The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from November 1995
from Poets Who Should Be Spanked!
The Winners So Far!
Barrie Collins writes 11/30
A Southern Alberta Rotarian
Was possessed of a long and a hairy 'un.
It was always erect
And is why, we suspect,
He was known as "Bone-on the Calgarian".
Barrie Collins writes 11/29
When she felt his hands touching her knees,
The girl, to her lover, said, "Please,
When you've finished down there,
Would you kindly take care
First of this, next of that, then of these?"
"Though I'm pretty broadminded," lisped Roy,
As he sat at the bar and looked coy,
Thothe women who think
They can thway me with dwink
Thoon thee I'm not that thort of boy!"
Anonymous writes 11/28
I heard that she would never say no
To oral sex. Just 10 bucks for a blow.
But when down on her knees
I said "Oh baby please
Please move up, you're too low, that's my toe!"
Ogden Nield writes 11/27
A buxom young thing, our Nurse Nancy -
Her male patients often she'd fancy
She'd join 'em in bed
Give the world's greatest head
Each visit was thrilling - if chancy!
CTD via Tony Davie (ad@dcs.st-and.ac.uk) submits 11/23
Some say Chinese women are blessed
With pudenda which lie East and West -
But enquiries have found
That the theory's unsound -
They point Northwards, the same as the rest.
Ogden Nield (writerman@igc.net) writes 11/22
Lady Di said, "This is absurd!
I'll show Charles just who has the last word!"
So to shake up the Brits,
She uncovered her tits
And flipped the Queen Mother the bird!
While dining on Thanksgiving turkey
A woman began acting quirky
Without saying a word
She made love to the bird -
Well,.. the rest of the story gets murky.
Martin A. Thompson submits a HUGE one 11/22
King Henry's new wife he did hate her,
For she farted and pissed when he ate her,
Sex with her did he dread,
So he chopped off her head,
But he saved the remainder...for later!
He used her most often at night,
She was harder to see without light,
Never once did she moan,
When he drove himself home,
But never once did she put up a fight!
From then on she was faithful and true,
Though her flesh turned purple and blue,
For a while she was hot,
When she'd started to rot,
Then she bloated and ripped right in two!
He relied on her for his releases,
Decomposition formed natural greases,
Then with undying love... a push and a shove,
Undying passion... not subject to fashion,
Frantic emotion... and ferverous motion,
He literally loved her to pieces!
She looked like she'd been through a meat-grinder,
But depending on how he aligned her,
She could take what he had,
Without oozing too bad,
It worked best with a pillow behind her!
She lasted nigh onto a year,
And you may think his habits quite queer,
But could you justify waste,
On pretense of good taste,
With the body you yearned for s o n e a r !
For a while he thought he might freeze her,
"Make it last!" thought the horny ol' geezer,
But he noted with awe,
She took ten days to thaw,
To the point where a fellow could seize her!
King Henry became an old man,
He relied more and more on his hand,
But he never forgot her,
His lovable rotter,
The ripest in all o' the land!!!
Note from the Sage - Mr. Thompson wrote this disgusting thing
in 1981
for a contest at a graduate pub at Carleton
University in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.
Tony Davie submits one for his late father 11/22
The surrogate Bishop of Ayr
Was reduced to a state of despair
By the fact that his dreams
Contradicted the themes
Of his eloquent leadings in prayer.
Barrie Collins writes 11/21
A young lady from old Amarillo
Mused, as she lay on her pillow,
If, and when, I give in,
Would it be a great sin
If it's only a small peccadillo?
Ogden Nield writes 11/17
A curious thing, the vagina...
Said the doctor of cology (gyne)
It has lips that don't talk
And goes "squish" when you walk
But I've never seen anything fina!
The bulldyke once said to the femme
I'll bet that your pussy's a gem
Your nips are like berries
Your lips are like cherries
And your cum is the creme de la creme!
Baker of Houston writes 11/12
There once was a nymph, name of Rodham
Who, with Bill, was traveling to Soddam.
Bill paused on the way
For a bit of foreplay,
But neglected Ms. Rodham's fine bottom.
Charley Mac writes 11/12
There was a young girl named Marie
Who fancied the men of the sea,
So she dressed as a sailor
And bordered a whaler,
And now she gets harpooned for free!
John Futhey writes 11/11
A hustler rustled her bustle
With her glutious maximus muscle
And although quite quiet
Incited a riot-
ous clamorous amorous tussle.
To the doctor's office he went.
"Castrate me", said the young gent.
The Doc said "I'm through,
Circumcise too?"
"Damn!, that's the word that I meant".
Anonymous writes 11/7
Performing his thirty-third bris,
The moyl gave the shmeckel a "kiss."
With chin-whiskers bloody,
He said to his buddy,
"I'm glad that the kid didn't piss."
A poet who might be Martin Wellborn writes 11/2
"Miss Jones," Clinton said, with affection,
"Oh please, won't you lick my erection . . ."
But Paula, so silly,
Misunderstood Willy
And thought he said: "Wreck my election."
Phred writes 11/2
That despicable Molly McGrue
Taught young innocent boys how to screw.
She gave them directions
And praised their erections
Before any pubic hair grew.
Dishonorable Mention
Ogden Nield (writerman@igc.net) writes 11/30
Clark Gable once said Sophie Tucker
Resisted when he tried to fuck her
And so when instead
She gave Gable head
He said the line, "so long.... sucker!"
Jim-Ski Rock Ho writes 11/30
I found a dead nun in a sewer
I knew then and there that I'd do her
I started to stab it
I came on her habit
And filled her cunt hole with manure
Note from the Sage - Mr. Ho is doing much the same with the contests.
Maggie Sargent writes
There once was a girl named Rose,
Whose pubic hair was scratchy she knows,
But she didn't tell Jay,
So he was eating her out one day,
When a crab jumped and bit him in the nose!
Rancid Rick writes 11/29
An blowjob, very skilled, known as Sue -
She loved cock and gobbling goo,
She would guzzle your load
Til your nuts would implode.
And leave you with nothin' to spew.
Barrie Collins writes 11/28
On the G-string of my Stradivarius
I'm often inspired to play various
Airs and concerti
With themes that are dirty,
Disgusting, and downright nefarious.
There was a young girl from St. Justin
Bought a new bra to uplift her bust in.
But her breasts sagged all day
And she, sad to say,
Lost her trust in the cups they were trussed in.
Anonymous writes 11/28
My girlfriend said once you've gone black
To white you'll never go back.
The dongs are so long
You will never go wrong
In getting the best in the sack!
Ogden Nield writes 11/27
Fernando, a seller of cheese
Was at best a purveyor of sleaze
It came from his toes
So offended the nose
That it brought a grown man to his knees.
Anonymous writes 11/24
There once was a young lad from Gaul,
Whose dick was exceedingly small.
Said the female reportage
of his noted shortage:
"The rise is as same as the fall!"
M D McFarland writes 11/24
There once was a man from Hong Kong
Who liked to show women his dong
But along came Miss Bobbitt
Who just wouldn't have it
And now his poor dong is long gone.
Understanding her father was not
When I told him his daughter was hot
He forbade me to see her
So I'll just have to steal her
Oh Lord, I pray I'm not caught!
Govindhan Padmavijayam writes 11/20
Do you have the cheese called Fromunda ?
enquired the very well endowed Amanda.
Fernando, the seller of cheese
gave her big tits a little squeeze
and said "this is from Australia ..", and went down under !
Rob from Nashville writes 11/17
There once was a woman from China
Who shoved pork into her vagina;
When her agony
Sent her to the M.D.
She learned of the worm called Trichina.
Ogden Nield writes 11/17
A horny young fellow named Paul
Stuck his cock in a plug in the wall
It was juicy and hot
And he liked it a lot
And the plug didn't mind it at all!
There was an old cripple named Hutch
Whose lovemaking girls found too much!
He'd stand on a chair
Hold them up by the hair
And do the poor things with his crutch!
Five nuns on a mission from God
Met a man with a beautiful bod
They ripped off their habits
And took turns like rabbits
Worshipping his outstretched rod.
Dande shares a classic 11/11
On the bridge stood the young Duke of Buckingham
Thinking of tits and of Suckingham
While observing the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were Fuckingham.
Erin Christopher shares a classic 11/11
There once was a man named Jareem
Who invented the whack-off machine
On the 31st stroke
The stupid thing broke
And whipped his balls into a cream!
John Futhey writes 11/11
Ten cows munching grass by a wall.
Two bulls wander out of their stall.
The young bull shouts "Run,
We can each enjoy one!"
The old bull says "Walk, and have all."
Anonymous shares a classic 11/9
There once was a girl from Aberristwith
Who took flour to the mill to get grist with
The Miller's son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.
Mad-Matt shares a variation on
Conan the Librarian's
classic 11/8
There was a young man from Belgrave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I'll admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I'll save!"
Muppet shares a classic 11/8
There once was a man from Cancun
Who was born nine months too soon
He didn't have the luck
To be born by a fuck
He was scaped off the sheets with a spoon.
An anonymous poet writes 11/8
Inverting his latent perversions
A mathematician pondered aspersions:
"I'd give up all my fame
If I just had a dame
Who'd contort in all ten dimensions"
Steve Young writes (and submits umpteen times) 11/6
YUMY, YUMMY PUSSYCAT BAM BAM
I WANT A GIRL TO SLAM SLAM
I GOT A TEST TO DO
I GOT FREAKIN CRAM CRAM
I GOT SOME PUSSY YEAH YEAH
Note from the Sage - Raw...vibrant...but not a limerick...
Toast Point writes 11/2
While Wumpus was cleaning the drains
He showed off his undies by Hanes
I went to caress him
And then to undress him
But got a black eye for my pains!
Nicole Ryder writes 11/1
Have you seen that TV girl Heather?
The one who announces the weather?
I've heard of her fetish...
And what makes her wettish
Are beatings with straps made of leather!
Read the Naughty Limericks from October or
December!
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