The Toast Point Limerick Contest!

Naughty Entries from October, 1996

from Poets Who Eschew Family Values!

Serious Player writes 10/29/96

They tell of a lass named Regina
Who eloped with a gal named Edwina.
Both were surprised
When at last they surmised
That neither gal had a vagina!

Dyrt writes 10/28/96

The cast of The Kids in the Hall
Like to fondle with each other's balls.
If you know what I'm saying,
Their fondling and playing,
Resulted in cum on the wall!

The poet comments, "This page rules!"

Gulliver shares a classic 10/26/96

An atomic technician named Lil
Took a chance on a nuclear pill...
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And her tits on a tree in Brazil!

There once was a man from New Haven.
For a good piece of ass he was cravin'.
So he plopped it in mud,
And gave it a thud,
And said "Just think of the money I'm savin'"!

Bobby writes 10/25/96

Pulling his wire while cooking,
Made him feel like a golfer who's hooking,
But surprise was his fate,
For while pulling, he ate,
And his whole family was behind him just looking!

A naughty young lass from Largo
Wondered how far that he'd go?
So she pulled down her pants,
And they were covered in ants,
And they ate most all of his cargo!

Gold Star! My gal is a wondrous lass,
She'll lick both my balls and my ass.
If I cum (and it's small)
She will swallow it all -
That girl has some kind of class!

Bobby, if you submit your limericks all in CAPITAL LETTERS again, you will be flogged.

Jeeves writes 10/24/96

Said Slick Willy to the former Miss Rodham
"There's two balls here and I am the one who's got 'em"
Said she "True, you dumb hick"
"Though you haven't a prick"
"And your balls are well trained 'cause I taught 'em"!

The poet comments, "This has potential, but the last line is a bitch. Any suggestions?"
Toast Point likes the original!

Xplosvman shares a classic 10/23/96

There once was a man named Kent
Whose dick was so long it was bent.
To stay out of trouble,
He stuck it in double
And instead of coming, he went!

No, Xplosvman, no dead whores!

Bobby writes 10/23/96

There was a young man name of Fern,
His ass hurt so much it would burn.
He stuffed it with cum,
And it did help it some,
But for a cock he really did yearn.

There was a old man they called Kevin,
Up his ass he could take at least seven!
His piles were bad,
And made him quite mad,
When sometimes they'd sneak in eleven.

Johnyrandy writes 10/22/96

I pray for an internet ban
On limericks that don't even scan,
But merely abuse
Dear Erato, our muse.
T'were best they were flushed down the can!

The poet comments, "Limericks that don't meet the test of meter or rhyme should be banned."

Toast Point agrees, but in fairness, posts them anyway. Once posted, other poets can ridicule the sender with their own perfectly-scanned limericks.

No, Madge, no Man from Nantucket!

Johnyrandy writes 10/20/96

Poor Morris, whose pals call him Dick
(A name that pure logic would pick)
Enjoyed making merry
Partaking of Sherry
At two hundred dollars a trick!

The poet comments, "Inspired by the Dick Morris (Clinton's ex political advisor) and Sherry Rowland scandal."

Gold Star! An elegant erudite Yankee
Kept a condom wrapped up in his hankie -
He boyscoutly declared,
"I'm always prepared
For sneezes or safe hanky-panky!"

Al Willis writes 10/20/96

A sex change removed both his stones.
It was on the advice of sawbones.
And now they must build
His breasts, and he's thrilled.
I hear what they use is whore moans!

Dolly Parton has two daffodils.
When she stands, and I sit, I get chills.
When she starts to sing,
I say, "Ring-a-ding-ding,
I will lift up mine eyes to the hills."

Bluestreak shares a classic...

There once was a man from Dundee
Who had fucked an ape up a tree!
The results were quite horrid,
All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee!

and writes 10/19/96

Descartes sat down for a beer
And a lady gave him a slight leer.
She offered a lick,
He replied "I don't think..."
And, promptly, Descartes disappeared!

The poet comments, "For all of you who majored in philosophy..."

"It's almost perfect!", the Sage remarks. "How about a rhyming third line, like:
Suggesting a kink or
She grabbed for his dink
Whaddya think?

Emilie Major - your limerick was placed in the Squeaky-Clean section.

Jeeves writes 10/18/96

They tell of a lass named Hunt
Who had a most odorous cunt
The smell 'tween her thighs
Attracted roaches and flies
And caused growth in children to stunt!

The poet comments, "Since you won't accept the "green meat" one anymore......"

Bobby writes doggerel 10/18/96

Some come here to sit and think,
And write upon the wall,
But, I come here to sit and think,
And scratch my itchy balls.

Al Willis shares a classic ...

A gay lost his boots in a game.
And everyone said, "It's a shame."
The faggot was bootless;
The boots were quite fruitless,
So he borrowed some shoes from a dame!

and writes 10/17/96

How he cried when he lost the election.
In the ranks, there was lots of defection.
But this wasn't bad,
Or explicitly sad,
As the day that he lost an erection.

The poet comments, "Pentatette publishes good limericks, if you are a member. Box 365, Moffett, CA 94035. $20 a year. This is a group from Mensa, but anyone can join."

The Balaclava Beauty writes 10/15/96

Reg, she is a Wiccan;
In bed, she is a'dickin'.
And, though some might think it kinky
To use a feather on a winkie,
Reg uses the whole chicken!

The Sage comments, "It's great, except for the scansion.".

Boy Pilot writes 10/15/96

A strapping young man from Connecticut
Got a lesson in sexual etiquette:
It's not titillating
While you are X-rating
To be nipping away at a pedicut.

Said a nun to the Mother Superior
"You have such a nice placid exterior,
"But right now," she said,
"We should head for the bed,
And explore your more fiery interior."

The Web just has boundless erotica!
Lots of trash, but also exotica.
So I'd much rather surf
Than just roll on the turf.
It's so different it gives you habotica.

When one wants to purchase a teddy
One really must get oneself ready.
A fluff of the hair
Up here and down there,
And perhaps a quick fling with my Freddie.

I once had an outfit of leather
Which couldn't survive rainy weather.
The pants when they shrank
Gave my jewelry a crank,
My soprano scream rose from the heather.

Gold Star! They tell of a lass named Regina
Who danced a real mean macarena.
As she stripped off her clothes,
Her best points to disclose,
Said, "I'd rather a dance that's obcena' ".

Gold Star! Irrepressable Vidal Sassoon,
On a fantasy trip to the moon,
Tried to titillate Venus
By disguising his penis
As an elegant, golden bassoon.

Toast Point, an amateur bassoonist, titters.

Al Willis writes 10/15/96

I'm not married; I still live alone.
And I have, since I broke up with Joan.
"But what about sex?
Do you have any prospects?"
"It's not great, but I'm holding my own."

The poet comments, "Do all you guys know about Pentatette?"
Toast Point and the Sage both shake their heads.

Bobby writes 10/13/96

A little old lady from Greece,
Had a very horny young niece -
She was always in bed,
Cause she like to give head,
To the mayor and the Chief of Police.

A young man with a fine set of balls
Was scratching them in a barn stall.
The animals there
All stopped and they stared
At the pitchfork that on he did fall.

Jeeves writes 10/12/96

There once lived a fine lass named June
Who was buggered by a singing baboon.
Said she: "Twas both good and bad"
"Nay, the best sex I've had,
"But the dumb ape couldn't carry a tune"!

Jeeves writes 10/11/96

There once was a poet named Jeeves
Whose "rank meat" gave Toast Point the heaves
Said Toast "I will not publish"
"This disgusting rubbish"
Thus the poet sits and grieves!

The poet comments, "Sorry if I got carried away!"
Toast Point grins, "I've just seen it too many times, and it's so hard cleaning the keyboard when you barf on it."

Tim writes 10/11/96

I've heard a new drug has been born
Makes you orgasm each time that you yawn.
Now each boring speech
By a political leech
Is better than triple-X porn!

The poet comments, "They'll do anything to get people to watch those political debates!"

Oolong shares a classic 10/11/96

There was a young lady named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
And a passle of assle in Dallas.

The poet comments, "I saw a couple of postings of "Alice . . .", but I thought I'd post my favorite variation. The repetition of the "allas" followed by the reversal to two "assle"s before the final rhyme is just ducky ennit."

Apologies to East Coast Bill, but the Man from Nantucket has been banned from the contest due to oversubmission.

Bobby writes 10/11/96

Oh Sharet Oh Haret the girl we adore,
The cowpuncher's favorite, the cowpuncher's whore,
She's dirty, she's vulgar, she spits on the street,
And every time you meet her, she's always in heat.

Oolong writes...

Said a diver, "Cousteau, you're a clown,
To say we should only go down."
"With the mask off my face,
It's too much of a race,
To get the lass off and not drown."

The poet comments, "In response to Rowdy Jack's Cousteau verse."

and shares a classic 10/10/96

A pansy who lived in Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

The poet comments, "My favorite version of Dr. Root's classic of 9/12."

Oolong? Earl Grey? Where's Constant Comment?

EarlGrey shares classics...

There once was a man from Peru
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamt that men from Venus
had cut off his penis
And woke up with a handful of goo!

There once was a man from Molass
His balls were made of brass
In stormy weather
They'd cling together
As lightning shot out of his ass!

and writes 10/10/96

There once was a man from Greece
Who had lots of sex with his niece
When asked, he would say
"There's no way, I'm gay!"
Then he'd go home and stroke on his piece.

Ahab writes 10/10/96

A charming young man from Lemans
Had the world's biggest purplest glans.
It was shocking to know
That he'd poke any hole,
Then lick the remains from his hands!

The poet comments, "SICK, SICK, SICK"

Bobby writes 10/10/96

There once was a man called Bela,
Who would play with his dick for the feela,
His girlfriend got mad,
Cut his dick off, that's sad,
And now the poor fellow is called Sheila!

The government is always right,
For their people, they'll stand up and fight,
If you believe this,
Then you must be quite pissed,
For they'd fuck you, and then say you're tight!

Bill Doern writes 10/09/96

There was a young lad at the lake
Too obviously out on the make.
He would've done better
If he'd hustled by letter -
No lassie would give him a shake.

Dublew Ardee writes 10/09/96

There was a young lass at the lake
With a tummy as thin as a snake.
T'was the junction between
A bosom supreme
And a tush that would just take the cake.

Jeeves shares a classic 10/09/96

There once was an old whore named Moores
Whose cunt was infested with sores.
The dogs in the street
Used to feed on the rank meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers!

See Toast Point's note below with Bobby's variation.

Bobby writes 10/09/96

When a girl wants to purchase a teddy,
She first needs to find one that's ready -
If it's still in the store,
Then her twat will be sore
'Cause the poor thing was ready for teddy!

There was a man called Delzanic,
Whose girlfriend would suddenly panic -
We don't really know why,
He was such a nice guy,
He'd been down on everything but the Titanic!

Gold Star! Old Willy was kind of well-built,
You could tell by the tilt in his kilt -
It had a nice bulge,
As you probably could judge,
It was ten inches long to the hilt!

I once had an outfit of leather,
But I thought that suede was much better,
So I bought me a jacket,
But I couldn't hack it,
Because it tickled my tits like a feather!

Said a nun to the Mother Superior,
I'd like to get it in the interior,
But my pussy's real sore,
For I once was a whore -
So I better get it up the exterior!

They tell of a lass named Regina,
Who said everything's fine in Carolina,
But when I got there,
She was covered in hair,
Except for her smelly vagina.

Poor Oprah was arrested at the airport,
They found dope piled high in a stack,
When they lifted her dress,
It was a terrible mess,
Because they found forty pounds of crack!

Airport/stack?

There was a woman from Kartoom,
That fucked herself with a broom.
Now when she farts,
Her legs fly apart,
And she shits all over the room!

The dirt on this web is atrocious,
I think I'll have to for goes yus,
I tried once before,
But you son of a whore,
I like it too much, that you know yus.

Completely baffled.

Bobby shares classics, too, 10/09/96

There once was a woman from Kilgarden,
Who blew her boyfriend in the garden,
He said with deduce,
Did you swallow the juice?
So she said "(Gulp) I beg your pardon!"

There once was a girl called Doris,
Whose cunt was all full of sores.
The dogs in the street
Wouldn't eat the green meat
That hung like gobs from her clitoris.

This one, and its variation above, are so revolting that Toast Point is going to ban it from the contest from this point on. Various incarnations have appeared several times on these pages, and each one makes him gag.

While pulling my pork it turned red,
I thought I had died and was dead,
I was ready to cum,
But I felt so darn dum,
Because I pissed on myself instead.

Jeeves writes 10/08/96

There was a horny young lad named Rob
Whose cock did constantly throb
He convinced a young lass
With an exquisite ass
To give him a five-star hand job!

Anonymous writes 10/06/96

They tell of a lass named Regina
Who put objects in her vagina-
She kept packing her hole
And when it became full,
BOOM! Her asshole had landed in China!

Lazy Geezer writes...

Little old Johnny Wong
Had an arm incredibly strong
He jacked off all day
And that is, so they say
Why his dick was two feet long!

Gold Star! The woman who came from Belize
Had pubic hair down to her knees
The crabs in her twat
Tied it in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeze!

They tell of a lass named Regina
Who fucked half of North Carolina -
She became very rich
But developed an itch
And sores all over her vagina!

and shares classics 10/06/96

The hookers in Waterloo
Would fill their vaginas with glue
They said with a grin
If they pay to get in
They'll pay to get out of it, too!

The lady from Katmandu
Preferred a stiff drink over a screw.
One led to the other
And now she's a mother -
Let this be a lesson to you!

Rhubarb shares a classic 10/06/96

From the train, a young soldier named Jack
Said goodbye, as he leaned out to smack
The lips of his chick,
But the train was too quick,
And he kissed a cow's ass down the track!

The submitter comments, "From off the internet."

Niallitius offers TURBITT'S RULE ON TRIG 10/05/96

If the angle of the dangle
is equal to the heat of the meat
then
the throb of the nob is constant.

Rhubarb, for Norm Storer, shares a classic 10/05/96

A jaded young jerk from Jerusalem
Had a stunt that would always bambusalem:
He would point with his pecca
Directly toward Mecca,
And pretend he was really a Musalem.

Rhubarb comments, "Classics should also be eligible for a GOLD STAR too!"

Toast Point responds, "Classics, such as The Man From Nantucket, are already gold-star material - that's why they're classics! In this contest, gold stars are reserved for original entries. If you're submitting an original entry for someone else (for instance, did Mr. Storer write that limerick?), list the other person as the author, check the "Did you write it yourself" box, and make a note in the comments section that you're the author's proxy. Then the limerick will be eligible for competition."

Serious Player writes 10/02/96

There once was a nude girl named Minah
Conceived, born and raised in China
When she smiled, you would find
She had four of a kind
Two each on her face and vagina!

JJ shares classics...

There once was a man from Tanzini
Who spilled Gin all over his weenie
Not being uncouth
he added vermouth
And slipped his date a martini

There was a faggot from San Fransisco
Who passed out in an all-gay disco
He awoke on the floor,
And he felt pretty sore,
'Cause his ass was all covered in Crisco!

and writes 10/02/96

There once was a man named Beener
Who fucked the daughter of the dry cleaner
He nut in her eye
Then said his goodbye
And that was the last time he'd seen her

He nut in her eye?

Gold Star! There once was a man named Chico
Who thought he was all suave and rico
But all the girls say
To his ego's dismay
His taquito is muy poquito!

The poet comments, "For all you non Spanish speaking people, muy poquito means 'very small.'"

JJ, your other classic falls under the "dead whore in a cave" rule and was not posted.

Jim writes 10/02/96

The chauvinist said, "don't you see,
Women's lib is pure fantasy.
There'll be equal sexes
When men wear kotexes,
And women stand up when they pee!"

The poet comments, "If women and men are the same except for the plumbing, then why do women maintain that men don't understand them?"

Jeeves writes 10/01/96

There once lived an angler named Ed
Whose cock was constructed of lead
Too short for a pole
Or to fill a cunt hole
It served as a sinker instead!

Read the Naughty Limericks from last month or next month!
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