The Toast Point Bad Fiction Contest!

Entries for October/November

If you are inspired to write a sequel paragraph to an entry, feel free. We could end up with a multi-hypertexted novel from hell! Until I can figure out how to make the forms do this, specify which author's paragraph you are continuing.


Hart Bernhaus begins a Mystery 11/21

Gold Star! "Life's tough in this town", Marley thought, wincing as he labored to extract the bullet fragment from his thigh. It was the third one he'd pulled this morning, and he was desperate for a cup of coffee - steaming hot, to cauterize the wounds before he added the non-dairy creamer. "Maybe," he thought for the thousandth time since the case had begun, "maybe it's time for me to find a safer line of work - like doing test runs for Evel Knievel." But another slug of rye from the bottle in the top drawer of his filing cabinet soon suppressed all such musings and, tying the hatband from his Borsalino above the wounds to keep the pain to a dull thud, he headed down the five back flights to the alley that ran behind his building. If only he had a clue - something besides the name "Harve" carved in the dead prostitute's back - he'd feel a little more optimistic about the rest of the day. It was too bad about Michelle. She'd been kind of cute in a lopsided kind of way until someone had pumped her full of lead and used her for calligraphy practice.

Leeguns begins a Mystery 11/18

Gold Star! "Life's tough in this town", Marley thought, wincing as he labored to extract the bullet fragment from his thigh. Finally, extracting the metal with his nicotine-stained teeth, Marley spit the copper-tasting shard into the moonlighted, hulking alley. It hit the wet street and bounced like Marley's eyes. He moaned darkly, and sputtered out. His head hit the brick street with a dull wallop. The echo was of no interest to a sleeping rat.


Erk-O-Rama begins a Coming of Age Novel 11/17

Gold Star! 'Damn!' Sachelle cried, cursing her bruised thumb and the world in general. Yes! It was the world that was to blame. Impassively she gazed at the blue-black blood which pooled below her tender, teenaged thumb. Her maligned joint throbbed and ached...much like her heart. Tears formed in her eyes as she thought of her lost love, Frederick. The world blurred before her and she gasped, reaching blindly out for support; however, she was not growing faint, she was simply crying. Angrily she dashed away the treacherous tears, and her solitare-diamond ring flashed before her eyes. The ring...the world heaved and throbbed as she remembered her mother pressing the ring into her hand as she drew her dying breath. "Remember, Sachelle," her mother had gasped, "...don't die a virgin..." From then on out it had been Sachelle's fervernt dream to find a man which which she could deflower her budding sex.

She had found him. And now he was gone. Holding her bruised thumb in front of her, she screamed her anger unto the world, and collasped upon the ground, cradling both her thumb and her maligned heart.


Marcos Ski begins a Mystery 11/8

Gold Star! Flicking her cigarette contemptuously and tossing her thick mane of hair, Thyla adjusted the straps of her halter top and barked with her trademark raucous, sneering laughter - laughter known to have unmanned many a suitor. One minute later she was dead.

To Fabia, the list of suspects read like a "Who's Who" of the fashion industry. Fabia, the golden-tressed executive from the American Cancer Association, was also an amateur sleuth and Thyla's constant companion for the past 4 years. Fabia, whose whips and chains in the wee morning hours were the perfect antidote to a day teaming with hemline deadlines. Both of them knew that it was control that made Thyla's inner child weep with delight each morning before the manacles were released. Reflecting on this, Fabia wiped away a final tear that had formed next to a barely visible cigarette burn on Thyla's tight leather miniskirt, and proceeded to solve the crime.


Nectarina St. Clair writes a Harlequin Romance 11/6

Gold Star! Flicking her cigarette contemptuously and tossing her thick mane of hair, Thyla adjusted the straps of her halter top and barked with her trademark raucous, sneering laughter - laughter known to have unmanned many a suitor. "What care I if he never returns?" she inquired of her Krazy Kat kitchen wall clock. "What care I if I never sample his salty, hungry kisses again? What care I if I never feel his lingering gaze upon my auburn tresses when I step naked from my Calgon bath, his smoldering stares drying me better than any towel of the finest Egyptian cotton?" Krazy Kat did not answer. Its eyes bounced back and forth, metronomically mocking her questions. At last Thyla could not stomach the clock's reminders - reminders of the seconds that passed without him, seconds in which she found her life increasingly, achingly, empty. It was time to get a Cockapoo.

Frieda Youmanns writes 10/3

Gold Star! With one swift dive, Joel cut the water like a knife through butter, or a spoon through jello. In fact...in fact, it was jello! The whole swimming pool had been drained, and filled with blue-green jello! Gagging, he fought his way to the surface, knowing in his heart that there was only one creature in the world with the cunning and wickedness to perform such a feat, and that was his older sister, Blumelda. She who was forever taunting him, mocking his physical beauty and intellectual gifts by finding ever more inventive ways to humiliate him, and prove that she was superior despite the hideous name that daddy's first wife had insisted on for her. As he broke the glorpid surface, a single thought dwelled in his mind: "Someday...someday!!!"

Dan McCafferty writes 9/28

Gold Star! With one swift dive, Joelfynna cut the water like a knife through butter, or a spoon through jello. His feline body, proudly striped, staffisi warrior tattoos proudly etched into the insides of his all-hearing ears, his fur bearing the markings of all the Clan Kings, leapt to shore. Aware that his tawny mate, Heefynnach, watched his every graceful move from beneath the palaa tree, he shook his body lazily, enjoying the sensation as the crystalline droplets flew in gleaming golden arches across the miikasi plants so common in the Fynnari Clan Pridedom. But a troubling thought itched its way into his mind--would one day his son, Hymiefynna, rule the Clan Fynnari as proudly as he himself had done? The lad had already discredited his Fynn bloodlines by consorting with the outworlder colony, the self-called hyumans--they who walked upon but two legs and were bald in comparison to the proud race of the Tigriis! Something had to be done . . . and soon, before Moonfull Night and the Dance of the Dreaming.

Nectarina St. Clair writes 9/27

Gold Star! With one swift dive, Joel cut the water like a knife through butter, or a spoon through jello. "Yes," he thought with a life-affirming yowl. "Yes, YES." The moment was right. The air was right. The time was right to tell Her, to tell HER of his feelings. As he stretched his whippet-thin body from the water in a single thrusting motion of manhood, droplets of chlorine slalomed from his brow like Olympic skiers who hadn't passed their drug tests. She stood there at the edge of the pool, oozing her artificially flavored grape Bubble Yum from her painted and swollen lips like molten sex and wrapping it about her Lee Press-On Nailed fingertip. He surveyed her lithesome and bonny form, the curves and twists and forbidden snaps and laces all cuddled up in one Womanhood. With invisible unmoving urges he worshipped her, longed for her, yearned, yearned, yearned for a single word that would let him know her own desire, her own passion, her own love. Noticing him dripping upon her Spaninis, imported, of course, she regarded him through her lush and long lashes. "Why dontcha take a pictcha?" she taunted in her coquettish Jersey accent. "It'll last ya longa."

Victoria, Queen of the Damned Dirty House writes 9/25

Gold Star! With one swift dive, Joel cut the water like a knife through butter, or a spoon through jello. Either of those allusions was more pleasant than the actual slimy feel of the filthy water. Seaweed was already entwining itself around his toes and fingers. He held his breath in and dove deeper. He was going to find Kathy's class ring. It had slipped from her finger and dropped overboard, and she was devastated. Joel figured he would impress her with his bravery in diving after it. Maybe she wouldn't constantly look at Kevin then. Kevin laughed when she asked HIM to dive for the ring. But still, he was above the water, on board the boat, well-dressed and tanned, with Kathy by his side as Joel dove ever deeper, his lungs running out of air. But there! There was the ring!


Raul Mendocino writes 9/25

Gold Star! As Emily strolled through the market, she was like an unopened bud, whose scent was beginning to peek through. The villagers seemed unaware of it, familiarity breeding this sort of thing, but to the dark haired stranger who lounged aganst the fruit-seller's rickety awning, it wafted a challenge to him, and made him nearly forget the buckshot he had had to pick out of his rump as he left the last town he'd visited.

Leslie Opp-Beckman of OPPtical Illusion, Online Creatively suggests 9/26

What about a list of characters to pull from? Contest for the sexiest, most hideous, most unlikely, etc.???
Note to Leslie - I keep trying to send you mail, but it bounces back! I like the idea - I'll have to figure out some way to work it. Everyone else, what do you think?
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