The Toast Point Bad Fiction Contest
proudly presents:
Last updated May 12, 1997
Last updated May 12, 1997
At the First Reformed Evangelical Fundamentalist Mission Church, just
across the headwaters of Right Wing Creek, which also ran through the
stranger's property (and - during the spring floods - through the better part
of his humble abode, which was why Floyd had sold out, that and the fact
that the revenuers were getting suspicious about his latest distilling
enterprise), the stranger's appearance did not escape notice either.
Husband and wife evangelical team, Flem and Flammie Flaker discussed the
matter among themselves.
"Whut iff'n he is probl'y onodem homaseckshuls like ever body claims?" said Flem. "I reckon the only right thing to do is run him outta town 'less he reforms and gits saved and shows good faith by makin' a substantial offerin' to the church."
"You probl'y right, Honey," said Flammie, who had long since learned that this was the only acceptable response to anything her husband said to her. Flammie, who had many years ago given up a lucrative career as a Mary Kay representative to marry Flem, had been immediately attracted to Bertie. Not only was he good-looking (he appeared to have all his own teeth and was clean-shaven), but he was from the big city (a state capital!) and, if the rumors of his homaseckshulality were true, he might be knowledgeable about the latest hairstyles and make-up techniques. Ever' body said that's what them homaseckshuls was interested in-hair and make-up. Plus,he was so cute - and if the rumors were indeed true - perhaps she could use her Christian feminine wiles to change his sexual preference, save his soul, and learn some hair and make-up tips while doin' the Lord's work. Why, she considered, she might even be the first female saint to be recognized by the First Reformed Evangelical Fundamentalist Mission Church, which would no doubt lead to her gettin' all kinds of offers to be on talk shows where she could announce her ambitions to be a country-western songwriter (she was already halfway through her first song, "I Found Salvation on my Knees at the Lonely Hearts Motel") So absorbed was she in these dreams that she barely heard Flem's announcement that he "wuz goin' up on Widow's Peak to see iff'n I kin git that pore chile Sofie Mae to come to church agin."
Thus, as Flem scaled the peak in the hopes of redeeming Sofie Mae's soul - or at least getting a glimpse of the resplendent bounty that the Lord had bestowed upon her, Flammie finished applying her third coat of mascara to her carefully curled lashes and coated her full sensuous lips with gloss in anticipation of the missionary position which she was about to assume.
While she and Elmer (unnoticed by her father) struggled quietly back into their clothes, Trixi couldn't help but feel blessed at her singular good luck in snaring Elmer as her steady boyfriend. Not only was he-the richest boy she knew!- merely distantly related to her, but he was also the quarterback and defensive lineman on the Widow's Peak High School "Fighting Arachnids" football team-noted for being the smallest team in the state. With only six team members, each boy had to play two-and sometimes three, if anyone got so severely injured as to not be able to finish the game- positions. While this contributed to Elmer's physical agility that carried over into other aspects of his life, it often left him so exhausted that he was unable to give Trixi the attention she felt she deserved. Lucky for her, last night's game had been forfeited by the Skunk Creek "Stinkers," who were unable to play because they had some kind of communicable disease, so the "Fighting Arachnids" devoted their attentions to celebrating their first victory in a way that was pretty much guaranteed to increase the population of Widow's Peak in approximately nine months.
Her reverie was cut short as her father, Kix Dunkin, suddenly slammed on the brakes at the entrance to Elmer's mother's prestigious doublewide that was placed precipitously upon a precipice part-way up the peak, the better for the residents of the lower part of the peak to admire Marvella Maypole's conspicuous wealth that she'd suddenly accumulated as a result of a shrewd life insurance investment on her possibly-late husband, Maynard, who'd vanished without a trace in the mysterious coal mine cave-in deep within the hidden recesses of Widow's Peak two years earlier. While Trixi wondered why her father had continued to twice-weekly (usually on a Wednesday and Saturday) investigate Maynard's disappearance, who was she to question his integrity? After all, didn't he have a certificate from a correspondence school in police science prominently displayed in the dining room? So what if he hadn't gotten around to investigating all the other disappearances yet? It wasn't like anyone had actually filed missing person complaints or anything. And wasn't he still broken-hearted from when Trixi's mother left him two years ago to run off to Wheeling and find herself by becoming a dental hygienist?