The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Squeaky-Clean Entries from December 1995
Ed Bronstein writes 12/28
A Cybergeezer entrant named Nick
Was arrested for his limerick
He was charged with the crime
Of an imperfect rhyme
"Almost rhymes," cried Nick. "What the heck!"
Larry Dahl writes 12/28
Newt has a plan with potential.
He hopes to prove Bill non-essential.
For if Clinton must go
On a federal furlough,
Then Newt can appear presidential.
There once was a fine music teacher
With one undistinguishing feature.
Whether young or quite old
All her students were told
They were good, and not one disbelieved her.
Appel Fletcher writes 12/28
There once was a man named Jack
Who never in rhymes would lack
His family went crazy
When he shared a new daisy:
This proved a most serious knack.
The morning sure comes so fast.
The night never seems to last.
I want to sleep more!
To cozy and snore.
Alarm is so loud, a blast!
There once was a young lady named Lizzy.
So pretty she'd make the boys dizzy.
An achiever in school.
This gal is no fool.
But sure gets her mom in a tizzy.
There once was a man named JC.
Whose love got him nailed to a tree!
'Cause the world was in fear,
They laughed and they cheered,
As they killed the young man named JC!!
Jim writes 12/18
There once was a poet named Jim,
Whose boss took exception with him.
"Can you refrain from whim verse
That makes LADIES CURSE ?"
Said Jim, "that's a grim gem of an oxymorism."
The holiday season is here.
Time to have family be near.
So come as you can
By car, truck, or van
And be home with me soon, won't you dear?
Jim writes 12/14
"Stop yelling ! They're just only youngsters !"
Complained I, `but they'll grow-up to be punksters.`
With graffiti un-banned
And spray paint at hand,
`See dear, your car now looks funk'er.`
Lied he, "America, the budget I'll axe."
"Only evil rich folks will I ever tax."
Said US, "Honky-Tonk no more !
Your tune's spent, you bore!
Slick Willie, blow it out yer sax !"
VENUS writes 12/13
There once was a student named Nell
Who had a most terrible smell!
We gave her some soap
But it just was no hope
So we shoved her into an old well!
Conan the Librarian writes a limerick about Lewis and Clark 12/13
The President sent them out West;
As explorers they seemed far the best.
But they hadn't a notion
How far was the ocean.
They were just as befogged as the rest.
Scoooby-doobie-do
Sinatra's eighty-two.
Grandpa is eighty
And so's Grandma Katy
And Sinatra's eighty too!
A nasty man, old Ebenezer
Was mean to his wife, the old geezer.
She said, without bitchin',
"Come out to the kitchen -
You'll find the old boy in the freezer!"
A man of the Jewish persuasion
Hated cabs - took the bus on occasion.
Sounds funny, I guess
But the old I.R.S.
Got him for "taxi" evasion!
Clinton Jones writes 12/11
Our little neighbor next door
An inquisitive kid to the core
He always asks why?
I give it a try
But I end up with questions galore!
T'was the night before Christmas in Cheers
In walks Santa and all those Reindeers
Did they drink? Have no doubt!
Till the old man passed out--
And Norm picked up the tab for the beers!
A musician fleeing from Cuba
To start a new life in Aruba
Packed most of it all--
But the bag was so small--
He couldn't quite fit in his tuba!
Is snow really white after falling?
Sight of yellow is surely appalling!
We shovel and sweep it
Try our best to heap it
But the color is changed. Just galling!
Away with this holiday spirit!
Merry Christmas? -- I don't want to hear it!
You buy gifts till you're broke
What you get back's a joke
I don't so much hate it as fear it!
Although liquor was Ogden's delight,
Ev'ry night he'd get high as a kite!
"One night I abstain."
He said with disdain,
"New Years Eve is Amateur Night!"
He works hard for his money, he earns it!
Buys a gift for his wife-- but she spurns it!
It'll be the wrong size
Or it won't match her eyes
And I'll bet you a buck she returns it!
To whomever you happen to be:
No Christmas card this year from me!
I choose not to send 'em
That's my new addendum!
Scratch my name off your list? Please feel free!
Cato J. Simpson writes 12/8
A young engineer from Capri
Thought thermodynamics pure glee
From Maxwell to Joule
Their works, as a rule
Moved him perpetually.
There once was a fellow named Nick
Who the good stuff from garbage would pick.
The cans he would mash
And turn in for cash
And the jam jars he'd thoroughly lick.
Larry Dahl writes 12/7
Denise has a problem with men.
She never knows which one or when
She ought to pursue
So she puts herself through
A crisis again and again.
I think that I think that I am,
Thought a Pentium processor, Sam.
If you take me apart
You will find no Descartes
Because cogito ergo, I'm Sam.
My computer can probably render
A universe lacking in gender.
The point of creation
In this simulation
Is something I fail to remember.
With a trusty workstation I'd render
An alternative world without gender
Though I fear that I might
Simulate in the night
A world which is even less tender.
My computer thinks I cannot see
That he thinks he is smarter than me.
If I trip on the rug,
It might pull out his plug.
And accidents happen to me.
Pete Wilson writes 12/7
There once was a Gov named J. Brown;
To some, he was only a clown.
As Gov, it would seem
They called him Moonbeam
And now he's the talk of the town.
There once was an ego immense.
I'm sure he's a member of Mense.
But his style is poor.
In fact, he's a bore.
If I told him, he'd sure take offense.
Sara writes 12/6
There once was a young boy named Zack
Who had something stuck in his back
It wouldn't come out
He wanted to shout
And launch a counterattack.
Larry Dahl writes 12/5
My mother believed me exchanged
At the hospital rather than changed.
She said that the others,
My sister and brothers,
Were never so nearly deranged.
My brother's a natural detective
For by nature he's somewhat protective.
And he's never been blind
To the criminal mind,
Except when he has an objective.
I'm probably wasting my time
Perfecting a limerick's rhyme.
It's better to give them
Immaculate rhythm
For then they can reach the sublime.
Conan the Librarian shares a classic 12/4
An epicure dining at Crewe
Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting some too!"
Larry Dahl writes 12/3
If you study the silver haired Newt,
You will find he thinks orphans are cute.
He's especially bold
When attacking the old
For he's blind, deaf, and dumb, but not mute.
Sharon Stone is so icily stunning,
Not to mention deceptive and cunning.
A woman like she
Could make any man flee
But he'd surely look back while he's running.
Stephen Hawking can prove with a plot
Whether we will or will not
Expand without limit
Or end in an intimate
Space which is all in one spot.
Our greatest American actor
Is De Niro and clearly a factor
Behind this impression
Is his deep obsession
With being a pure malefactor.
A computer could give me the power
To graphically morph Hoover Tower
So from all points of sight
It leans left and not right
So beneath it Republicans cower.
The candidate Patrick Buchanan
Is armed with the biblical canon.
He preaches hellfire
So draws a crossfire.
Even God cannot help Pat Buchanan.
Though our forces salute General Powell,
There's no candidate he'll disembowel.
For he'd only run
If he'd already won
And the others had thrown in the towel.
Roma writes 12/3
While trimming the tree with the tinsel
Adjusting the lights was essential
So I took hold of the wire
And started a fire
And that was the end of the tinsel.
Spencer writes 12/2
A backcatcher who hailed from Peru,
Told me one day what he'd do.
When they'd come up to bat,
He'd say "Yo' mama's so fat,
Her blood type is known as Ragu!"
Ogden Nield writes 12/2
Beelzebub, horned and fiery
Among other things was a liar. He
Would wish someone well -
Then he'd make his life hell -
And write it all down in his diary!
Mrs. Gingrich's baby was cute
"I know," she said, "let's call him Newt!"
Back then, just a leaker -
Today he's "The Speaker"
Must he always wear that same suit?
Larry Dahl pontificates on politicians and computers 12/1
On my high resolution display
My computer turns work into play.
I catch politicians
In awkward positions,
And morph their excuses away.
My computer will morph Robert Dole
So his features resemble his soul.
But wait! That's no fun.
It's already been done.
No wonder he can't win a poll!
I think I can give Ross Perot
Image help with his upcoming show.
Though he's got lots of money,
He still looks too funny.
Those ears really do have to go.
With the help of an honest workstation
I'd select all the heads of our nation.
Those who win and who lose
I would randomly choose,
To dispense with all false explanation.
Computers were clearly elated
When a PC courageously stated
That men have no place
In the silicon race
And that rocks are more closely related.
When I start my own silly Web site
My computer will burst with delight.
I'll compress in his files
Incipient smiles
And satirical bits with more bite.
Read the
Squeaky-Clean Limericks from November or
January!
Back to the Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Back to the Toast Point Page!