The Toast Point Limerick Contest!
Naughty Entries from December 1995
from Poets Who Have Been Very Bad!
Anonymous submits the classic 12/31
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
As he said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If his ear were a cunt, he would fuck it!
The Sage notes: Ooops, spoke too soon... (see below)
Ricardo submits a classic 12/30
There was a young man with no class
Who had testicles made out of brass
In inclement weather
He'd bang them together
And lightning shot out of his ass.
Note from the Sage - This limerick and its variations
is the most-often submitted classic to the Toast Point page!
(And you thought it was the man from Nantucket...)
Anonymous submits a classic 12/28
From a maiden a man once begat
Cute triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat;
'Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding:
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.
Barrie Collins writes 12/27
There once was a hermaphrodite
Who said, "Please don't pity my plight.
For when I'm told to do
What's not easy for you,
I can do it! And do it all night!
A.E. Newman submits a classic naughty poem 12/26
There once was a man named Nick
And he could perform such a wonderful trick
He'd coat his ass with butter
And then insert his dick
He didn't do it for pleasure,
Nor fame you could put on a shelf
He did it to please an old buddy
Who'd told him "Go fuck yourself"!
Stan writes 12/24
"I like anal sex, if you please"
Said Ginger while down on her knees
"I'm firm and I'm tight,
I'm an utter delight!
And I promise that I won't cut the cheese!"
The Ghost who writes writes 12/24
Miss Haverford on her veranda
Often stood with the utmost candor
There many an hour
When things went sour
She'd quietly do it with her panda!
Charlotte writes 12/24
Her face was as red as the light
That shown in the window at night
This poor working girl
Was new at the whirl
Though eager to please and excite.
The Hardy Boys, on an adventure
Both wanted to land in her center.
They opened her legs
Inserted their pegs
And debauched the young lass magenta!
The thought of Stan's touch was enough
To make the young girl rub her muff.
But stroke as she may
She longed just to say,
"Do it harder. I'm no powder-puff."
Charlotte writes 12/23
There once was a maiden so fair
The men would all wish she would bare.
She offered to Stan
That he be her man
But he wouldn't or won't pay the fare!
There once was a man so horny
He couldn't say anything corny.
He said, "I'm not jokin'.
I'm due for some pokin'.
Come play with my thang so thorny."
There was a young maiden called Dropies
Whose vagina would read all-sized floppies
But inserting a disc
Was an orgasmic Risc,
For her spasms made 800 copies!
Ginger was known for her gas
Which on occasion, she'd silently pass
But when she let one rip
It would rock the whole ship
And knock those nearby on their ass
At giving head, Ginger's the best!
Her blow jobs could pass every test!
She could make a man come
With her lips or her gum,
Or use both with unparalleled zest!
I've a fetish that nobody knows.
It's kissing between ladies' toes.
When I've asked a miss
'Tween which toes to kiss,
It's always been big toes she chose.
Stan writes 12/22
To Stan, Ginger whined and then sighed
Her vibrator battery died
She got off instead
With ten minutes of head,
Then she gave Stan's old willie a ride!
Ginger's bush was a true work of art
It was coifed in the shape of a heart
And just out of sight
Was another delight
A twat with the taste of a tart!
A horny young nymph from Pittsburgh
Joined up with the Naval Reserve
The boys from the fleet
Would come over to eat
But hair-pie was all she would serve.
Ginger writes 12/21
Her butt in the air looked so fair
He wondered if he'd ever dare.
To approach her he must.
He was so full of lust.
That Stan made her bottom show bare!
Stan was glad he'd begun this affair
As he bent Charl over the chair.
With her legs spread apart
He could see that this tart
Was his favorite dessert, his eclair.
This fellow named Stan was so grand
Fems flocked from all over the land.
They all wanted a peek.
Even better, a tweek.
And a chance to be under his hand.
Reeshard submits a revolting classic...
There was a girl from Azores
Whose pussy was covered with sores
As she walked down the street
Not even the dogs would eat
The green meat that hung from her drawers.
and a really funny one 12/21
There was a fellow named Frisk
Whose stroke was incredibly brisk
But the Lorentz contraction
Affected his action
And reduced his rod to a disk!
John A. writes 12/21
In China, they called him Wong
Who pricked his prick with a prong
"What a Sound!" they did state
As Wong did masturbate
It replaced the Emperor's Gong!
Stan writes 12/21
There was a bleached blond named Dolores
Who had an unusual clitoris
It's location remote
Was deep in her throat
Where she douched with a touch of Lavoris!
Ginger from County of Dade
Said, "I think it's time I got laid."
"My vibrator can tingle"
"But it's not cunnilingual"
"And that's how orgasms are made."
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
Till he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
Alabaster Cat writes 12/20
When a fat mouse ran up the wall
The ladies all ran into the hall
They lifted their skirts
Along with some guy named Bert
Who most of the time liked to crawl.
I don't mean to tarnish your cheer
But old Santa Claus is a queer!
He fondles the elves,
Who pleasure themselves
With a bugger up old Santa's rear!
Stan writes 12/20
Ginger, a lawyer of note
Whose clitoris was deep in her throat,
Said she yearned for a schlong
That was twelve inches long
To her, that would be true table d'hote.
Jim writes 12/20
There once was a man (name of Peter)
Who said, "Ma'am, I charge by the meter.
Same cost fast or slow.
Have both so you know -
Speedometer and odo-meter."
Stan writes 12/20
While loaded from drinking some scotch,
Charl shaved all the hair from her crotch
She now goes to work in
A henna-hued merkin
That matches the face of her Swatch.
The Sage stops giggling long enough to put this one in
contention for Naughty Limerick of the Year.
Ginger's henna-hued merkin was rare
It was made of natural hair
It covered her quiff
From her ass to midriff
And was parted in the middle for air!
Charlotte writes 12/19
His romance is beyond comprehension,
Perhaps because of his dimension.
The women succumb -
Indeed they all cum -
And they always give Stan special mention!
Stan realizes I love to play.
Yes, I'd be his Sub anyday.
This Illinois fellow
Can make me feel mellow.
Brings me to my knees to obey.
Markie submits a classic 12/19
There once was a man from Ghent
Whose cock was so long that it bent.
Whithout any trouble,
He put it in double,
So instead of cumming he went...
Jim writes 12/18
Xeroo, a creature of cyber-space,
With perverse taste and from an ugly race.
It waits on-line
For stinky morsels to dine,
But being an ass must hide its face in its only place.
Message from the Sage: Jim, work on your meter!
Stan writes 12/17
Ginger, a lass from Miami
Was known for her sex double-whammy
She give her date head
Next, ball him in bed
Then send him home to his mammy!
Stan writes 12/16
Ginger, a lass from Biscayne
Was found doubled over in pain
She said she'd been silly
To gobble his willie
While trying to pull a train.
Charlotte writes 12/16
T his fellow named Stan had a style
Of making gals beg for a while.
"Please touch me right here.
I won't break. Have no fear."
They'd plea for more with a smile.
Stan writes 12/16
Pouilly Fuisse '69
Is known as a hell of a wine
But a similar number
Done with Miss Cumber
Was found to be equally fine!
Xeroo writes 12/16
There once was a man named Jim
He was just a little bit dim
He met a girl so sweet
And swept her off her feet
Then her husband beat the shit out of him!
There once was a woman so fine.
Her look and her touch were divine.
The men would line up
For a sip of her cup
And each one would pray, "Oh be mine."
Stan writes 12/15
A hirsute problem had Claire
Whose looks were otherwise fair.
Her pubes hung down
From her crotch to the ground,
And her tits were all covered with hair!
Anonymous writes 12/15
Miss Haverford on her veranda
Encountered a girl named Miranda
She thought she was keen
She had dreams of Ben Vereen
Fucking her up the ass.
The sage shakes his head in wonderment.
Stan writes 12/14
Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke
Made love to a cow as a joke
He found pleasure divine
With this friendly bovine
Now they call him the old cowpoke!
There once was a lassie named Charlotte
Who was known as a bit of a harlot
She did fifteen men
Then she did them again
Until her quiff turned a bright shade of scarlet.
Ginger from Florida State
Performed oral sex on her date.
She said with regret,
"My stomach's upset
It must be something I ate!"
Jim writes 12/14/
Said she, "you move me to such distress",
As she proceeded to undress.
"I see you're above par.
Promise we won't take it too far."
No, No, No, No - Oh Yes !
There once was a guy with an odd gait,
Who thought it odder most fellows did walk straight.
His hips he would wiggle,
And to fellows who did giggle,
Said "Queer you took the bait - mate."
A flatulent flautist named Flo,
Attained mastery out of fear of solo.
She feared unharmonious effervescence,
Amid gasps from the audience,
So she lip-syncs poco adagio in duo.
There once was a femme named Liz,
Who desired the top position in Biz.
She cheated on hubby
And with the big boys did rubby -
It's been "bottom's up" since the affair lost its fizz.
There once was an old hacker named Jay,
Used to play with his P.C. all day.
Till his 5 inch floppy
Spit out data all sloppy,
"Parity odd now. Still want to play (yea/nay) ?"
There once was a cat lover, Miss Thou.
In cat litter makes kitty verse - see how
Me thinks it perverse,
Her pussy's in verse
But see who's immersed in verse now me-ow !
There once was a man named Me,
Who shopped for limericks free.
Those versed perverse,
He discarded in verse,
"Oh Me, much too naughty to see!"
Hickory Dickory Dock
The tongue ran up the cock.
The man did smile.
It had been quite a while.
And his cock was as hard as a rock!
Dirty MacDuff writes 12/13
I once knew a pretty good trick
That began with a flick of my Bic
I would set fire
To my dick, like a pyre
And squash out the flames with a brick.
There was an old maid from Bermuda
Who looked like a sick Barracuda
She walked around naked
But she never got raped
That unfortunate, ugly maid from Bermuda.
Miss Haverford on her veranda
Forgot that she was in Rwanda
She defended colonialism
And got bad criticism
That white chick, fan of Jane Fonda
Jane got drunk - then she passed out - and then...
She was raped by two thousand men!
And when she awoke
To the two thousandth bloke:
She said, "Not bad - let's do it again!"
Dere was once was dis dude from New Yawk
Who plugged up his ass wit a cawk
He said wit great wit
Hey, I don't give a shit
And each day it gets harder to walk!
Been good? Then there's nothing to fear
If you haven't, old St. Nick, the dear,
Will put coal in your socks,
Boys get crabs in their jocks,
Girls get PMS all of next year!
Phred writes...
A bugger who buggered some sheep
Tried to bugger a ewe in her sleep.
She awoke with a start
And she ripped a great fart.
Now he's covered in shit three feet deep.
and comments on Tim Robinson's entries below 12/11
A poet sending poems to you
Should give credit where credit is due.
It's my sincere belief
That Timmy's a thief
For pretending his classics are new!
He should try to create his own thought
And not steal someone else's plot
He's surely no poet
But he don't even know it.
He pretends to be something he's not.
The sage notes: When they seem that familiar, they don't
get a gold star.
The Beard writes variations on a theme...
There once was a girl from Old Witz
Who had the most marvellous tits.
She said with a smile,
As she bounced them awhile,
"I can't find a bra that they fits!"
There once was a girl from Old Witz
Who had the most marvellous tits.
But she said with a frown,
As she jumped up and down,
"When *I* stop, *they* just won't call it quits!"
There once was a girl from Old Witz
Who had the most marvellous tits.
She needed a bra,
Or else they'd see-saw,
So the young girl used two baseball mitts!
and submits a classic 12/11
There was a young man named Bob Grass
who met a most marvelous lass.
But alas! She was crass,
and she sported an ass
with a mass to surpass Mama Cass.
If you like your suits double-breasted
Get one tailored like I have suggested
Make sure that it fits
Snugly over both tits
To keep you from getting arrested!
"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
"Bend over the pew for your Master!"
He said with a moan
As he slipped him a bone.
"Now just wag your tail a bit faster!"
There once was a girl quite annoyed
By a tremendous, festering 'roid
She lay on her tummy
While they whittled her bummy
Now her sphincter is totally destroyed!
Tim Robinson writes 12/10
There was a plumber from Torquay
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing!
For there's somebody coming"
Said the plumber "Don't stop 'cos it's me!"
There was a girl from the Cape
Who had an affair with an ape
The result was quite horrid
All arse and no forehead
And one little ball like a grape.
There was and old man from Gwent
Whose tool was permantly bent
To avoid any trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming he went.
Stan writes 12/10
"For Christmas", she said with a tingle
"I'd love a gift cunnilingual!"
Twas with joy and surprise
She found twixt her thighs
The tongue of jolly Kris Kringle!
Is it true that you frolic with jello?
Applying it by use of a bellow?
You must understand
It might feel quite grand
But this nonsense must stop, fellow!
The Sage notes: - How about a two-syllable adjective before "fellow"
to make the meter flow? Maybe "twisted"? "Callow"? "Horny"?
Nicky K. submits the classic 12/9
There once was a man from Nantucket
He had a dick so long he could suck it
Along he came one day
To ponder and say
If his ear was a cunt, he would fuck it.
Inspired by these header graphics,
Ogden Nield writes 12/9
Said a seller of fruit in Havana
To a ripe red-lipped lady named Anna
You want something to eata?
No charge, seniorita -
Put those red lips around my banana!
and...
Lizzie, I'm told by my source,
Has had intercourse with a horse.
Her husband named Bernie
Has seen an attorney
And told he has grounds for divorce!
Fenderson Parker writes...
There are a few girls in school
Who would boff any old fool
But those with the A's
Know who plays
And boff Proffessor O'Doule!
and submits a classic 12/8
There once was a man named McSweeny
Who poured some gin on his weenie
Not being uncouth
He added vermouth
And slipped his girlfriend a Martini.
Doc submits a classic 12/8
There once was a girl named Jill
Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil!
A poet who might be
Martin Wellborn writes 12/8
There once was a baby named Jesus
Who said to his ma, "If it pleases,
Just stop your dawdling
And hoist up my swaddling
Clothes ere my little ass freezes.
Larry Dahl writes 12/7
A snappy computer named Indy
Designed a companion named Mindy.
Soon her silicon grin
Led to virtual sin.
And now there's a daughtercard, Cindy.
There was a young stud from Ealing
Who had the most incredible feeling
Thinking of Annabel next door
Being shagged to the core
He shot his bolt all over the ceiling.
There once was a girl from Sri Lanka
Who had an affair with a banker
With shags on the crawl
He made his withdrawl
But didn't even bother to thank her!
M D McFarland writes 12/7
Her eyes were as blue as the ocean
They filled me with such an emotion.
I asked "What's your name?"
She asked me the same.
Seems we shared the same naughty notion.
John Cook writes 12/7
There was a man from Ka-bot
That lived on his boogers and snot
When he couldn't have these
He lived on the cheese,
That grew on his grungy old cock!
Nick Scales writes a multi-stanza wonder 12/7
Burdew's Screw
An old desert rat named Burdew
Came to town one day for a screw.
He threw down a quarter
And drawled out, "That orter
Cover a quick poke or two."
The madam looked very askance
At the grime on his shirt and his pants,
His scruffy gray beard,
The eyes that went weird,
And the odor that wasn't from France.
"Ol" fella," she said with a grin,
"For a quarter, I'll let you right in
To a room that's just ripe
For a man of your type
And a gal that's ideal for your sin."
The prospector's eyes went aglow
As the fire began burning below.
His hands started shaking
And his knees were aquaking.
It was plain he was rarin' to go.
So they led him out back of the place
To a shed with just enough space
For the fattest pink sow,
He'd seen anyhow
With a sorta' sweet smile on her face.
Burdew shoved everyone aside,
Slammed the door and was quickly astride
His porky delight
Where he spent the whole night
In a passionate piggyback ride!
At daybreak, Burdew poked his head
Out of the tumbledown shed
With a satisfied sigh,
He said, "Miss Piggy and I
Will be having our breakfast in bed."
A Palm Springs Republican writes 12/7
I once had a wife I called Cher
Who's voice was only just fair
And as everyone knows
When it comes to her clothes
She exposes her ass to the air!
Ogden Nield writes 12/7
The rumors said Santa was queer!
Not so, you'll be happy to hear!
Although not a fag
Sex just isn't his bag
So the man only comes once a year!
Toast Point offers a joke he saw on an Xmas card:
Why is Santa smiling?
Because he has a list of all the naughty little girls!
So love-starved at Christmas was Bunny,
She hung mistletoe over her cunny
No man ever kissed her
A fact that quite pissed her
And made bunny walk kinda funny!
Though I may be about to retire,
Ladies, come light my Christmas fire!
Though I'll well over fifty
Come get this gifty -
Eight inches of throbbing desire!
"Is it true that you frolic with jello?"
"Yes, I am that same kinky fellow.
Why would I hide it?
If you've never tried it -
You've never really been mellow!
A poet who might be Martin Wellborn writes 12/7
AIDS like a Biblical curse
Is getting progressively worse.
The cause? Lack of soap,
Assholes into dope,
And (pardon the pun) the reverse.
Not Cliff writes 12/6
There once was a Vulcan named Spock
Who tried stroking his monstrous cock
With lust went berserk
And beseeched Captain Kirk,
"Bend over, this shuttle must dock!"
Harjit Sohi shares a classic 12/6
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
And crawled up inside her
And said "Man, that pussy is wide!"
Conan the Librarian shares a classic 11/4
There once was a couple named Kelly
Who had to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used wallpaper paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
David Goldfield writes 12/4
A man with a fever so dire
Had testes which burned like a pyre
He was heard to exclaim
As they doused out the flame
Good gracious me, great balls of fire!
M D McFarland writes 12/4
It was Santa (I could tell by his head)
Under covers in Grandmother's bed.
He said "Don't you see
How much better for me
Than sleeping with Rudolf instead!"
Nick Scales writes 12/4
Golf is a game I adore
If only they didn't keep score
My drives go acurving
My putting's disturbing
And "Fuck!" gives no warning like "Fore!"
Barrie Collins writes 12/4
Though the Vatican says, "All it takes
Is the will-power to put on the brakes.",
And we KNOW "interruptus"
Would NEVER corrupt us,
This conception is prone to mistakes.
Barrie Collins writes...
Said a limerick writer, "I'm stuck
For a rhyme for a stud known as Chuck.
Our staid population
Proscribes copulation
And won't let me use the word 'fuck'."
and shares a classic non-limerick 12/2
Mary had a little sheep.
She took it home to bed to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb.
Toast Point offers this variation, also from elsewhere:
Mary had a little lamb
You've heard this tale before
but did you know she passed her plate
And had a little more?
Ogden Nield writes 12/2
Evangalist Duffy McGuire
Preached Hell and Brimstone and Fire
And when all the folks went
In the back of the tent
He boffed all the girls in the choir!
A creative fellow named Jewitt
Knew of 2,000 ways to "do it"
But the man was so ugly
No girl would get snuggly
And he never did get around to it.
Goldilocks has lots of guys
Pinnochio's one, I'm advised!
She sits on the puppet
And sticks his nose up it
And makes the poor fellow tell lies!
Baker of Houston submits some non-limerick classics
from a 1960's Playboy 12/2
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
To get her poor dog some bread;
But when she bent over, Rover drove 'er,
And bred Mother Hubbard instead.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover drove her,
For he had a bone of his own!
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone;
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
So the mutt ate up the old crone.
Ogden Nield (writerman@igc.net) writes 12/2
When seafood's a dish you are craving
Ask of the wife you're enslaving
To eat her clam raw -
(Best dish I ever saw)
And I promise you'll cum away raving!
A poet who might be Martain Wellborn,
and who also might be
Martin Wellborn, writes 12/1
Said the Abbot, "I'm not pleased one bit,
Brother Ambrose; that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe -
I just won't accept that sheep chit."
Enter a Naughty Limerick!
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