The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries for October 1995
from Poets Who Do Not Embrace Family Values!
The Winners!
Tony Davie (ad@dcs.st-and.ac.uk) writes 10/31
A nubile young Nubian nun
Raised up her black habit for fun
But though she was bare
Under, no-one knew where
Nude nun ended and habit begun.
The G-Man writes 10/26
Said Siegfried to Roy at the zoo,
"Be careful in all that you do,
Keep those lions at bay,
Or it will, I must say,
Be the first time a pussy ate you!"
Phred writes 10/24
A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
A Wyoming rancher would creep
Out at night to inseminate sheep.
He had to feel fleece
Before he could release.
Now his wife wears wool panties to sleep.
Anonymous writes 10/24
I once met a boy from Toledo
Who in his pants had a giant torpedo
At first I said "ow"
Then after that "WOW!"
I'm in love with that man from Toledo!
The Sage suggests another rhyme - perhaps "libido"?
Fred writes 10/19
A handsome young devil named Fred
Could talk any girl into bed.
But his dick was so long,
And incredibly strong,
That most were left crippled or dead!
A really messed up person writes 10/16
There once was a horny young man
Who'd masturbate into a can
He said with a sigh
"Now I know why
There's hair on the palm of my hand!"
Jamerson Strackokiovic writes 10/15
There once was a fag named Tim Young,
Who liked big sweaty dicks in his bung.
He blew rednecks and hicks,
From midnight to six,
And licked all their jizz with his tongue.
A poet who might be Martin Wellborn writes 10/2
An idolater coveting cunts
One Sabbath cursed God with rude grunts -
Humped his mom, stole a knife,
Blaming dad, took her life -
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.
Dishonorable Mention
Joe Kane writes 10/31
There was a man named Menduza
Who had the nose of a boozer
When he sneezed
his pants fell to his knees
And out popped his kazooza!
hider@aol.com writes 10/30
Large women, often desperate, yell "Glean us!"
"If you've anything resembling a penis!"
Alas, some men come
With broom, bottle, or thumb
So these females aren't always the cleanest.
Dande shares classics 10/28 and 29
A prety young maiden named Sue
Exclaimed ans the bishop withdrew
"But the Vicar is slicker
and quicker and thicker
And four inches longer than you!"
What wiley old Sappho of Greece
Prefered so much more to a piece
Was to have her pudenda
Rubbed hard by the end a'
The little pink nose of her niece.
Rhubarb (affiliated with Ken Smith and his
limerick
page)
shares a classic 10/27
As the elevator left the floor
Sue Ann caught her teats in the door.
She yelled a great deal,
But had they been real,
She'd have yelled considerably more.
The G-Man shares a classic...
A handicapped girl named Denise's
Left arm came apart in two pieces.
To give sex a twist,
She'd snap at the wrist,
And masturbate with her prosthesis.
And writes 10/26
There once was a young Delta Zeta,
Who was a fierce masturbatah,
She'd bang on her hole,
With a telephone pole,
Instead of a normal vibratah.
An Arabian Prince named Abdul,
Was blessed with a marvellous jewel.
'Til a girl named Loreena,
Climbed up the Verbena,
And severed his sixteen-inch tool.
The G-man shares a really gross classic 10/25
There once was a woman named Dot
Who lived on pig shit and snot.
When she couldn't get these,
She'd eat the green cheese
That she scraped from the lips of her twat.
Matt King writes 10/25
Isn't it great the tweeter has a hole?
Without it, the snake'd be blind as a mole.
It'd blunder and bumble,
And when time came to rumble,
It'd never-ever score in the goal.
Phred/Fred writes 10/25
A homophobe living in Lutz
Thought that fags were all certified nuts
In the queer catechism
They drink all their jism
Or pound it up butts with their putz.
A passionate maiden from China
Would gently caress her vagina.
She fondly would linger
On each little finger
As though nothing in China was finah.
Phred writes 10/24
Old Wally was glad he got laid
By that sweet little Idaho maid,
But a social disease
And a bad case of fleas
Left Wally's poor wife all dismayed.
Grand Seigneur shares a classic 10/21
On the breast of the maid of a pub in Glendale
Is tattooed the price of pale ale,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Is the same information in Braille.
Paris writes 10/20
Sir Charles, a pompous old Briton
Worked quietly in Lytton
When one day he did strike
A quite ugly dyke
Since then he's been quite smitten!
Victoria... writes 10/20
My new girlfriend came on CD-ROM
She is pretty and her name is Dawn.
I know I can't touch her,
or kiss her or fuck her.
I'm the submissive and she's the Dom.
Conan the Librarian shares a classic 10/17
There once was a fellow named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
You get used to the smell,
And think of the money you save."
Govindhan Padmavijayam writes, and the Sage leaves unedited
10/17
After downing quite a few beers, one day
A man went to the house of ill-repute for a lay
"Madam", he said, I'm Saddam,
And well versed in the art of Sodom
"Good" said the Madam, "but we only hire men in May"
Stuart Marzipan writes 10/16
The video "Horse-Hung Hispanics"
Cause me and my lover to panic
We've both taken dillies
Of overstuffed willies
But these dongs could sink the Titanic!
Frank O'Phylle writes 10/16
French towel boys horny and hung
Have reason for praise to be sung
While Gerard's strong fingers
Work on your humdinger
Phillipe goes behind with his tongue!
Jamerson Strackokiovic writes 10/15
Performing his thirty-third briss
The rabbi ate what he snipped.
He downed it with Cheddar,
Then said it tasted better,
Than umbilical cords smothered with Swiss.
Note from Toast Point - Ewwwwwwww!
and also...
While dancing and licking the pole
The nurse shoved her hand in her hole.
Doc said, "There's nothing you'll be curin'"
By licking the urine,
And by the looks of things your hands are quite full.
Anonymous shares classics 10/15
There once was a pretty young whore -
She'd lie like a rug on the floor
In a manner uncanny
She'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core!
It was only a matter of time...
There once was a guy from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He exclaimed with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a pussy, I'd f*ck it
There once was a lady from France
Who took a long train ride by chance
The engineer f*cked her
Before the conductor
While the fireman came in his pants
FMB shares a classic 10/14
There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine
It would fit either sex
Concave or convex
With a cup underneath for the cream
Stebalo - part-time physcist, full time poet -
shares a really disgusting classic 10/13
A girl had a problem quite pressing
Boils on her ass, how depressing
As I ate her, they burst
And the thought I had first
Was Kraft's chunky blue cheese salad dressing!
Govindhan Padmavijayam writes 10/13
Three farmers named Tom, Dick and Harry
All wanted the same girl to marry
She held trials at the farm
And decided on Tom
Because Tom had a dick very hairy!
and shares a classic, too:
A Lady Engineer named Ms. Holt
Had a foreman as spry as a colt
When she asked for a screw
What else did he do,
But offer two nuts and a bolt!
Sorry for the editing, but the sage couldn't keep his hands off
of it...
paw-paw j writes 10/12
While jumping the next lady in line
My rod was feeling just fine.
But in the next minute
I stumbled and bent it,
And the last became first for a time.
Fauna writes 10/10
There once was a man from Mars
Whose lady was fond of cigars
Then this woman from Venus
Set sight on his penis
And smoked 'til he sang with God's choirs.
Rick Agnello shares a classic 10/10
Don't go to bed with a WAC,
And don't ride the breast of a WAVE.
Just sit in the sand
And do it by hand
And BUY BONDS with the money you save.
Mandoman submits a classic 10/7
There once was a bishop from Clyde
Who fell in the outhouse and died
His brother, the vicar
Did so, but quicker
And now they're in turd side by side!
Todd Good writes (with editing) 10/6
There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who carried her tits in a bucket
Whenever they fell
She said "What the hell,
I'll drag em around, OK, fuck it.
Alice DuBois submits a classic 10/7
Nymphomanical Jill
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil
Also see September's Brazil
variation.
10/7: Note to GRIZZ - check out
previous variations
of your submitted limerick.
msopher@stevens-tech.edu writes 10/6
There once was a chic who wore glasses
Who wondered why all guys made passes
For she could not see
Just between you and me
That her cum dripped down like molasses!
David A. Frye shares a classic 10/5
There once was a girl from Dundee
Who was raped by an ape in a tree
The result was quite horrid,
All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee!
R. J. M. writes 10/1
There once was a girl named Lenore
Whose occupation was that of a whore.
Till Hung Hugo stretched her
From here to Manchester
Now Lenore ain't a whore any more...
and
There once was a man made of plastic
Whose wife was both tranquil and spastic.
"If this manic-depressive
Wasn't sexually repressive
I could turn myself into elastic."
and shares a classic
There once was a man from Peru
Who slept in an old brown canoe.
While dreaming of Venus
He fondled his penis
And woke with a hand full of goo.
Read the Naughty Limericks from September
or November!
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