Once upon a time, there was this really fat, weird-looking couple that lived in Ickshabob, the well-know capitol of Fishiokionia. There names were Herman and Hilda Hiney. Hilda and Herman lived very simple lives, making golden tickets and giving them to Jimmy, who likes to pick them. One fateful day, Evil Villian Ruth Lady burst into the village and announced that she had been dating Hilda for quite some time now. This upset Herman very much and he was about to fly into the ceiling when Ethel Mortonhopper and the McDonald's lunch-counter man burst through the wall in their super hero costumes and saved the day. Hilda left Herman for Ruth and they all lived happily ever after, except for Herman who was sadly smashed by a giant hiney.
The End
The author comments, "I would like to hereby state that I made that story up from jokes that my friends and I make. Any refereence to peoples living, dead, or un-dead is purely coincidental and I didn't mean it.
p.s. My name isn't really Ethel Mortonhopper.
p.p.s My first name is Abi
p.p.p.s. My last name is for me to know and you to find out! "
Emperor Zog grimaced as another cold draft ruffled the wyrnyr-fur trimming of his crimsom cape - a regal relic handed down through generations of emperors. Looming over the council chamber, he perched upon a silver throne, constructed of the swords gleaned from a long line of opponents not as quick or ruthless as he, and glowered at the upstart cleric who dared interrupt his train of thought.
"WHAT?!?!?!?!"he bellowed. "Well...sir....your emperorness...the prisoner is here" the clerk stuttered, frightened.
Zog nodded regally. "Send him in." he commanded, his royal voice filled with the vengence that had helped take over the empire years ago. The prisoner, a thin gangly nervous-looking man, was then carried into the room at the elbows by two ferocious-looking guards. Zog snapped and they left the room quickly.
"Well?" Zog shouted impatiently. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
The prisoner cowered. He was a teacher, and a mean one at that. His name was Mr. Hanley.
"Nothing?" Zog barged on before the man could answer. "An offence punishable by death! I will deliver the sentence myself!"
Zog got up to chop the teacher's head off and as he lifted himself off the throne, he lost his balance and tumbled down, down, down down until he hit... the floor.
"Zac, honey, wake up!", his mother called from the kitchen." You're going to be late for school. And don't forget, I have a parent-teacher conference with Mr. Hanley tonight!"
The End
The author comments, "I'd like to chop off some of my teachers' heads!"
Beverly, huddled under the bleachers, sniffed back a tear. Kicked off the cheerleading squad! All of her mother's dreams for her, dashed! How could she even go home now?
It was then she knew she couldn't ever go home. It wasn't hard for her to obtain the necessary weapons- her father, the arms dealer, had them sitting all over the house. She grabbed the biggest one and returned to the school grounds. She wasn't the same Beverly anymore, she never would be. She painted black greasepaint under her eyes, let her hair out of its high ponytail, and tore the sleeves off the top of her uniform. Oh no, she wasn't Beverly any more!
The cheerleaders were practicing in the big gym- she could hear them chanting the same words she had chanted. The old Bev would have cried. She took the gun off safety and made sure she had enough ammunition to take out the whole squad. She did. And she was ready.
"But really, Bartholomew" laughed Lady Zinnia with her characteristic throaty chuckle, "You can't be serious! Lady Thanninger, with that dashing young... oh, no, it can't be. He's simply too common for someone of her station!"
Of course, Lady Zinnia knew only too well how dashing, how young, how utterly exciting James was. Common though he was, he was uncommonly virile. Her throaty chuckle only disguised the anger and betrayal she felt. Lady Thanninger would pay for this!
"Bartholomew, my dear, get me another brandy will you"... She watched Bartholomew's large bottom sway back and forth as he approached the bar. At one time, she had actually been attracted to him, or was it his money? Ah, if only James had Bart's unlimited money, or Bart had James's incredible butt. But life wasn't fair. All the more reason to put the screws to Lady Thanninger...
"Bartholomew darling, do lets have Lord and Lady Thanninger for dinner tomorrow night! I'll have Dotty prepare something extravagant, and of course, we'll play cards...."
Bartholomew looked bored, "I had thought the two of us might..."
"My heavens, Bartholomew, is that all you ever think about? Of course, the Thanningers shall come, and you will have a wonderful time...."
Bartholomew realized it was true, IT was all he ever thought about. How to get more of IT, how to make IT last, how to get IT up... Dotty had been a blessing in that regard, and for that matter, James was a new and exciting interest. What an incredible butt he had! He checkled aloud as he thought, "What would Lady Zinnia say to that?"
Heinrich and Gudrund Eisenstadt had worked for years on his invention and now Heinrich was estatic - after years of trying, he had finally perfected his device, and was going to be recognized for his contribution to society. He was to receive the coveted Bavarian Useful and Well Made Inventions Award. Gudrund glows with pride- "I am so happy for my liebchen." This photograph shows Heinrich wearing his invention the "Steiffer noodle" a series of belts and pulleys that enable any man to get and maintain an erection any time. No wonder Gudrund is smiling. "Ya, I was pleased to be involved in the quality improvement process"
The author comments, "Ich bin ein berliner"
It was a cool, spring afternoon and Joseph "Long Beard" Heiden was going for his usual five minute walk, when he saw a sight he thought was only a memory from days gone by. It was Inga "Misshapen Head" pondscum. Joseph hadn't seen Inga for over thirty years.
After five minutes of uneventful conversation, Inga told Joseph that her daughter Ilene "Surprise" Jackson, was in fact his daughter. With this Joseph let out a tremendous laugh, and fell on the ground, unable to control himself. After his histeria ended, Joseph told Inga that he had been impotent for forty years, and not even the sight of Eva Braun in a bathing suit could get him erect.
Inga said goodbye and continued her search for Ilene's true father.
"A few more Noels, my dear, and then no more Hell of toy carving, carting and catering to craven little crumpets asleep in their beds." His wife looked at him with admiring, hopeful eyes. Perhaps it had been worth it, salting away little baubles, barely missed in the mass of new gifts and wrappings under millions of shedding, gaudily lit pines. Her only worry was about all those recent investigations and lawsuits into untapped accounts. What if the Swiss became suspicious of an active five hundred year old account that might still be traced back to Burgomeister Holleder's First Faustian Savings and Loan on Walpurgis Night, 1463?
The pact had paid off with an interesting longevity of sorts. That is, if you didn't mind semi-permanent residence on a polar ice pack with only a bunch of magic-enhanced reindeer and evil sprite slaves chained to a toy assembly line for company. And all those damned letters! If it hadn't been for the invention of the word processor... Well, no more baking cookies for the boys. The pact was nearly accomplished. The accumulated loot in the secret account would be theirs as soon as Ole Nick's Christmas hoax was exposed and rubbed in the world's smug commercialized face. One more push and Christmas was finished!
As for Kris, visons of sugarplums and reindeer dung were gratefully replaced by heaps of gold and jewels. The big pay off! As Nick had promised, his dyed beard would be youthfully dark for real soon. And Mrs. Kringle...well, she would get what she wanted, he supposed, but he had met quite a few interesting alternatives, albeit mortal, on his annual evening escapades.
Note from Toast Point - we may actually have a novel that gets finished!
I had seen broads like Gia Gondola before - Miami's full of 'em. But when a broad constructed of nothing but legs, attitude and a wide-brimmed hat stalks into your office unannounced and drops a baby alligator on your desk, you sit up and take notice. It looked my my ad was paying off. "Yeah", I said, "but how do I know this is THE one?"
Her pouty lips moved seductively, "Just look at the mouth, the teeth-- notice the front one is chipped???"
I was more interested in her mouth than the alligators, and moved closer to her, after all, what was the robbery of a natural history museum compared to the robbery of my heart? "Gee, Gia, your'e one helluva broad" She fell into my arms, I fell onto the desk, with her on top of me. But my luck wasn't going to hold. As I felt my way along those legs, I found out the truth about Gia Gondola--She was really Gary Gondola - a guy. Well, I ain't one to lose an opportunity, one way or another, and there's a first time for everything. Every time I see an alligator now, I think of Gia and have to have a couple of shots, straight up.
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