Itch!!
Arthur Dent shares a classic 03/26/96
There was an old man called McTavish
Who attempted an anthropod ravish,
But the object of rape
Was the wrong sex of ape,
And the anthropod ravished McTavish!
There was a young man of Assize
Whose balls were of different size.
He'd look at the right
With a gasp of delight,
But the other brought tears to his eyes.
Toast Point offers this in response:
A wonderful dame of Arrizes
Had breasts of two different sizes!
The left one was small
Hardly nothin' at all
But the right one was large and won prizes!
Anon writes 03/26/96
It seems cybersex has its attractions
In lieu of more carnal distractions.
But the feel of real skin
Is more my kind of sin.
Cybersex gives me words, but no actions.
Max Mickser writes 03/26/96
Three girly-men, all dressed in leather
Had in their asses a feather.
Said the one to the other
"I hope you're not my mother,
Cos outside it's lovely weather!"
D-Rick shares a classic 03/25/96
There once was a bishop from Clyde
Who fell in the outhouse and died.
His brother the vicar
Did so but quicker,
And now they're interred side by side.
The old archeologist Trostle
Found a most wonderous fossil!
By the way it did bend,
And the knob on the end -
'Twas the penis of Paul the Apostle!
The wife of a jogger named Rinde
Suggested an act most maligned.
"I'll back up to your dong
And you'll find before long
That you've managed to come from behind!"
Rowdy Jack writes 03/25/96
From the world, his discovery brought cheers!
From his wife, it drew nothing but tears.
"For you see," said Ms. Halley,
"He used to come daily,
Now it's once every 76 years!"
Big"D" writes 03/25/96
A well built young lad named Horatio
Was especially fond of fellatio.
He had such a schlong,
Ladies called him King Dong
And inflated much more than his ego!
A Republican named Robert Dole
Was questioned regarding a poll.
Elizabeth, when asked,
Said "His pole is grotesque!"
It's because of her humor so droll.
Jersey City writes 03/23/96
Erections for Sue held no fears.
Quothe she: "There is no cause for tears!
With my lips (I have found)
And my tongue wrapped around,
Their rigidity soon disappears!"
A buxom young lass from the West
Took the following view of her chest:
"They're the first things you see,
So congratulate me;
I will always put forward my best!"
JC writes 03/22/96
There lives a president named Bill
Who fucked us all while on the hill.
We thought he was strange,
But his opponents are fucking deranged.
What grand advertisments for the pill!
JSE (aka Rowdy Jack) writes 03/21/96
A camper with peter immense
Said: "To carry a pole makes no sense!
I just spread out a blanket,
Crawl under and yank it.
My orgasm's always in tents."
Writerman writes 03/21/96
Have you heard the word "cybersex" yet?
It means having sex on the net!
It's fun and exciting,
Putting passions in writing,
And no social disease can you get!
Daniel writes 03/20/96
Running to a house belonging to John Maily,
She went inside to visit his shlong
He had his way, and something went wrong
He slimed her in the eye
She bit his shlong and said "goodbye"...
Hmmm....sort of an upside-down limerick...
NoGoody2Shoe writes 03/20/96
There once was a fellow LePew,
Renowned through the land for his screw.
He'd rub them with cream.
Their souls would give steam.
Especially that gal called 2Shoe!
CB writes 03/20/96
We've all seen Bob Dole pull his stock up;
The nomination's a lock-up.
But 'tis easy to see
The tired, old GOP
Is just a white, male, retro cock-up!
Thomas shares a classic 03/20/96
A lusty young man from Nantucket,
Had a penis so long he could suck it.
Said he with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it!
Toast Point will do research today to see if there have been
any months where this limerick hasn't been submitted.
Writerman replies to his fan club 03/20/96
To my Fan Club, I offer my thanks!
I assure everyone in your ranks
That Kathy's forgotten;
I'll find some new twat in
Between giving "junior" some yanks!
Rowdy Jack writes 03/19/96
Pleaded Jack with Estelle, "It's not wrong!"
She replied: "My convictions are strong!
Only bells from a wedding
Will herald our bedding!
First a ring, then I'll peel for your dong."
Lusty Gal writes 03/19/96
I'm starting to climb the walls.
Been looking for men in malls!
But what do I find?
They're all the wrong kind!
For this lusty gal, he needs balls!
The Writerman's Fan Club writes 03/19/96
Oh, Writerman, don't be forlorn -
This woman is not one to mourn;
She wasn't for you.
So you're one, not yet two,
Don't give up - raise your head, blow your horn!
Phred shares a classic 03/18/96
Growing sore from her husband's great mass,
A young bride inserted some glass.
Now the prick of dear hubby
Is all short and stubby,
And the bride can piss out her ass!
JC writes 03/17/96
"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor,
"Go down on my dick even faster"
Along came a nun,
To spoil his fun,b
But he came so hard it flew past her!
Writerman writes 03/15/96
To all of those people who fell
For Compuserve or AOL:
Your bill is the tip-off -
They're really a rip-off!
They can both go to Internet Hell!
If you find a sweet thing and would hump her,
Hide in the bushes and jump her!
She'll respond to your form
With a twat sweet and warm,
And if she's ungrateful - just dump her!
Oblivion writes 03/15/96
There once was a man name of Ender
Who wanted to change from his gender.
When he inquired of me,
I told him that he
Should stick his balls in a blender!
There once was a young man from Spain
Who got his pecker stuck straight down the drain!
He said with a yell,
As he wiped off the gel,
"I've never felt such wonderful pain!"
Mustard shares a classic 03/15/96
There once was a man from Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia!
The color was fine,
Likewise the design;
The aroma, eh - that was a failure!
CeeJay writes 03/15/96
Observing the bulge in his khakis,
Sister Phyllis was heard to remark "He's
A big lad! I hope
He won't mind a quick grope..."
But she found that the bulge was his car keys!
Sally-Ann combines lust and aggression
In each passionate sexual session.
She is such a good lay
That her boyfriends all say
She should take it up as a profession!
Keenamania shares
classics 03/14/96
There once was a man for Euclaire.
Who was pounding his wife on the stair.
The bannister broke...
So he doubled his stroke...
And he polished her off in mid-air!
There once was a guy from Wheeling.
Who played with his dick with great feeling.
And then like a trout...
He'd stick his mouth out...
And catch the drops from the ceiling!
CB writes 03/14/96
Writerman's jaw hit the floor!
He knew that he's not been a boor;
But the twit, in a snit
Pitched a fit, packed her clit
And her twat and suchlike out the door!
Forget her, forget her, forget her!
You can do, oh, so much better!
Now, dear, though 'twas a shock,
Time to perk up your cock
And plug a more sane Internetter!
jimbob writes 03/13/96
Bill Clinton says "I love Hollywood!
I've helped all the stars that I could!
So let's have a big hand
For Chief Justice Streisand
Who, by the way, gives head real good!"
Mr. McThin writes...
There once was a man from the cape
Whose fly was always agape;
He walked along the dunes
Singing some tunes,
Letting his flatulence escape.
and shares a classic 03/12/96
Their once was a man named Dave
Who dug an old whore up from the grave,
She was smelly as shit
and missing a tit,
But think of the bucks that he saved!
WRITERMAN's back(!) and wiser in love 3/12/96
Said old Writerman with a smile,
"I haven't been here in a while!
I've missed the tongue slashings,
The trashing and bashings,
And all of the verbiage most vile!"
Just give this poet a chance
And he'll detail his latest romance!
We met on the net
So you all know the set...
It's like deja vu in advance!
A romance that we built out of Lego
Me, Miami and she, San Diego
Didn't matter to me
Seemed a match meant to be
Like vermicelli and Prego!
Every night we both stoked the fires,
Burning oil and telephone wires -
Her voice, her refrain
I craved like cocaine;
All doomsayers put down as liars!
From San Diego she came,
Writerman's Internet Flame!
The past has passed -
Together at last!
Kathy's the young lady's name!
I had wondered just how could I get
Hooked on someone whom I'd never met!
Doesn't work - now I know, sir -
I'll choose one that lives closer
Lest when she comes - she comes on a jet!
Though we'd sworn our love for always,
She was out of here in two days!
This "gentleman" sucker,
He never did fuck her -
Fuck her and maybe she stays!
Though she didn't quite ring my bell,
The thing seemed to be going quite well,
But when cybermate Kathy
Got too pschopathy,
Turned into the romance from hell!
Details, Og! We all want to know!
Gumby shares a classic 03/11/96
There was a young girl from McGill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil!
Brazil, McGill, it's all the same...
Poopy writes 03/11/96
Love on the rocks
What a disgrace
Give your mom a nickel
And she'll put in your pickle
And might even sit on your face!
Love on the rocks?
DaHomer writes 03/11/96
Toast Point, I gladly welcome you back!
We've missed you and this page, that's a fact!
The lewd and crude verse,
Perverted and terse,
Helps to keep my sanity intact!
Toast Point replies:
Da Homer, you're really too kind,
But a niche I've created, I find...
Consider it my duty
To support what is lewdy
And grist for a true dirty mind!
CB writes 03/08/96
Candidate Buchanan assumes
An electorate drawn from barrooms.
He's really a clown
And his shirt is as brown
As the tracks in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.
Stan the Man writes 03/08/96
Ginger, come sit on my face!
I won't get my nose out of place!
It's pointed and long,
And shaped like a schlong,
And can move at a very quick pace!
Yay, they're back!
Van writes 03/07/96
There was a young lad from San 'Frisco
Who picked up a man in a disco.
When home in bed,
In wonder, he said,
"You want to do WHAT with that Crisco?!?"
A well-written limerick is lewd,
Vile, disgusting and crude.
If you find it hard
To play the bard,
Try writing while in the nude!
CB writes 03/06/96
Lady Di has the Windsors in states,
For they always put up with their mates.
In fact, young Queen Lizzie
Made her Phillip quite dizzy,
Saying "The hole of England awaits!"
Van
writes 03/05/96
Observing the bulge in his khakis
And being a bit of a cocktease,
I fondled his crotch
While he stood and watched,
Till he blew a big wad in his jockeys!
Stargazer writes 03/04/96
Hamlet's pal was performing fellatio
And was stunned by his width-to-length ratio.
Quoth the Dane, "I've more girth
Under heaven or earth
Than you've ever dreamt of, Horatio!"
Wiseacre shares a classic 03/02/96
There once was a young man named Skinner
Who invited a fair lass to dinner.
At a quarter to nine they sat down to dine;
At a quarter to ten it was in her.
(The dinner was in her, not Skinner;
Skinner was in her before dinner!)
Van
writes 03/01/96
The Hardy Boys, on an adventure
Encountered a willing young wench. Her
Lust they aroused
But they stuck to their vows
To rely on each other for pleasure.
Mustard writes 03/01/96
There once was a man from Peru
Who liked to make love with his shoe!
He said with a hoot
(as he came in his boot),
"Tomorrow, I'll try a size 2!"