Lips Phallic Symbols

The Toast Point Limerick Contest!

Naughty Entries from November, 1996

from Poets Who Contribute to Moral Decay!


Brown Dog writes 11/30/96

Writerman's limericks are cool
They make me laugh like a fool
But those of Bill Ron
Just make me yawn
He should stick with yanking his tool!

The poet comments, "Let the war begin!"

Bill Ron opened our December contest with a reply.


Stargazer writes 11/29/96

Gold Star! Imagine the naughty exoticism
Of a car which can pump out a lot o' jism!
From Og's wit, so ample,
We got this example
Of limerick auto-eroticism!

Jeeves writes 11/27/96

Some verses on here are atrocious
To call them limericks at all is precocious.
Replacing good wit
With offensive bullshit
Would make Mother Theresa ferocious!

The poet comments, "Entries the past couple of days have been very good, but there was a drought for a while. I waver between thinking meter-less verses should be banned or mercilessly ridiculing the bastards."

Toast Point replies, "We reward the good here, and leave punishing the bad to our readers... We haven't had a good limerick flame war in a long time."


Bill Ron shares a classic 11/27/96

There once was a man from Boston
Who drove a little red Austin
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out, and he lost them!

Bill Ron writes 11/27/96

Gold Star! There once was a man from Dallas
Who wore on his dick a large callous.
He played with his tool
Like a grinning big fool,
And said "I beat, but do so without malice!"

Writerman writes 11/27/96

Gold Star! My auto - an older edition -
Started leaking without my permission.
It was always at night
And the fluid was white -
Diagnosis: nocturnal emission.

Trainman writes 11/26/96

Gold Star! Miss Manners is so prim and proper,
And her etiquette! No one could top her!
'Til she gave some advice
About blowjobs and ice,
Which proved a real show-stopper!

The poet comments, "My first limerick ever!"
Toast Point applauds the newbie.


Bill Ron writes 11/26/96

There once was a man from Tel Aviv
Whose dick was so long, it was up his sleeve!
Although he was a very friendly man
You must be careful when you shake his hand,
Or a big handful of semen you will receive!

There once was a man from Mynot
Who was nasty even as a tot -
He would wipe his runny nose
With the sleeves of his clothes
And cover them all over with snot!


Rhubarb shares classics from the Pentatette archives 11/25

by Billington

When visiting a farmer, Mae West
Lay down near a cow barn to rest.
When she brushed a cow's udder,
She would sleepily mutter,
"Just one at a time, boys, is best."

By Unknown

Helen Keller's pussy grew tight,
As she rubbed her clit late at night.
She tickled that gland
With just her left hand,
And silently moaned with her right.

By David Miller

There once was a girl named DeWitt,
Whose breast a thrown horseshoe had hit.
Said one of the gawkers,
"It lodged in her knockers -
A ringer got caught in her tit!"

"My best," said a flasher named Leach,
"Were Nixon's inaugural speech,
The Pope's coronation,
And Grand Central Station.
My worst had to be a nude beach."


M. F. Jones writes 11/24/96

Gold Star! Stud Henry be one of them mothers
Dig Thanksgiving more than the others--
Thanks da sisters a lot
For their tits and their twat--
And for sharing it all wit da brothers!

Ange shares a classic 11/24/96

There once was a man called Racine
Who invented a fucking machine-
Concave and convex,
It would fit either sex
With attractions for those in between!

Rhubarb shares a classic 11/24/96

There was a young lady of Kent -
The facts she did misrepresent.
She told lawyers from Yale
That her love was for sale,
But they proved it was only for rent!

Writerman writes 11/23/96

Gold Star! Exhibitionist Enos
Oft exhibits his extra-large penis.
Now I'll tell you a secret
If you promise to keep it -
He is ME - so please keep it between us!!!

Gee, if it's that big...

Thanksgiving is here, Lass and Lad -
Raise your glass in a toast and be glad
For the health and good cheer
You've had through the year -
And for all the fine fucking you've had!


Writerman writes 11/19/96

Gold Star! A singer (and swinger) was Joyce -
She sang opera-- as such was her choice.
She'd take men to bed
And, after giving them head,
Gargle semen to strengthen her voice!

Bill Ron writes 11/17/96

Gold Star! There once was girl from Magruder
Who had an affair with her tutor.
She told her dad
And he got very, very mad
When he found out the tutor had screwed her!

There once was a whore from Atlanta
Who dreamed of tricking with Santa.
She dreamed of the dick
That hung on St. Nick,
With garland and socks from the mantle!

There one was a man from Palm Beach West
Who decided to give his dick a test -
So he tied the append
To a truck's rear end
And it stretched all the way to Key West!


Writerman writes 11/17/96

Gold Star! The Discovery Award just may go
To fair Sandy from fair San Diego
She's discovered that sex is
Much more fun in a Lexus -
And today she discovered... she's prego!

An impeccable fellow named Becker
Had an impeccable pecker
Because everyone loved it
He cared not where he shoved it...
Now poor Becker sees a pecker-checker!!!


Writerman writes 11/16/96

Gold Star! When one wants to purchase a teddy,
Best be sure that your lover is ready.
Shown too much, too quickly
He or she may grow sickly
When age-ed, infirm, or unsteady!

It's twenty-five minutes past three
In the morning and silly old me,
Wakened rudely when she snored,
Sits in front of my keyboard -
Thinking: sex is never for free!

Toast Point breaths a sigh of relief. "Og, show these youngsters below how it's done!"


11/15 - new naughty Bradys!

SiNC writes 11/15/96

Said a nun to the Mother Superior
Are my breasts inferior?
I know that I like them
But would you try them?
Said Mother Superior, "Everyone come and try. The more the merrier."

Bill Ron writes 11/15/96

Ruba Dub Dub
There was this man sailing his sub
He was gay and friendly at every shore town
But got rather confused when asked
Do you in your sub ever go down?

Chris Medl writes 11/15/96

There once was a young man named Chris, and
For him drinking was a part of his plan.
He liked to drink beer
'Til his vision t'weren't clear
(Makes it harder to go take a piss, man!)

The poet comments, "I like to drink beer. "


Joe Schmoe writes 11/15/96

There was a young man named Mick
Who wanted a refined Lady to suck his dick
While seated next to her a bar
She unzipped his pants saying "I know who you are"
And placed her elegant lips on his prick.

Work on your meter, Joe.

Sir Johnny used to drive a big truck
With the ladies, he had all the luck
But when Cindy Lou
Became pregnant with two
He ran off shouting "Oh what the fuck."


Bill Ron writes 11/13/96

Gold Star! There once was a man from May Witts
Who grew a garden of tits!
They bloomed in the fall,
Pink nipples and all,
And he ran out and chewed them to bits!

and shares a classic...

There once was a man from Bel Aire
Who was screwing his wife on the stairs.
The banister broke
In the middle of a stroke
So, he finished her off in midair!

Billy Ron shares a classic 11/12/96

There once was a man from Grant's Pass
Whose balls were made of spun glass
They would rattle together
In stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass!

and writes...

There once was a dog from L. A.
That enjoyed each and every day
He would continually whine and beg
But if rejected, would pee on your leg!

Variations on the "stormy weather" limerick have appeared here many times. And, of course, the dead whore in a cave has been banned.


MrTon80 writes 11/10/96

There once was a man named Mirrass
Who used to jack off in a glass.
While giving himself head,
He stopped and he said,
"I guess my hand's in the past!"

Fireman shares a classic 11/07/96

There once was a lady from Knott
Who lived on green apples and snot.
When she ran out of these,
She scraped off the cheese
That grew on the back of her twat!

Toast Point barfs and considers banning this one, too.


Jeeves writes 11/07/96

Gold Star! There once was an ornithologist named Mary
Whose cunt was excessively hairy.
Amidst the bramblous thatch
That covered her snatch
Roosted three owls, a duck, and a canary!

Jim writes 11/06/96

Gold Star! To everyone, we must be attentive,
Yet same-sex marriage seems sans incentive,
But it is a new age,
So good luck to the Sage -
Hope Wumpus is not anal-retentive!

Oh, ha ha.


Johnyrandy shares a classic 11/06/96

Descartes sits down for some beers
Between two chaps who are queers.
As one grabs at his dink
He declares "I don't think"
And promptly Rene disappears!

The poet comments, "This is a modification to the great one submitted by Bluestreak."


Derlang writes 11/05/96

Gold Star! Said Oscar, while humping a chum,
"Although I am ready to come,
I've just thought of a line
That's incredibly fine ...
Do you mind if I write on your bum?"

Gold Star! Prince Albert and Queen You-know-who
Were doing what married folk do
Cried the Queen, her heart drumming,
"We're coming! We're coming!"
"Ah, splendid," said Albert, "Us, too!"


A Gasser writes 11/05/96

Gold Star! A queer bloke from outback Australia
Was obsessed with his own genitalia.
So he went walk-about
With it all hanging out
Nicely trimmed with a twig of azalea!

CB, Wicked Witch of the West writes 11/04/96

Willie Clinton, with latest poll rating
Found ego and weenie inflating;
He thought: "Paula be damned;
The election's in hand,
And I'm off for some second-term dating!"

Stargazer writes 11/02/96

Gold Star! 'Though bigots may raise up a rumpus,
We won't let their naysaying stump us:
So a Toast and three cheers
From your own little Lears
For the marriage of Toast Point and Wumpus!

Yay!


Jim writes 11/01/96

Same-sex marriages just don't do it,
For marriage is two as a unit.
When the wedding is done
Two can't become one
Unless the parts fit so's to screw it.

The poet comments, "Social commentary seems to be my thing the last couple of months. Must be the election year fever."

Having just become engaged to his Wumpus, Toast Point eyes the poet balefully.


Anon writes 11/01/96

Gold Star! Said a priest to the Mother Superior
"May I bless your labia inferior?
"I'll anoint them with chrism
(or is that word 'jizzum'?)
And absolve your most sacred posterior."

Writerman writes 11/01/96

Said Kemp to his running mate Dole
"Look where we are in this poll!"
With 3 days to go -
We're behind Ross Perot!
I feel like such an asshole!

ass-HOLE?