The Toast Point Bad Fiction Contest!
January 1996 Entries
Current Entries
Shane begins a Science Fiction novel 1/28
The house had lain dormant for decades, perched there on Coogan's Bluff. Nothing
had disturbed its slumber since the burning time.
The war with the Ppplpp had been particularly hard on Heinlein, the only
planet in Human Space where the leftist, welfare-state, neo-Luddite,
anti-technology, tree-hugging, vegetarian Earth-firster, environmentalist,
pacifist,gun-controlling One World Party hadn't taxed the populace into
poverty and taken their right to bear arms, including weapons of mass
destruction. "At least there's one place in the Galaxy where free men can
live like free men." thought Gingerich (Rick) Jefferson, as he brushed his
blonde hair back from his piercing blue eyes, pressed a forty-shot clip of
.65 calibre armor-piercing into his Hellbore 500 assault rifle, and took
deadly aim at the grazing shllpzt.
Artemis Aeon begins a
Fantasy novel 1/19
Had I but known the ancient, dank history of Castle Windvere, I would
never have entered gaping maw of its stained glass front doors.
But then again, that has always been my problem. I have never taken the
time to research the information. That could be why I've always lost my
employers. Losing ten employers in two months is not a good record.
Especially for a research assistant. That's what I am. I do research -
sort of. You see, I'm a hugulo. Yes, hugulo. Now I know what
you humans are thinking, I should be saying Hugula, for "a" is female, but that
doesn't work with us. Everything is different. I think that's why my
employers have such difficulties with me. They tell me something and
I interpret it in hugulo ways. Hugulo ways are more different that you
might think. Then I leave things off until the last moment and take
short cuts with cheaper materials. That doesn't work well with my
employers. They keep having the same oddly human reaction: death. Not
my fault that the sages and warlocks can't get through to me. It has
to be my fault. Anyway that is why I'm heading to Windvere. This human
wants to do a trial run before hiring me on.
Px1000 begins a
Science Fiction
novel 1/17
The house had lain dormant for decades, perched there on Coogan's Bluff. Nothing
had disturbed its slumber since the burning time.
The burning time refers to the period when the first extra-terrestrials
came to Earth seeking a new habitat. Earth was perfect for them, but
they needed to destroy all signs of intelligent life so that we humans
would not rebel as the ancient enemies had done before. Therefore these
beings dropped a large nuclear weapon on New York City. World War IV
began. The human race was destroyed this time. All that was left was
one house on Coogan's Bluff. Everything else laid in ashes. However,
little did the aliens know that within this house lay the greatest
threat. Within the house was a group of young children who were no
longer human. They possessed strange powers that enabled them to form a
new species: Homo Superius. These children were the seeds of the
downfall of the Imperium.
Guard begins a Mystery 1/10
"Life's tough in this town", Marley thought, wincing as he labored to
extract the bullet fragment from his thigh.
The pain ebbed like the flow of the tides as consciousness
began to slip through his grasp. The events of the last 4 hours
sat on his mind as a series of disjunct patterns that existed solely in
relation to each other. Time had lost its inherent logic; Marley had
never felt so alone.
His vision was blurred by the blood flowing from somewhere beneath his hair.
The wound on his left leg was shallow, the cuts on his back and scalp
were not. He wished he knew where he was. The sense of entrapment was
prevalent in Marley's psyche, but it was lost in incoherent thoughts.
The walls began to move.
Marley stopped fiddling with his thigh. There was nothing he could do;
He had only been trying as a matter of instinct. A growl brings
Marley's mind together for a moment. A foul smell envelops him. It
is intense. In his day, Marley would investigate. Today, he cannot.
Marley is dead.
Sack-Boy begins a Coming of Age novel 1/9
Sue knew, as the sand-laden wind swept a tumbleweed over the trunk of
her '79 Nova, that Eduardo would not come back.
She rubbed her bloodied hands against the bodice of her dress and
stroked her auburn hair. The sun beat down on her parched lips as
her pulse slackened. Above, the birds converge. East of the red sits
an alluring rock. Sue sits on it and removes her boots. She peered
towards the trunk of the overheated car and thoughts of his fiery
temper ran through her head. She removed her blouse, and a single
bead of sweat glistened off her heaving bosom. Eduardo would not return,
she thought, as the blood began to pool in the sand.
Lucy25 begins a
Science Fiction
novel 1/7
She knew, as the sand-laden wind swept a tumbleweed over the trunk of
her '79 Nova, that Eduardo would not come back.
After all, it had been hours since the Nid warrior's spaceship deposited
her in this desolate spot in Arizona, miles from food, water, and, more
importantly, the Hill Valley Spa. Eduardo had taken her again.
How could she be so foolish? After four years of time travel, alien
communication and communist activity she should have expected that the
long moustached hunchback who showed up at the door wasn't really Ed's
cousin Monique.
Mista Wizard
begins a
Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys mystery 1/7
Flicking her cigarette contemptuously and tossing her thick mane of
hair, Thyla adjusted the straps of her halter top and barked with her
trademark raucous, sneering laughter - laughter known to have unmanned many
a suitor. Leaning over to Joe, Frank said, "Gee, she seems too much woman
for us. Do you think she has a clue about the fire at the amusement park?"
"Of course she does," said Joe in a patronizing voice. "We found her
name scrawled on the back of that baseball card, remember?" Turning to
Thyla, he said, "So, Miss Thyla, now that we know that you won't go out
with me, can you give us a clue?"
"No, I don't think anyone can do that," she said in her innocent voice,
which she was in the middle of a legal battle for the trademark for,
because of the fact that it has unmanned many a dresser. "No," she repeated,
"I'm your client, remember?"
"Well yeah," Frank cut in, "It just looks like arson and all, what with
the cans of gasoline and the match book that had 'use these to burn
amusement park and collect insurance' scrawled on the inside of them in
your handwriting." "Looks can be deceiving," she
replied in her mysterious voice that she was
borrowing from the old gypsy woman, a voice known to have remanned many
a bathing suitor.
"This is pointless," Joe cut in, looking anxiously at the alligators
that began to congregate around their life raft as they floated down
the Amazon. "We got trouble now!"
The Phantom begins a creepy novel 1/4
The house had lain dormant for decades, perched there on Coogan's Bluff. Nothing
had disturbed its slumber since the burning time.
As a murky dusk fell, Bad Harold high-fived his buddies and boldly
limped up the steps, opened the door, entered the house, and with a
defiant flip slammed the door behind him. The bluff was lined with
limestone caves with strange inhabitants, right! The last three
owners had fled in terror, sure! Honky wimps!
Deep beneath the house, the Vom heard the door slam. "Food!" it
thought.
Erk begins a Hangover novel 1/3
Slowly, achingly, inexorably, the sun's tendrils crept tentatively over the
yawning city with pussy-footed stealth. The probing rays invaded the
darkest crevice, penetrated the dankest hole,
and exposed the seamy underbelly of the city in all of its splendor. Small
yukky creatures screamed with pain and scurried to friendlier domains.
Crumpled in the corner of a bathroom, David snored embarrasingly, his mouth
yawning open to expose a furry tongue. The sun, gaining confidence, rose
higher in the sky. Oh, that scandal-loving sunlight! Carefully the rays pried
open the window, slid over the sash, and shot full force at David's carefully-
eyeshadowed lids and Scandously Scarlet lips. David snorted like a cat in heat
and flung a beautifully-manicured arm (complete with Rebellious Vermillion nails)
over his tender orifices.
The naughty rays were rebellious, though, and crept down to expose the tender
regions below, so carefully arranged the night before...
Eye-gor begins a novel "In Doubtful Taste"
The mystery was finally explained when social worker Christa Barnett,
who had wondered why the shoulder of the quadriplegic's shirt was
discolored, saw a long candle of thick snot emerge from his left nostril
and slowly ooze down his upper lip, only to be neatly removed with a
practiced flick of the poor man's head.
Conan the Librarian begins a Mystery...
Achille Poigret was preoccupied, indeed, almost abstracted, with the
case of the Boulevard des Jesuites piano wire strangler and, as a
consequence, when he picked up hos green-and-yellow paisley tie from the
dry cleaners, the strange hanger on which it was suspended did not
immediately attract the notice of his normally acute powers of observation,
and it was only later that he recognized that it might, in fact,
be the clue essential to solving the series of grisly murders.
and a Gothic novel 1/2
Torchlight flickered garishly on the glistening walls of the underground
chamber, and the dank air resonated with the long-drawn, agonized groan of
yet another suppurating, emaciated former heretic as Brother Rodrigo of
the Inquisition began his daily eight-hour water in the recovery room,
offering a silent but nonetheless sincere prayer for the full bodily as
well as spiritual healing of those whose faith had, through the mini-
strations of the Church, been restored as the expense of their physical
robustness.
MOOGA begins a Fantasy novel 1/2
'Damn!' Sachelle cried, cursing her bruised thumb and the world in general.
She should have chosen to become a magician. At least then, though she
might turn friends into frogs and help enemies through their troubles
unwittingly, she definitely would not get sword burn. But then, she should
have expected it. She had worked nine hours straight, killing dummy after
dummy, as if that would kill her troubles. It didn't work. When all was said
and done, she was still leaving the sheltered life that she had known for a
world where swords were no longer welcome.
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