The preacher froze in his boots and faced Jonah with his mouth opened wider than the legs of a whore from the Bouncin' Bed Saloon in Jasper County, Mississippi. Jonah gave the preacher his meanest, toughest gunslinger seekin' revenge look and said, "You! wanna tell me what the hell yer doin' to them poor innocent critters?"
The preacher was breathin' heavier than a bull about to be branded by the Polka Dot Cattle Ranch in Hunterton, Kentucky and he said, "Mister, I'm doin' the Lord's work. These hogs are in need of healin' and I have been blessed with the power of the Lord! The power to heal the sick!"
Jonah wasn't buyin' it fer one second! "Well, what exactly is wrong with these hogs that a whuppin' is gonna cure?!"
The preacher walked slowly towards Jonah, talking as if he was givin' a sermon. "Nothin' now, I have healed them all. Except fer that one!" The preacher smacked another hog on the bottom! "My work is now done. Praise the Lord! Now, I have to heal the cows, so move along son, yer in my way!"
Jonah pointed his gun at the preacher's head. "You ain't goin' nowhere 'til you tell me what's ailin' them hogs!"
The preacher grinned and said, "Sin."
Jonah had had enough. "Preacher, your days of spankin' poor innocent critters are over! It's time for the Lord to personally thank you for your service."
Jonah cocked his gun and BANG! It was shot from his hand! Jonah looked up, and there was Emo Dickson! He had tracked Jonah all the way to Texas! Jonah was hopin' bounty hunter Emo Dickson of Lobo City, California would have given up by now. Jonah had been runnin' for two years 'cause of a murder he didn't commit and Easytown, Texas seemed like the perfect hideout, until now. "Well, Jonah Gilbert trying to kill a preacher! I knew you was a cold- blooded killer!" Emo was on a black horse that was darker than a tarpit in a cave on a moonless night, and his rifle was pointed right at Jonah like the finger of Satan deciding Jonah's fate. The bounty hunter's gold star sparkled as he lit a cigarette with his free hand and flicked the lit match at Jonah. Jonah stared at the falling match and though it resembled his life--a falling flame extinguished in dirt.
Emo tapped his gold star. "You see this star, Jonah? This star means I can drag you into Lobo City dead or alive and become a rich man!" Emo started laughing and shot the preacher deader than a rat in a rattlesnake's gut! Emo aimed his rifle back at Jonah. "'Any doubt about you bein' a killer can be put to rest now. Do you have a final request?"
Jonah closed his eyes and said, "Just get on with it!" Then out of the darkness like a star from the heavens, Jonah heard the life-saving words he would never forget. "I have a request, Mister. Give the preacher my regards!" It was the Sure Shot Kid! He fired one shot knocking Emo from his horse!
Jonah's body shivered with relief like a cool breeze on a fat lizard in a desert without shade. "You...you saved my life."
"After cheatin you out of all yer money, it was the least I could do. Besides, you ain't no killer. Here, take this." The Sure Shot Kid returned Jonah's money. Without hesitating, Jonah rode outta town as fast as he could.!
Emo came to and his eyes opened to a rising sun that made him think of an egg over-easy. His chest hurt as he rose--the bullet had hit his gold star. As Emo rode in search of Jonah, he thought of his gold star and wondered out loud, "I hope I can get another one of these."
Nice try...
I arrived at Dulles at 9AM (an hour early) to ensure that I was prepared. I put on my hidden camera (disguised as sunglasses) and began recording. Then I loaded my guided-missile sneakers. The sneakers were triggered by a sharp tug on the laces, so I had to be careful tying them. I put on my bulletproof suntan lotion and carefully placed a ballpoint pen, containing a small nuclear warhead, into my t-shirt pocket. Finally, I put on the Company-issued Orioles baseball cap and walked to the airport with duffel bag in hand. Agent 4321JKL-ASDF's flight wasn't to arrive for 45 minutes, so I stopped for a breakfast burrito and a six pack. This would actually turn out to be a life-saving decision. After breakfast I headed for the terminal--Agent 4321JKL-ASDF's flight was delayed for another 30 minutes! Frustrated, I walked to a newsstand and flipped through a couple of magazines. Just then, my stomach began to rumble like a bolder in a dryer. My breakfast was not very happy. I hit the nearest restroom for relief.
Moments later, two men entered. They apparently were unaware of my presence. "Let's go over this one more time. After the baseball caps blow up both heads, you grab the bags and I'll get the bodies."
"That's right, now let's get to work!" The two men left the restroom. I was in shock. I took off the baseball cap and flushed it. What in these duffel bags is so important that they have to kill us? I had to find out and opened the bag. Inside was a small blue ball the size of a grapefruit encased in a thin, clear glass-like coating. The interior was glowing and appeared to be liquid. I returned it to the suitcase.
It was time to meet my fate. I headed for the terminal and awaited Agent 4321JKL-ASDF's arrival.
The woodchuck stepped slyly into the clearing. He was now with in grasp of the enemy. Sniffing the air for predators he eyed the surrounding area. Surely his presence has been reported by now. The fierce brawl in Pagorn's Bar & Grill had to of reached the emporer by now. But, alas the old woman had deserved everything she got. Although not very big the woodchuck was most certainly weak. So trusting his rodent nature he strode bodly into the clearing, drawing "Lady Schick" his trusted, rusted sword. Let all tremble within my shadow he thought in between his need for lunch. As he reached a stump, thouroghly intent on a picnic, the emporers troops scrambled out of the forest. "Aha!", the captain snarled," We finally meet with the ruthless rodent that has stuck fear in many a child and old woman." A liitle preturbed the woodchuck arose. Releasing Lady Shick from the ham he had been slicing, the woodchuck replyed casually" Yes I am the slayer of old women and children, do not thwart my effort to kill your emporer." "What makes ye think that you can take me and my company of men, BEAVER!" This threw the woodchuck into a trembling fury. After picking up his sword the Woodchuck yelled "Now look upon my shadow for winter is upon ye!" With that he took a mighty swing at the nearest man, nearly decapitating his kneecap. With a might roar he burrowed deep in the dark recesses of his earthen home. Coming upo on the other side of the clearing he drew his Crossbow of Everlasting Death(pat. pend.), and let fly a volley of death. Two squirrels and a rabbit died under the fierce volley. Turning around he aimed at the starlted troops, letting fly another lethal volley. All where slain except the one who was lucky that nature called is name a few moments before. Seizing the oppurtunity the poor soul tried to make a break for the woodchucks lunch. But as fate, and this story, is to tell the poor soul met a fate worse then death, The woodchuck caught the man a step away from his Caesar's salad and grabbed him a roughly as any woodchuck could. As the man looked into the strange dim of the woodchucks eyes he reliazed, this is no ordinary varmit. "Send your emporer a message," the woodchuck barked," I shall see him when my picnic is finished and his blood will be mine." "Go now or you to will be slain" stated the woodchuck, as only a woodchuck could..
The emporer awaited anxiously the hour it took between the message and the time the wooodchuck arrived. "Oh what sins have I committed to endure the wrath of such a woodland creature" the emporer emplored the gods. Turing around the emporer looked into the rodents cold and hungry eyes. Wondering how did they manage to burrow so fast. "Now Zog, your time has finished." growled the woodchuck."No longer will your fowl gopher traps catch another woodchuck. Many of my kin has succumbed to your vile villany." Saying such, in a rather convincing tongue, the woodchuck drew Lady Schick in order to taste the sweet blood of vengence. Giving no choice Zog drew his sword on paper. Hoping his acting teacher was doing his job he spoke shakily "You no longer will terrorize my lifel. Your legend has grown throughout this miserable land. If it is a fight you want, by golly, it is a fight you shall have. Long and bitter the two fought throughout the trailer park. Only occasionly stopping for soda's and stray dogs. Three days and two nights they battled for supremecy, until the woodchucks stamina overcame Emporer Zog. Falling to his knees the emporer pleaded,"I am to young to die, you would not hit a guy with glasses would you, how about a glass eyes." Finding no mercy in his cold rodent heart the woodchuck reared back and struck a mighty blow to the emporers throat. Missing, he got it on the second shot. "So ends your reign of tyranny on the rodents of the world, may your corpse stay under the ale swilling swine of this park." With Zog out of the way the woodchuck roamed aimlessly throughout the lands slaying the very young and the old women of the world. May you never look upon his shadow or succumb to the icy hells of winter. Let this warn ye next time you cross paths with the rodent kind. The almost mighty woodchuck is watching.
Monique, shivering despite the near-tropic heat, contemplated the sleeping man beside her. Was she really now
the wife of a Duke who she had never met? Everything had happened
so fast since she stepped off of the Pacific Princess...The problems started, of course, when she had noticed his lack of body hair. Oh, it wasn't a true *prejudice* that affected Monique. After all, a Duke is a Duke, and after that much tequila on the poop deck, she'd have married a Schnauzer if he'd been convincing enough. But there was something just plain *creepy* about a man smoother than cream cheese left out too long. And even though it was easily a hundred and six degrees with truly *beastly* heat, he wasn't even sweaty. How could that be? He wasn't dead -- Monique was certain she'd have noticed that through even the worst of hangovers.
Monique sat up and stretched. She looked out at the warm, inviting sea. A short swim? Hop onto the boat for her suit. Or hop onto the boat and lock herself in her cabin until His Grace woke up and came looking for her? There was an appeal, for certain. How could she....
Monique blinked. There was no ship off the shore of the island.
"That shouldn't be," she said, pushing to her feet and running over the hot white sand for the shore. Either way, as far as the eye could see... nothing. No ship. Not even a dingy.
Monique frowned. Not from her apparent marooning on an island. After all, according to maritime law she was the Dutchess of Smirk Isle now. But to be trapped on a tropical island with a husband whose last name she had forgotten, no sunscreen and only evening wear? How gauche. She returned to the hut they had slept in, and prepared to kick her new husband awake.
This is when she noticed the cable snaking out of his leg. It snaked to the corner of the cabin, where it was plugged into an extension cord.
Monique blinked again. A robot? The duke -- her new husband -- was an appliance?
"This won't do at all," she murmered, and stepped outside. The extension cord disappeared into the thick jungle. She followed, slipping on her heels. Whoever was at the other end of that extension cord would get a tongue-lashing he wouldn't soon forget!
"I've got crabs" was the thing that kept running over and over in my mind.
If am so glad that my friends can't see me now - they would be making so
much fun of me. My dumb little brother probably loves this; he is probably
going to be telling everone that we had crabs. Plus this weird crack-using crab vendor probably does some pretty funky stuff with these crabs. God I don't even want to think about what he does with these crabs in the crab shack late night. If only Greenpeace or some animal rights people knew he probably be arrested or at the very least on Jerry Springer. This guy probably went to Nam and came back after sniffing some Napom. What did he just mumble, probably "Check for charlie in the trees or cover my rear soldier." I swear to God he just touched my butt and said, "You want come back to the crab shack wit me." That's it I am screaming and running away. One more second and i am running away. Thank God that is over I will be looking for him on top of
a building or in a post office very soon.
Jake was wandering on the Leisure deck of the cruise boat bemoaning his love life, or lack there of when he heard a desperate cry. He saw a beautiful girl hanging over the edge holding on for dear life. He was so struck by her beauty that he could not move to help her. "Move your tight ass over here and help me," she yelled.
Jake snapped back into reality and moved to help the lady. "Since I am about to save your life, maybe you want to tell me your name."
"You're crazy! Just help me!" she pleaded in a desperate voice. Then added sexily, "Veronica."
Just then, a sudden gust of wind blows and she loses her grip. He goes to grab her but leans too far over the edge and belly flops, landing on top of her in the cold blue water "I'm Jake," he tells her once she has resurfaced spitting water out of her mouth. "You can sit on my back and I will swim over to that deserted island over there.
He pulls her to safety. They climb up a cliff and turn to each other. The sun is beginning to set and the moment is perfect. He leans in for a kiss.
One kiss turned into two... He laid her down gently onto the sand, he slowly peeled off her wet clothes and she took his firm hard body into hers.
Interesting use of mixed tense!
Bev was kicked off the squad for a humiliating crime. Not only could poor Bev go home that day, but her friends turned on her as well. But why not - she is a slut. Bev learned a hell of a lesson that day. Never sleep with your teachers...and get caught!
DEAR MOM AND DAD,HELP US! WE HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A STINKY OLD MAN. HE IS MAKING US WORK IN HIS FISH MARKET AND PROMOTE STINKY CRABS ON THE STREET. PLEASE SEND HELP OR SOAP-- WE ARE STINKY NOW TOO. I KNOW WE LOOK HAPPY BUT WE ARE STINKY. I KNOW MR. STENCH LOOKS LIKE A NICE GUY BUT HE IS A STINKY SLAVE-DRIVER THAT IS STINKY.
LOVE ALWAYS,
YOUR (NOW STINKY) KIDS
On the desolate walk back home she contemplated the reasons for her dismissal. Maybe it was her cocky attitude, maybe her short attention span, maybe her eagerness to show off her body to the first boy to show her some interest, but probably because of that incident with the quarterback after he said that cheerleading wasn't a real sport. I guess it really didn't matter because after telling her mother her body would surely be too bruised to show to anyone. She opened the door to an empty house, empty of people, of comfort, of forgiveness. Beverly turned the water on in the shower and took of her clothes. When the water was sufficiently hot to sanitize her disgust, she stepped in to the warm embrace. It was the first safe feeling she had experienced since her heartbreak at the bleachers. As she scrubbed her body the water turned frighteningly cold. She tensed every muscle and screamed. The scream was loud enough to attract her mother, who had just arrived with arms full of groceries. She told her mom that she got kicked off and her mom said ok--I guess it wasn't as bad as she thought. It was too late already as the pills Beverly swallowed were taking effect and her body fell limp to the floor, still half tense from the chilling water.
Beverly, huddled under the bleachers, sniffed back a tear. Kicked off the
cheerleading squad! All of her mother's dreams for her, dashed! How could she
even go home now?"My mother will kick my ass! Plus I lost my sport bra. Not that I need one or anything. My breasts have only begun to develop. Maybe this has something to do with my exile from the cheer squad. All of the other girls are fully bloomed, I'm just a lowly A-cup, if that at all.
I know! I'll make myself bloom! Not just any growth implement, NO! I'm going for the aloe-vera Kleenex! By lunchtime, I can be at least a fully rounded "C"! If only I had some tissue. Oh, my God! soemone's coming. it's the janitor. Wait, maybe he'll have some tissue on his little cart. Mr. Falsi, wait! Me permite borrar una panuelo? Necesitolos para mis chi chis!"
"Your majesty, the people of Zlock are restless. Rumors are circulating of an uprising. I hear they're not satisfied with the rules you had us post last moon. The men continue to belly dance in the street against your mighty orders. What shall we do?" the cleric asked nervously admiring his majesty's crimson cape. "Hmmm I wish I could get my hands on something like that" he thought enviously ogling at the fur trimming.
Standing up from his silver throne, Emperor Zog bellowed furiously: "Whaaat? Still belly dancing against my will? They will pay for that, be assured." While proceeding to sit down, he accidentally stabbed himself lightly in the rear from one of the throne's sword tips jutting out sideways. The slight burning served only to infuriate him more, putting the blame on the people of Zlock who seemed to be causing him pain one way or another these days. "Gather my soldiers, Lord Flatulant! We will attack tomorrow!" he said feeling a little calmer, as the tiny stab throbbed, but no longer painful. "As of tomorrow there will be no more belly dancing for the people of Zlock!"
Lord Flatulant stepped forward sluggishly, feeling a little gassy as always, his bejeweled robe still not large enough to hide his distended belly that was famous for its rumblings. He had actually heard a tavern song composed to his tremendous abdomen, the other night as he was traveling to see his poor, old mother who was still enrolled in the Families of Flatulents Anonymous Club that would provide their members with one month's supply of GasX, a much needed medication for her son now that he was the king's counselor.
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