Lips Phallic Symbols

The Toast Point Limerick Contest
The Best of 1995!

Naughty Entries

Welcome!

Toast Point writes: Here are the Sage's choices for Best Naughty Limericks of 1995. Most of them were gold star winners, but some were not - a board review determined their worth after the first judging. Enjoy, and congratulate the winners!
Anatomy Clerical Errors
Coffee Ewwww!
Fairy Tales Holiday
Technique Politics
Self-Referential Science Fiction
Stan and Ginger Wild Wild West
Public Transportation Ah, Wilderness!

Anatomy

Buster writes

A decent young fellow named Herm
Was equipped with a geyser-like worm:
The size wasn't much
But its volume was such
That his lovers did backstroke in sperm.

Diana Prince writes 8/2

I see by the size of your member
You're as hot as a blazing coal ember!
So slicken that mast -
And hon, make it fast -
This girl's not been poked since December!

Clerical Errors

A poet who might be Martin Wellborn writes 12/1

Said the Abbot, "I'm not pleased one bit,
Brother Ambrose; that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe -
I just won't accept that sheep chit."

Ogden Nield writes 12/11

"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
"Bend over the pew for your Master!"
He said with a moan
As he slipped him a bone.
"Now just wag your tail a bit faster!"

Coffee

Lord Chomondley Fitz-Nobbins writes

I know that you'll think me quite dotty,
But please, no caffeine in the latte!
One simple espresso -
I put on a dress, oh,
And really start acting quite naughty!

Ewwww!

Drayton INC writes 5/19

We all know that tampons are spongey
And oftentimes get rather grungy
But why they have strings
Among other things
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.

Fairy Tales

Ogden Nield writes 12/2

Goldilocks has lots of guys
Pinnochio's one, I'm advised!
She sits on the puppet
And sticks his nose up it
And makes the poor fellow tell lies!

Holiday

Stan writes 12/10

"For Christmas", she said with a tingle
"I'd love a gift cunnilingual!"
Twas with joy and surprise
She found twixt her thighs
The tongue of jolly Kris Kringle!

Technique

Oldcoach writes:

Good marks for oldtimer, Omar.
Who can't raise his tent very far.
His plumbing is rusted
He can't cut the mustard
So's an expert at licking the jar.

Big Mike in Oz writes 9/7

Said the prostitute dropping her towel
There's only one rule that I follow,
You can insert your shaft
In holes fore or aft,
But its output I never will swallow.

Barrie Collins writes 11/29

When she felt his hands touching her knees,
The girl, to her lover, said, "Please,
When you've finished down there,
Would you kindly take care
First of this, next of that, then of these?"

Saffonda Cox writes

Were you a more elegant chap,
I'd ask to sit down on your lap
Cross-legg'd, like a swami
For 'hide the salami',
But it seems that you're ill with the clap!

Politics

A poet who might be Martin Wellborn writes 11/2

"Miss Jones," Clinton said, with affection,
"Oh please, won't you lick my erection?"
But Paula, so silly,
Misunderstood Willy
And thought he said: "Wreck my election."

JohnD writes

If you notice some sag in your tush
And you've given Weight Watchers the brush,
No need to feel sad
Or judge yourself bad -
You're surely less bloated than Rush.

His views are the match of his girth;
They're outsize and would attract mirth
But the ditto-head scrum
Is so glum or so dumb
That they egg on this not-upon-earth.

Oh, dearie, pontificate.
Politicos do it in state
Since they know they'll get warts
Without their cohorts -
But, Rush, go ahead, masturbate.

Self-Referential

Barrie Collins writes

Said a limerick writer, "I'm stuck
For a rhyme for a stud known as Chuck.
Our staid population
Proscribes copulation
And won't let me use the word 'fuck'."

Science Fiction

Not Cliff writes 12/6

There once was a Vulcan named Spock
Who tried stroking his monstrous cock
With lust went berserk
And beseeched Captain Kirk,
"Bend over, this shuttle must dock!"

Stan and Ginger

Stan and Ginger write throughout December

Ginger from County of Dade
Said, "I think it's time I got laid."
"My vibrator can tingle"
"But it's not cunnilingual"
"And that's how orgasms are made."

Ginger's bush was a true work of art
It was coifed in the shape of a heart
And just out of sight
Was another delight
A twat with the taste of a tart!

Her butt in the air looked so fair
He wondered if he'd ever dare.
To approach her he must.
He was so full of lust.
That Stan made her bottom show bare!

Stan was glad he'd begun this affair
As he bent Ginger over the chair.
With her legs spread apart
He could see that this tart
Was his favorite dessert, his eclair.

"I like anal sex, if you please"
Said Ginger while down on her knees
"I'm firm and I'm tight,
I'm an utter delight!
And I promise that I won't cut the cheese!"

While loaded from drinking some scotch,
Ginger shaved all the hair from her crotch
She now goes to work in
A henna-hued merkin
That matches the face of her Swatch!

Wild Wild West

Nick Scales writes 12/7

Burdew's Screw
An old desert rat named Burdew
Came to town one day for a screw.
He threw down a quarter
And drawled out, "That orter
Cover a quick poke or two."

The madam looked very askance
At the grime on his shirt and his pants,
His scruffy gray beard,
The eyes that went weird,
And the odor that wasn't from France.

"Ol" fella," she said with a grin,
"For a quarter, I'll let you right in
To a room that's just ripe
For a man of your type
And a gal that's ideal for your sin."

The prospector's eyes went aglow
As the fire began burning below.
His hands started shaking
And his knees were aquaking.
It was plain he was rarin' to go.

So they led him out back of the place
To a shed with just enough space
For the fattest pink sow,
He'd seen anyhow
With a sorta' sweet smile on her face.

Burdew shoved everyone aside,
Slammed the door and was quickly astride
His porky delight
Where he spent the whole night
In a passionate piggyback ride!

At daybreak, Burdew poked his head
Out of the tumbledown shed
With a satisfied sigh,
He said, "Miss Piggy and I
Will be having our breakfast in bed."

Public Transportation

A poet who might be anyone, but is Michael Donn writes

A hard-headed cabby named Peter
Was asked by a fare if he'd eat her.
He said, "It's not free.
I will only agree
To go down while I'm running the meter."

Ah, Wilderness!

Phred writes 10/24

A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.