The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from February 1996
from Poets Who Cause Gentle Souls to Blanch!
Mad Mike & Dan The Man writes 02/27/96
There once was a woman named Shannon
Whose cunt was the size of a cannon.
I heard a great slurp,
And a massive burp,
As she sat on a cup full of Dannon....
Kivi writes 02/26/96
There once was a young man named Enus,
Who had two balls but no penis
A eunuch he wed,
And in bed he said,
"We have a complete set between us"
Schling-A-Schlong writes 02/24/96
Tim had traveled to Peru
In search of the ultimate screw
When his trip was complete
He zipped up his meat
And said to the ladies, "Thank you!"
Toast Point sings:
Schling, schling a schlong,
Make it sinful, to last the whole night long
Don't worry that it's not big enough
For anyone else to feel
Just schling, schling a schlong!
A Sick Cheerleader writes 02/24/96
2-4-6-8
Everybody Masturbate!
Breathe deep and moan
Scream loud and groan
Until you ejaculate!!
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Joined forces with Barnum and Bailey;
She went down on a clown
(T'was the talk of the town!)
Want more details? Email me!
Da Homer writes 02/23/96
Touche, Jill, you got me, my dear
And you might fake the moans that I hear...
But there's no way to hide
Your true feelings inside,
When your thighs clamp so tight round my ears!
True orgasms from you I shall win
And I say this while wiping my chin,
For only I know
How your juices DO flow -
There's no faking that wetness within!
A French necrophiliac called Jacques
Was doing a corpse in a truck.
As they passed East Berlin,
Rigor mortis set in,
And the poor little froggie was stuck!
There was a young athlete called Pete
Whose sex life began in the street -
Jogging round Piccadilly
He felt stiff in his willie
And mounted the bobby on beat!
Tim writes 02/22/96
A young Catholic they caught masturbating
Was told "It's sinful, your sperm to be wasting".
"Fret not!", said the lad;
"I haven't been bad
I've been saving it all in this waste bin"
A horny Italian pastor
At cunnilingus was a master;
"When they lie on their backs
And I lick at their cracks
They wiggle and squirm just like pasta!"
The Sage frowns. Pastor? Pasta?
Da Homer writes 02/22/96
Lovs2Laf - the love shows through your words,
But to think I'm that huge is absurd!
You're a CPA lass;
I'd never fit in your ass,
If my dick were as small as a bird's!
Jill dear, you now have me back
With all of my hardness intact;
Your tongue is stupendous
And lips so tremendous
My vision is fading to black!
Though I don't carry all that much girth,
Making love to you's heaven on Earth!
When up go your knees,
The way that you squeeze
Just milks me for all that it's worth!!
Lovs2Laf writes 02/22/96
John, come to my home, lick and tease me!
I need someone here who can please me!
I want you inside,
My legs are spread wide,
And you know just how to release me!
My butt sliding down on your face,
Dressed up in black stockings of lace,
Get me dripping wet,
Your tongue deeper yet,
My god, this is my favorite place!
If my offer you're tempted to take,
We can meet down at Table Rock Lake -
On the water, it's nice
(a hotel would suffice) -
I promise an orgasm I'll fake!
John can't let that go and writes 02/22/96
Very funny m' dear, "Ha, ha, ha",
I'm sure you've made people guffaw!
You say thimble's the size
Of the bump 'tween my thighs,
But aren't those the size cups in your bra?
Jill writes 2/22/96
John is not quick, John is not nimble,
His little dick fits in a thimble!
This being so true,
if only you knew,
You'd laugh til your body did tremble!
Jill apologizes to John 02/22/96
I'm such a liar! This you will see
As finally the truth comes out of me -
John, I still love you,
No one's above you
And forgiving is how you must be!
Writerman writes 02/22/96
Jack was once known as Big Dipper,
Till his dipper got caught in his zipper!
It's hard not to laugh,
But he zipped it in half,
And now he's called Jack The Ripper!
Toast Point crosses his legs in sympathy.
Lovs2Laf replies to Da Homer 02/21/96
John, JOHN! Get your ass back in bed!
I like that thing hard, not soft instead!
With my tongue I'll go 'round,
Then up and back down
You know I give excellent head!
John is not nimble, John is not quick,
Due to his large and cumbersome dick!
He often wants anal,
But that would be fatal,
So if seen, you'd best run away quick!
Stargazer writes 02/21/96
A lad lusted after his tutor,
Who tutored him on the computer.
Her talents computable
Made her inscrutable
Up to the day that he scrut her!
"You must toot your own horn, you can't duck it, kid!
Feed 'em crap 'til it has to be bucketed!"
So by boasting all morn,
Do I "toot my own horn"?
Or is that what the man from Nantucket did?
Da Homer writes 02/21/96
Lovs2Laf has got my mind reeling!
Her lips on my shaft - "what a feeling"!
Runneth over my cup
With the feelings built up -
She'd have me shoot straight to the ceiling!
Lovs' heart I would like, that's a fact,
And her offer holds much to attract!
I'd spend the whole day
'Tween her legs and just play
And once there, I may never come back!
Lovs2Laf writes 02/21/96
I'm sorry it takes me a moment
To say things like "fuck", "shit" and "stroke-it",
But get this quite clear -
With me, there's no fear -
I WILL suck it, and lick it, and blow it!
Oo!
Pecos Tom shares classics 02/20/96
There once was this lady from France
Who boarded a train in a trance,
Everyone fucked her,
Except the conductor,
And he shot a load in his pants.
There once was this lady named Lil,
Who lit dynamite for a thrill -
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
And part of her tit in Brazil!
There once was this lady named Lou
Who filled up her pussy with glue,
She said with a grin,
If you pay to get in,
Then you'll pay to get out of it too!
Loman writes 02/20/96
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Liked to screw with a friendly Israeli.
Just the thought of his shmuck
Got her ready to fuck,
Which they did six or seven times daily!
Three girly-men, all dressed in leather,
Tied Hans und Franz firmly together.
"Pumped them up" all night long
Though they started out strong
Now they're so tired they can't lift a feather!
There was an old trapper named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
But he didn't fuck her
Or eat her or suck her;
He just thought it made a nice grave. (did I fool you?)
The Sage is amused.
Swede shares a classic 02/20/96
There was a young mas from Madras
Whose balls were made of pure brass
When he banged them together
They played 'Stormy weather'
And lightning came out of his ass.
Toast Point's note re: the man from Nantucket
applies here as well.
Lovs2Laf writes 02/19/96
Da Homer, my man in C-A,
You are stealing my heart away!
I'd sit on your face
If you'd just name the place,
You please me so much in that way!
On the telly is Ms. Courtney Cox,
Who is really one helluva fox!
You think if I'm hung
And extended my tongue,
She would let me slide into her box?
Da Homer writes 02/19/96
The time, 'bout a quarter past three;
Jill's body pressed up against me.
My desire I'm showing,
But she thinks it's annoying,
And yells "Get out of bed, and go pee!!"
If you like your suits double-breasted
Along with your women big-chested,
The women and suits
Are both in cahoots,
So you better make sure you're well rested!
A hurry-up hooker named Vickie
Was the quintescent queen of the quickie;
She'd do a quick dance,
Make you cum in your pants,
Leaving you sullen and sticky!
There was a male tourist from Norway
Who had sex with a whore in a doorway
Once back in the crowd
He wondered aloud,
"What ever happened to foreplay?"
Ginger writes 02/18/96
If Merc could make the world so
He's one guy whom I want to know.
He wants to give pleasure,
The kind you can't measure!
It's time. You can put up or show!
"No men left for me... I'm not pleased!"
Said the goddess, not quickly appeased.
"The best ones are taken
Or gay, or forsaken
And the rest of the lot are diseased!
An uppercrust couple, the Chases
Would make love in some outrageous places
In doorways and halls,
Zoos, restaurants and malls
And even at home in somes cases!
Jan was a hooker, a rookie.
When a man asked to eat her sweet nookie,
She said, "that isn't nice,
But if you ask twice,
I'll give you some milk and a cookie."
Mercury writes 02/17/96
If mine were the world to remake,
A couple of liberties I'd take.
No woman corny
Each woman horny
And orgasms that couldn't be faked!
Mike Hunt shares a number of flatulent classics 02/16/96
There once was a man named McBride
Who could fart whenever he tried.
In a contest he blew
Two thousand and two!
Then he shit and was disqualified...
There was a young man of Ragoon
Who farted and filled a balloon
The balloon went so high
It stuck in the sky
And stank out the man in the moon!
There once was a Royal Marine
Who tried to fart "God Save The Queen"
When he reached the soprano
Out came the guano -
His pants were not fit to be seen!
There was a musician named Bass
Who played the trombone with his ass.
He put in a trap
To take out the crap
But the vapors corroded the brass!
There was a young woman named Margo
Who came when they played Handel's "Largo".
But when they played Liszt,
She farted and pissed
Just to show what she thought of such cargo!
Little Richard writes 02/16/96
Ginger, with buttocks so fair
Invitingly raised in the air,
I hope you don't mind
If I mount you behind
And come in your sweet derriere!
Sylvie, you're a definite winner
That no one could match as a sinner.
But I'm wondering why,
When eating your pie,
Your cunt tastes so much like Ginger!
Da Homer writes 02/15/96
Toast Point and Sage I do thank you,
For creating this site, credit's due!
Although I'm not gay,
I think I should say,
If I were Ginger, Syl, or Charl, I would wank you!
Toast Point grins broadly.
The Sage looks disapprovingly at the
incomplete rhyme in line 2.
Little Richard writes 02/15/96
Ginger, please pardon my stare...
Your pussy is sweet and so fair!
Your ass is great too,
And if we should screw,
You also sport a great pair!
Note to Mock Turtle - your classic was also shared on Feb. 5. See below.
"Is Netscape the ultimate browser?"
I wondered as I walked my schnauzer
But my schnauzer while browsing
Found this poodle arousing -
Bad dog! He did more than arouse her!
Da Homer writes 02/14/96
Da Homer has just joined this crew,
But enjoying the feud and to-do,
So it seems I did miss
Charl's succulent kiss
Marge Simpson may just have to do!
Sylvie - who is this young lass?
I'm new here, but it's come to pass
That she may be quite fair
With a beautiful pair -
Why are all being pains in the ass?
Ginger's alone with the Skipper,
Though Sir Howell and the Prof want to dip 'er.
"The Professor is wise,
But I like Skipper's size
And Howell can't go quite past his zipper".
and a variation on the classic
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it!
He said, though quite crass
As he lubed up his ass
"I have found a nice place I can tuck it!
Ginger writes 02/14/96
Sylvie has made a good choice.
Let us all join in and rejoice!
He's nicely discreet,
His cock is so sweet;
Og's dick is well known - a Rolls Royce!
The Sage tweaked it just a bit...
This fellow we all know as Stan
Is a ready-to play-kinda man.
The front door or back,
He even can smack!
Whatever I want, that's his plan!
Little Richard writes 02/14/96
Ginger was horny and hot,
Lying nude and supine on her cot.
She yearned for a dick
She could suck on and lick
And a tongue that would tickle her twat!
Ali Chingali shares a classic 02/13/96
The Duchess once asked with a wink
"Pray tell me sir, Why do farts stink?
I quickly replied
With a smile very wide.
"For the benefit of the deaf I think!!
Stargazer writes 02/13/96
A desperate young lass from Vancouver
Liposuctioned her ass with a Hoover.
The massive reduction
Achieved by the suction
Was generally thought to improve 'er.
CB says my cum tastes like wine -
(Pussy-Foosay or Cha-bliss - which is mine?)
This broad's got great taste -
I'm accepting with haste -
CB, I'll be your Valentine!
St. Valentine I would not fart on -
His life you don't want me to start on!
No stud, I'm afraid
The man never got laid -
He just walked around with a heart on!
Dad's Dirt writes 02/13/96
Agreeing with what The Sage sees;
The tired old limericks just tease.
We know Fuck it and Suck it
Both Rhyme with Nantucket
But cum up with something new, please!
Ali Chingali writes 02/13/96
Oh my, but my penis is sore
I simply can't screw any more.
I am covered with sweat
And you haven't come yet!
And My God it's a quarter to four!
Did you hear the incredible news
About Ginger who is off on a cruise?
She had sex on the coral
In ways most immoral,
But the crew just blamed it on booze!!!
PrettyPlayer writes 02/11/96
Ginger, I'm taking your invite.
Standing on line to the left, not right.
But it's jut you and me!
That is all that I see!
Has everyone else taken flight?
CB writes 02/12/96
WriterMan's cum tastes like wine
Of vintage exceedingly fine.
He's got brains, taste, and class;
He wins this lady's ass -
Og, please be my own Valentine?
The Sage thinks that's awfully sweet.
Dairy Products shares a classic 02/12/96
There once was a man named Keith
Who circumsized boys with his teeth!
It wasn't the skin
He was int'rested in,
But the layer of cheese beneath!
Sylvie writes 02/12/96
Sylvia's taken her pick; she
Is fondling WriterMan's dick. He
Just caught a good whiff
Of her exquisite quiff
And - damn! He just gave me a hickey!
Little Richard writes 02/12/96
Vicky's sweet pussy's a beaut;
Her ass is equally cute!
Her tits are the best,
She gives head with zest,
And her brain is also astute!
Ginger writes 02/11/96
Sylvie, are you gettin' ready?
Together, let's give'em some heady!
You pick your beau
And off we will go.
Move fast, 'cause I'm checkin' out Phreddie!!
Beamer shares a classic 02/10/96
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who had a dick so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped cum from his chin
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
Toast Point sings, with apologies
to Sondheim:
Not a month goes by, not a blessed month
But it's still somehow part of my page
And it won't go away...
PrettyPlayer writes 02/10/96
My passion is growing each time
I come to this page and see rhyme.
The men are so good.
I wish that they could
Make cyber be real, it's sublime!
The men here are all succulent.
Inspiring me to turn and be bent.
Is there any one
Who's free to have fun?
Whatever you want, I'll consent.
There's Sylvia, Ginger, and me.
Count that, men - that's three!
So come take your choice.
Perhaps you want Joyce?
But she's not available, see?
Ginger writes 02/10/96
Yes, Ginger's arrived on the scene.
She's toting a jar - vaseline!
She's checking out Marty
To start up the party.
'Cause she needs a fucking machine!
Stargazer writes 02/10/96
A brilliant young NASA technician
Showed his wife an exciting position.
She replied, "It's the top!
Now if only you'd stop
Yelling, '5...4...3...2...1...ignition!'"
To a flirty young girl from Marseilles
Said her uncle, the vintner, "Some day
Some one of your fellas
May start to grow jealous
And ask you just which Beaujolais!"
A drunken young fop took a floozy in-
To his bed and tried sticking his whoozy in,
But he didn't succeed
In his effort to breed
And the world is that much less Malthusian.
EC writes 02/10/96
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Went out in search of dick daily
She found what she wanted
And gave him some head
And the horny old bastard
Shot a wad on the bed.
Hmmm, changes formats mid-poem....
Jim Tennant
shares a classic 02/10/96
A charming young nun from St. Chichester
Made all of the monks in their niches stir.
Each morning at matins,
Her breasts in their satins
Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir.
The Man writes 02/09/96
Sylvie's all talk and no action
Giving men no satisfaction
She doesn't do dick
Has not touched a prick
So where is there any attraction?
Ginger's back, and writes 02/09/96
I've heard that the game's not begun.
So who is now playing - ev'ryone?
Form a line on the right
Of those too uptight.
I'm here on the left having fun!
Writerman's had quite enough!
This party is getting too rough!
"Naughty" is nice -
But here's some advice -
Let's can the mean-spirited stuff!
Toast Point and the Sage concur.
Og and Stan! Here are your lost limericks from Sunday! They
just showed up Feb. 8!
Sylvie's new boyfriend is pissed!
Wants his girlfriend to cease and desist -
Now that this art you've mastered -
Sylvie, don't let the bastard
Take you from out of our midst!!
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Fooled everyone 'til an Israeli
Squeezed too hard on the pair,
Letting out all the air -
Of balloons she'd been pumping up daily!
Stan writes 2/4
"With Charl, Sylvie just doesn't rate!",
He observed after only one date.
Her snatch was so wide,
He got lost while inside -
Now ain't that a horrible fate?
Sylvie's tits were quite rare -
They were covered all over with hair!
Her nipples were long
As a normal man's schlong,
And they whooshed when exposed to the air!
Sylvie's snatch was so large,
It had room for ten men and a barge!
She could do all the men,
Then come back again
And give them all head with no charge!
CeeJay writes 02/08/96
By tradition, when guarding their sheep
Shepherds sing, play the panpipes, or sleep.
But Little Boy Blue
Prefers a good screw
In the haystack with Little Bo Peep!
SportsFan writes 02/07/96
Sylvia, just pick one already
Martin or Og for some heady.
You say you are there
But don't take the dare!
Ahhh, you can go after Phreddy!!
Syl, don't be afraid to be lickin'
Perhaps you prefer they just stick'em?
The front or the back?
A romp in the sack.
It's time, girl, to get that tongue flickin'!!
The Rightor writes 02/07/96
There once was a girl from Peru
Who didn't know what she should do
So she sat on her ass
And smoked up some grass
And now she's as ugly as you!
Phred writes 2/7
You men really don't need to fight;
Three dicks would fit Sylvie just right.
In her ass and her cunt
And her mouth (What a stunt!)
Then pinch her nose and the girl's water-tight!
The Man writes 2/7
Sylvie, get down on your knees,
Then give my gonads a squeeze!
Please suck on my dick
'Til it's all wet and slick
And stop being a cyberspace tease!
Richard Wall writes 2/7
There can be no doubt that Rebecca
For me is a true lover's Mecca!
She will dress up and play,
Groan, moan and sashay -
Her juice tastes just like liquor!
SportsFan writes 2/6
Oh, Sylvie, don't be such a chicken!
When will you start some dick lickin'?
You say you give head
But it's all talk instead!
Give us some HOT limericking!
Sylvie's CHALLENGE has been seen and noted
And her muff, guys, tastes great - candy-coated!
So if you like sweets
While you're betwixt the sheets -
Better do what the young lady wroted!
With his beans, chef Richard did strive
To meet the Clean Air Standards of '95.
But his hot-start emission
Revealed a condition
Of flatulence in overdrive.
Freeman shares a classic 2/6
There once was a girl named Alice,
Who pissed in the Catholic chalice.
It wasn't for relief,
Or religious belief,
It was pure Presbyterian malice!
Sylvie's back, and she's ready for action 2/5
The cyber-slut thanks sweet sportsFan,
And of course she adores WriterMan!
She thinks, "Syl, don't be nervous;
These bards you must service;
And who the hell cares about Stan?"
These poets, with rhythm quite glorious
Crank out lim'ricks the most meritorious!
With pentameter terse
They make jism with verse,
And they make Sylvie feel fine and whore-ious!
But this party's become too ingrown!
Og and SportsFan their talents have shown;
New guys, show your stuff!
Put your face in my muff,
And try to make Sylvia groan!
grumpyFoz writes 2/5
There once was a fellow named Randy
Who thought that K-Y was just dandy!
With a wink and a snicker
He'd lube up his dicker
And slip it in anyone handy.
Ali-Chingale shares a classic non-limerick 2/5
There once was a young man named Rick,
Who was born with a corkscrew dick.
For the rest of his life he did hunt
For a girl with a corkscrew cunt.
And when he found her he dropped over dead;
The son of a bitch had a left-hand thread!!
Zeeto shares a classic 2/5
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room;
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom!
Stan writes 2/5
Sylvie's snatch is bizarre,
The strangest pussy by far!
It is six inches wide
And all furry inside,
With the smell of a overripe gar!
Toast Point wonders: Gar?
Freeman shares a classic 2/5
There once was a couple named Kelly,
Who were found stuck belly to belly,
Because in their haste
They had purchased the paste
Instead of petroleum jelly!
SportsFan writes 2/2
Sylvie's just begging for action -
It shows from her latest reaction.
Honey, it's time that you dare
Show us your sweet derriere
And take in an eager erection!
Sylvia writes 2/1
Poor flat Lynnie the lottery won,
So she pumped up her tits just for fun.
And now, two weeks post-op
She's enormous up top;
And at long last, her cups over-run!
Ogre writes 2/1
Sylvie, you're some kind of hot!
You speak of your fabulous twat!
Are you Charlotte's replacement?
Bring that twat to my basement -
And I'll give it all that I've got!
I like chicks who dig sex very much
It appears that our Sylvie is such
She'll get in between us
And bring off each penis
With her mouth and her twat and her touch!
Sylvie, come out of the cold -
We welcome you into our fold!
Seduce us and use us,
Tease us, abuse us -
You're ours now - to have and to hold!
The animals here in this zoo
Sylvie, are panting for you
You'll get so much action
You'll end up in traction
Without even O.J. to sue!